Babies, Puppies, And An osu Loss

These are things that make me happy.

The morning started early on Saturday October 17.  The wife and I woke up at 6am, hit the road at 7 and grabbed some Starbucks on our way out of town.  I'm unabashedly in love with Starbucks.  I'm sorry.  I'm a corporate hack.  But their Venti-NonFat-Caramel Lattes are just, well, they're the bee's knees.  Although, this morning I think the barista made mine with regular whole milk.  Which is fine.  Because if it's skim, it's healthy, and if it's whole, it's tastier.  Can't lose.

The trip from Chicago to Purdue is just a shade over 2 hours when traffic is minimal (and at 7am on a Saturday, it is minimal).  I had just received the new albums from People Under The Stairs, Mike Doughty, and Bebel Gilberto from the wife in the last week, so they provided a nice little soundtrack for the trip.  Specific song?  Enjoy.

(Chicago, Kennedy Expressway, 7:30 am Saturday... one of the few times this stretch of road can be considered "tolerable")

The reason for the trip on this day?  Purdue vs ohio state.  A chance to knock 2 more Big Ten teams off of my "seen in 2009" list.  I had never been to Purdue, so that was an added bonus to the trip.  I had stopped in Lafayette, IN a few times on trips to Indianapolis for food/gas pit-stops, but had never ventured west across the Wabash River to see the campus.  The wife had been there a few times, so she earned the right to drive.

I did not have high hopes for the game, to be honest.  On paper it appeared to be a massacre in the making.  Purdue had all of one win coming in, ohio state had beaten everyone on their schedule not named USC.  However, closer inspection and one should have recognized some warning signs there.  osu had won the most undeserving game of the last 10 years against Wisconsin the week before.  Purdue had played multiple tough games this season so far (and hung tough with just about every loss in 2008, as well).  At some point osu's underwhelming performances and Purdue's gritty efforts would each have to receive some sort of karmic smack.  I made my official prediction of osu winning 27-19, but really had no confidence in it.  As far as other games for betting on the day, it was a bit light.  No lines across the country jumped out at me besides Central Michigan giving 6.5 to Western Michigan, which paid off nicely.  But otherwise, I stayed away.  Low-key weekend on the books for this guy.

We arrived on campus 75 minutes prior to kickoff.  Suprisingly, Purdue is easy to navigate traffic-wise that close to kick-off.  We got to our lot and started the trek towards the stadium.  The first job for me on the way was to grab a ticket.  This actually didn't take much effort.  I told myself I'd pay 40 before kickoff and the first guy I encountered wanted 40apiece for 2, 50 if I just wanted one.  I told him I'd pay 40 for one and started to walk away before he relented and made the deal.  The face value was 70.  Who wins?  I win.  Even though I had no idea where the seat was, I got my wish.  As it will turn out, my $40 was well-spent.

On the walk towards the stadium, the tailgating scene was fun to see.  The way Purdue's parking is set-up has all sorts of lots and parking areas weaving and veering through nooks and crannies of the campus, so no matter where you turn, people are reveling.  I happened to see a grill in the shape of the giant Purdue train, which was cool, but I didn't get a photo of it.  Why?  Because my attention was almost immediately turned towards this:

Let me explain.  Purdue has this tradition with the youngsters called "Breakfast Club," which is where the students dress up in a different costume each Saturday morning before tailgating, go to the bars at the crack of dawn, get sauced, and THEN go tailgate.  I applaud this and get filled with a giddy jealousy when I think about the idea.  On our walk, we saw this jeep pull over with a mattress dragging out the back of it.  A cop pulled up behind it, got out and yelled at the guy in the back of the Jeep, "Get rid of that mattress!"  Well, since it was apparently his costume, as the cop went to talk to the driver, the kid got out and put it back on so it wouldn't drag on the ground.  Fair, I think.  We didn't stick around to see how it played out, but I'm guessing the police officer did not appreciate the gesture.

Before I made the trip into the stadium, I did the customary lap around.  Here I stumbled across the band's pregame performance near the main entrance and I got my first up-close view of "The World's Largest Drum."

(It is large, I'll give it that ... but I don't know if it's THAT large... I mean, world's largest?  Really?)

I get into the stadium and check out the concession stand to get my standard big pretzel.  Sadly, they decide that the pretzels should cost $5, which is absurd.  I refuse to pay that.  I love my big pretzels, but they don't look like they come with real gold or the deed to a house, so I'm not paying $5 for a $3 pretzel.  It's the principle.  I do enjoy a nice 22 oz soda, though.  Gotta stay hydrated.  It's a long game.

I get in and walk down to my seat.  This is my view:

(Yeah, I'll live with this spot)

The seat is located 10 rows behind the band.  The view is great, but I worry about any long-term hearing loss.    By the way, the band is referred to officially as "The Purdue All-American Marching Band," which I have no idea how they earned that.  Do their members simply hail from all over America?  Did they win some competition long ago to earn the name?  I don't think they do any sort of national competitions each year.  I mean, this isn't high school.  You're the Purdue University Marching Band.  That's your name.  It works.  No need to jazz it up.  That's like me telling people I am a doctor because I work for a hospital.  No, I'm a piss-ant lackey.  That is all.  I'm not saying the band is full of piss-ant lackeys, and I did eventually really enjoy their performances during the game, but come on.  All-American?

Based solely on voice, Purdue may have the nerdiest PA announcer of any I've come across.  Let's see if I can figure out a suitable comparison... Hmmm..... Maybe Mr Dewey from Saved By the Bell, crossed with.... well, no.  Mr Dewey seems perfectly reasonable.

The band does their pre-game on-field performance and as I seem them make the big P at mid-field, I realize that band formations are tough if you are forming a letter that cannot be centered, such as M, W, T, I, etc.  P just looks lopsided.  F would too.  I don't know what else they would form, but formations just lack the "pop" when it's not a centered, symmetrical letter.  Since osu was in town, they could have just made the shape of a middle finger and that would have worked out fine.

(Somewhere in there, Terrelle Pryor is praying for a third-grade education)

During the national anthem, they had a big Army refueling-type plane fly overhead.  I have no way to prove this, but I'm almost positive that I am not the only one in the stadium right now thinking of the Top Gun video game for NES, where you had to try and line up your fighter plane with the big refueling plane otherwise you would run out of fuel in the next level.  And getting it to line up was always such a pain in the ass and I'm not sure I ever accomplished it more than once or twice.  It's like finding that one level in the TMNT game for NES that I am convinced DID NOT EXIST.  I always got stuck at like level 4 or 5 or whatever the hell it was, driving around the party van for hours with absolutely no clue where the next level was.  Terrible game.

I texted my buddy Dr Peter before the game since he lives deep in osu territory and asked him what's the over/under on number of "o-h....i-o" chants I hear.  I think we settled on 35ish.  Between the walk over and the pre-game, I think I'm at 10 right now.  At least their fans can spell.  Well, 4 letters worth.  Anything further than that and their brains would explode.  I think most of these fans here for osu have brains that work at 2 wavelengths: "osu, osu, osu, osu...." and "fuck you, I rule.  Fuck you, I rule.  Fuck you, I rule."  Any other thought process requires them to take an Advil/Tylenol/Jim Beam mixer followed by a 2-hour nap due to idea-overload.

So, as the game's starting, I hear this voice naming songs and talking about media timeouts and breaks and all sorts of weird things.  It was like the scene in the Truman Show where he's driving and the radio accidentally breaks into the director's production feed.  Very surreal.  And the voice/speaker is kinda of muddled and choppy and almost robotically-concocted.  It sounds like Brad Pitt's voice in this.  For a few seconds in time, I thought I was losing my mind and the world was collapsing around me.  I had no idea where I was, what my name was, how I got to this location, etc.  Complete mental pandemonium.  But then I noticed Band Guy;

(Heretofore, this man shall be referred to as Band Guy)

Band Guy was using a headset microphone thing to tell the band what songs to play during breaks, timeouts, between plays, etc.  He was also the director/conductor.  Quite the impressive workload.  I gained immediate respect for Band Guy.  I worried that this might get old as we move on in the game and act as a distraction to the game action, but I am happy to say, I was wrong.  Band Guy made my day.  Highly entertaining.  You'll hear more later.

Ross-Ade stadium is decent enough, and the scoreboard gets the pertinent information up there, but this place is in desperate need of an out-of-town (OOT) scoreboard.  How can we live in the year 2009 without every stadium in America putting up an OOT section on the scoreboard.  This is imperative.  Especially if your team is in a tight race late in the year and you need instant access to scores from your rivals.  I'm sorry, but not all of us carry Blackberries and iPhones.  We rely on the OOT scoreboard for information.  And don't get me started on the coronarys suffered by gamblers when they walk into a stadium without an OOT. Again, 2009.  come on, Purdue.  If you're charging $70 face on tickets to see your shitty team, the least you could do is provide a place for us to see scores from other non-shitty teams.

The game begins with an early fumble by osu, which is awesome.  Purdue then runs a little trickery, which eventually sets up the first score of the game, a FG by the Boilers to give them a 3-0 lead before most of the buckeye contingent can find their seats (because they can't read tickets.  Because they can't read.... or write... or count.... or converse above a 3rd-grade level).

osu comes right back with a quick 4-play drive capped off with a Pryor TD run to the left side to jump up 7-3.  This is noteworthy because it's the last semblance of success the buckeyes will have for about 2 hours.

Purdue's fans have a cheer they do in unison (aside from "Boiler Up") when the team gets a first down that basically goes "1-2-3-4 First Down!" (The students add a word at the end of it that rhymes with "witch."  Or "mitch."  Or "twitch.".... Or "snitch.".... They say Bitch.  1-2-3-4 First Down, Bitch).  Anywhoo, after a PU fumble, the osu inbred collective decide that is an opportune time to do the 1-2-3-4 First Down, Bitch (note, they are not students, and really shouldn't be saying that) and point in the opposite direction.  Clever tweak, scarlet folks.  I'm quite certain that if the Boiler fans had not done the cheer first, osu's mob couldn't have done it on their own.  It requires counting beyond 2.

"If you need to use the restroom, do it now." ~Band Guy~  See, it's a good thing I found the source of this previously disembodied voice, otherwise I'd be making a beeline for the bathroom at that moment and then awaiting my next command from the master.

osu has to punt following a block-in-the-back penalty on them during a big play that didn't actually occur according to 40 osu fans sitting near me.  Good thing they're here to make the correct calls because the refs are really fucking this up.  The refs version 2.0 in the stands offer up their critiques on every anti-buckeye call during the game, which is nice.  I need an unbiased voice in my ear constantly.  Especially one that uses Fuck as the ultimate noun/verb qualifier.

One thing I noticed early on that ended up really not holding true through the course of the game was that Joey Elliott seemed to have a slow trigger today, especially on plays with extended reads.  I wrote that in the notebook after he threw a pass that nearly decapitated his WR.

Band Guy is fairly charming with little witty comments and the like in-between his song selections, but he needs to bust on people more.  He's the only one with a mic.  He has the power.  He must utilize it.  Needless to say, if I were Band Guy, nobody would be safe.  "Trumpets, all your mothers are whores.  They had sex with the Tuba section....... Drumline, your virginity called, it's getting bored."

Speaking of drumline:

(If you look closely, the drum leader has a hot dog in his mouth as he's playing.  Impressive? Yes.  Healthy?  Well, I'm no doctor, but....)

Purdue fumbles but has the call overturned on forward progress, which is a call a 9-year-old could make... but not buckeye fans!  The expletives are flying right now.

On a side note, through the bulk of the first quarter I'm convinced that anyone in the entire stadium could knock down Purdue RB Ralph Bolden today.  The guy has zero escapability and falls down when a hand so much as grazes his knee.  Sad, really.  This guy was the national leader in rushing through the first few weeks of the season.  Makes you wonder WTF that was all about.  Could be a bad quarter, though.  Still, early on, I'm not overly impressed.

At the end of the first quarter, it's 7-3, osu.  And as a bonus, we get a new Band Guy.  The switch is exciting as we'll be getting a new voice and leader, but I worry about BG2, because the shoes he has to fill are enormous.

At the start of the 2nd, osu's return man drops a punt that you could see coming from a mile away.  The dude looked like he was returning punts today on a dare.  I really mean that.  The guy doesn't even remotely look the part.  He's built like a tight end.  Does every DB and small WR wet their pants when they look to the sky or something?

After the recovery for PU on the osu dropped punt, the Boilers settle for a FG to make it 7-6.  This has all the feel of that game we seemingly see every week where osu gets completely outplayed and somehow wins anyways.  It's shit like that that makes us, the general public, hate those turds.

I just realized the famous osu "fireman" fan guy (there's no photos of him on google, but he's shown on every game on tv... wears a fireman's helmet, layers of buckeye necklaces, etc) is sitting like 20 feet from me.  If my pee stream could reach that far, it'd be tempting.

Big turn of events in the middle of the 2nd quarter: osu runs for a td, only it gets called back on a holding penalty (wrong call, says the toddler-brains).  On the ensuing play, Pryor fumbles..... Hello, hubris.

Drew Brees makes an appearance on the videoboard talking about donating money to something.  This guy is beyond loved in West Lafayette.  He could sincerely pull a Mike Vick and still live a happy and rewarding life in West Laf for all of eternity.  The man can do no wrong in the eyes of the gold and black.

Purdue makes a (pardon my word choice) retarded call on the osu 5-yard line by running a halfback pass that gets picked.  PU has had an abysmal display in the red zone today.  It's small things like that which lead to osu wins in undeserving games, and thus puts me closer to jumping off a bridge someday.

Right before the half PU kicks a 55 yd FG right into my endzone, which was cool to see.  It might actually be the longest field goal I've ever witnessed live.  I have no idea and no way to keep track, but still.  Let's say moving forward, Carson Wiggs of Purdue has kicked the longest field goal I've ever witnessed live.  Deal?  Deal.

On a related note, I'd love to be the FG net guy for a game.  I think it'd be fun to hold races and competitions against the guy on the other side of the net as to who can pull their side of faster, etc.  Keep records, put money on it, all that fun stuff.  I have a very good feeling that I'd do quite well at this.  In my previous life, we would have to raise nets at a stadium to protect a glass wall and I always had a really good rhythm when raising my side.  I think it would be a smooth transition to a FG net.  So, ya know, if anyone's hiring.  I'm your guy.  Other random sports jobs I want to try at some point in my life:

1) Penalty box guy during an NHL game... wear a suit and open the penalty box door?  Yessir.  It's the best of both worlds.  Dressing white-collar, doing manual labor.

2) FG net guy during an NCAA game

3) Replay official during NFL game

4) Stadium PA announcer during a baseball game.... likely minor league, where I could get away with more stuff, such as reporting fake headlights on, awarding fake prizes to non-existent seat numbers, and openly mocking the mascot.

The halftime show was a tribute to Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine.  I'm 100% serious, and I couldn't even think of a more obscure singer/band for a halftime tribute if I tried.  After the half, the original Band Guy will return to his post get on the mic and actually ask the crowd, "Hey, crowd, did you all enjoy that halftime show??!!!??!! (crowd cheers)  Thanks.... we worked real hard on it.... for like 3 hours." (I sense sarcasm.... and I LIKE IT!)

At the half, osu had 4 first downs, at least 2 of them coming on the one scoring drive mere seconds into the half.  If you're keeping track at home, that's 12 total first downs for the buckeyes in the last 3 halves of football, or 2 per quarter.... National Contender, folks!!!!

I know I said earlier that I'm not convinced the big drum is really the world's largest, but I will give credit... that Effer sure does rumble.

Forgot to show this earlier.  What's better than GreenMan(!!!!)?

(BlueMan! YellowMan! PinkMan! OrangeMan! GreenMan!)

At the start of the 2nd half, it's apparent that Danny Hope has lit a fire under Bolden's ass.  He's running with reckless abandon (cliche!) now and Purdue is cruising down the field.  In retrospect, you should have known immediately the start of the 2nd half that we were witnessing a sea change in the momentum, and it was mammoth.

Purdue finally grabs a TD as Joey Elliot hits Aaron Valentine, making it 16-7 Purdue.  Haven't heard an oh-io cheer in eons.  I like it.

The entire 3rd quarter and the first part of the 4th, really, can be summed up in a couple ways:

1) Pryor = Juice Williams 2.0.  The kid couldn't do a thing right, and we may honestly be seeing the limits of his skills and general football IQ (more on this later.... let's just say he must play a LOT of Madden on XBox)

and 2) Purdue = King Midas.  Everything they touched turned to gold.  It really felt like every other play osu was throwing an incompletion, an interception, taking a sack, or fumbling.... or Purdue was completing a pass for 10-15 yards.  It was a surreal scene for about 45 minutes.  The crowd was as fired up for those 45 minutes as I think I've seen a college crowd in a long time.  It was honestly one of the coolest things I've seen going to games.  50,000 people were just flat-out LOUD, and that doesn't include the migrant farmers from ohio.

The video board at one point played this "Boiler Up" pump-up video that was spawned from the Daft Punk hand dance video.  Only on this one the hands spelled out things about Purdue.  It was still set to "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger."  I couldn't even attempt to try this.  I would sprain every muscle in my hands and forearms, which would really ruin much pleasure for me for a significant amount of time.... not for that reason, pervs.  I couldn't hold cans and bottles of beer.  Awful, awful minds on some of you.

The Purdue fans took to cheering for every caught punt by either squad after #82 for the buckeyes urinated on his leg earlier in the game.  For some reason, he was still in there to catch punts the rest of the game, and as the game went on, it further convinced me that he was only back there because his name was drawn out of a hat.  Seriously terrible.  It's the one thing all day that me and the library-masturbating fans agree on.

Shortly after that punt, Pryor throws another INT, followed by him throwing his helmet about 40 feet from the field to the sideline.  osu, you have DE-Railed.

Elliott throws a pick shortly thereafter, and osu gives it back after that almost instantly.  I am classifying this game as "ugly exciting."  Like, there are so many mistakes and errors, but the fact that it's such a "good" team playing such a "not-good" team, it really heightens the excitement.

 (Purdue just before their score to go up 23-7)

Elliott hits Valentine again and Valentine makes a remarkable run after the catch to put PU up 23-7 near the end of the 3rd.  The crowd is beside itself.  I couldn't be more proud of the black and gold. I'd cheer for a biker gang that sacrifices bunnies if they were beating osu.

After the TD, osu drops the kickoff, leading to a nearly zero gain on the kickoff return, followed immediately by a QB sack on Pryor.  We end the third quarter shortly after and osu needs an enema.  They had 4 first downs through the first half.... they still have 4.

Some of you may know about Wisconsin's 4th quarter tradition of Jump Around.  But Purdue has a tradition that is also kind of neat.  They have some honored guest in the press box each week wave a Purdue Flag which leads the crowd in a performance of the song "Shout" (think, Animal House).  The crowd goes nuts, the band runs a lap around the field while dancing to the song (impressive they can make the entire lap in the allotted amount of time. Very impressive).

(The "Compliment Guys" lead Shout!)

(Tough to see, but people are flashing their hands up and singing "Shout")

(The Band doing their lap.  Petey getting into the action)

Trailing by 16 in the 4th, Tressel and Pryor revert to apparently the only offensive plan they can think of that may remotely work: Madden offense.  This consists of the QB dropping back 15 yards, rolling out all the way to one side of the field, and throwing the ball as far as they can and hope for a catch or pass interference.  This works for one play and osu actually makes it deep into Purdue territory, all the way down to the goal line.

Purdue goal line stand on 3 straight Pryor muffed runs.  That's all that can be said.  Insane atmosphere here.  I'm starting to get texts asking if I'm going to rush the field after the game with the crowd.  I'm currently at 20%.

After the goal line stand, osu lines up for a FG.  Keep in mind they are down 23-7 in the 4th to a team with an offense that they haven't been able to stop consistently.  Just keep that in mind.... so, they line up for the FG, and they kick it, but just as the ball is snapped and the kick is good, the refs blow the whistle, rule a delay of game and back them up 5 yards.  They then line up again to make the FG a little more manageable from 24 yards rather than 19 and at a hashmark.  Now, here's my thing.  Why don't teams make this part of a little sneakiness here?  You obviously could use the TD FAR more than a FG.  You're down by 2 TDs and two 2-pt conversions.  If I were a coach, I would design a play where we line up for the FG, let the clock run down and kick it as the play clock expires.  The other team obviously will take the penalty.  So, now you've shown them that you're planning on kicking it.  Their guard will be down.  Why would they expect you to fake it after you've already kicked it and are 5 yards back?  If you release a TE and get even a remote amount of protection, you have a really good chance of converting the fake.  And if you don't, they have the ball inside their 10.  A FG really helps minimally here because you're still still leaving it as a 2-score game.  Just something I'd do if I were a coach.  Or at least try.

Purdue gets the ball back and drives down the field for a 49-yd FG answer to push it back to a 16 pt spread at 26-10.  On the drive, Elliott continued to elude osu's grazing cow defensive linemen to keep the drive alive.  As insane as it is to say this, Elliott had far more escapability than Pryor today.  It's really one of the most suprising things that I took away from the game.

osu makes a real quick drive down the field late to get a TD on a Pryor pass and a 2pt conversion on a Pryor sweep.  They are within 8, and it just has that eerie feeling of that kind of game that osu ALWAYS seems to win.  Since their mythical national title run in 2002 when they won every game by making one less mistake than their opponents (and buying the refs sexual favors against Miami in the title game), they always seem to win these garbage games to further their legend of "overrated" status.

osu has to give the ball back to Purdue with 2 and change left.  Purdue needs just a first down to seal the deal.... Nerve-wracking.

(Just before Purdue gets the ball back in an attempt to kill  the clock)

(Dear police... you are about to get worked over)

(The natives getting anxious)

Purdue does nothing on first down... nothing on 2nd... 1:46 to go and 3rd down.  osu with no timeouts.  Incomplete pass for Purdue.... but.... And we have a game-clinching face-mask penalty!!!  Now it's just standard operating procedure of the kneel-down (which, by the way, why don't teams put a Safety or Linebacker back in the deep spot for that?  If a guy breaks free on a fumble or fluke, do you really trust your backup RB or someone to make a solo tackle?).

(Before the final kneel-down)

Aaaaaaaannnnnddddddd...... Game over.

(YEEESSSS!!!!!)

(I LOVE THE BOILERS!!!!)

(ANYBODY WHO BEATS osu IS A FRIEND OF MINE!)

(Old people, non-students rushing)

(The Purdue Band turns their caps around backwards after a win.  Band Guy gets on the mic afterwards and screams "I TOLD YOU ALL WEEK WE COULD DO IT!  I TOLD YOU!! I GODDAMN TOLD YOU!"  Absolutely awesome)

(The center.  Danny Hope is down there somewhere getting interviewed)

(One final shot of the swarm.)

(I did manage to make it to the field)

(The ringing bell walking by on the field)

So that ended the game.  Purdue wins in a massive upset.  Off the top of my head, I can't think of a bigger one I've ever seen live.  So much fun.... but, somehow it doesn't quite feel complete.  I'm missing something.... 

Saaaaaad osu fans :-(

(Our shitty team lost!!! I can't take it!!! Waaaahhhhh!!!)

Oh, poor osu fans!!!! Cry!! I want to see your pain.  Let me see your pain!!!!

(This wasn't from the game, but this is pornography for me)

Your tears! They taste so yummy!

So, with that, it was over.  My most hated sports team and fan base had suffered defeat on a massive scale and I was able to see it live.  Why do I hate them so?  Many reasons.  Too many to list.  But everyone needs that one team that they just despise.  ohio state is mine.  Drew Magary of Deadspin and Bill Simmons of ESPN.com have both written in the past about how hatred is good in sports and really it's one of the few places where actual true hatred can be a good and productive thing (I'm too lazy to look up/link to the articles.  Maybe someday I'll do it and come back and add the link).  Some people hate the Yankees, some Dallas, some LA Lakers, Notre Dame, etc etc etc.  The usual suspects.  My hatred is ohio state.  I get so much joy from seeing them them lose that it makes any other failures feel ok.  Case in point? Wisconsin, Minnesota, and Northwestern all lost on Saturday as well.  Jake Locker and the Washington Huskies lost Saturday night.  The Phillies suffered a brutal loss on Friday in the NLCS.... none of this mattered on Saturday afternoon and evening.  The world was perfect.  I was going to wake up the next morning feeling great, feeling that justice was served, feeling that peace and love and happiness were going to reign free and triumph in this universe.

A hanging, tattered osu flag under the bleachers after the game.......... 

Today, we are ALL Boilermakers.