Quick Hitter (PUN!!!!) Wednesday - Cubs/Pirates

Let me start off by saying this: Wrigley Field sucks, the Cubs suck, and all those standard gripings about the Northside hold true ... but ... Businessman's Specials are great.

Today's game was a rainout from a Sunday game earlier this season.  I had originally gone to the park with my wife, my parents and my youngest brother.  It was my parents' and brother's first trip to Wrigley so they were considerably disappointed to take the 2.5 hour drive to Chicago, get to the stadium, sit around for another 2.5 hours, and then leave.  At least we all got to see a couple players jog the outfield for 4 minutes before the rains came.

But that was then, this is now.  We turned in 3 of the tickets from that day and I took the other 2 and enjoyed some late September day baseball with my old friend from high school, M. Lee.

Lee's family moved away juuuuuuuuuuust before our Jr year of high school to a town about 60 miles south of our hometown.  Now, today that would be no big deal.  In the age of the internet, emails, facebook, kids that drive all over the country, etc, that wouldn't be an issue.  But back then, Christ, he may as well have moved to Winnipeg.  But after many years we reconnected by both living in the Chicago vicinity and we have enjoyed going to a couple games a year.

I took the El down to the Addison stop, leaving my place at noon.  During the ride down I was sitting next to a Latina girl who was listening to Jennifer Lopez on her iPod.  I am not familiar enough with J-Lo's music to know which song it was, but she was listening to it loud enough that I definitely didn't need to question whether it was J-Lo.  Maybe it was this song.  No idea.  Not really familiar with her work from before I met my wife.

I got a text from Lee letting me know he was at Harry Caray's and wanted to know if I wanted a beer before going into the game, and if I did he would have one waiting for me.  I told him in some sort of paraphrase: "It's Cubs-Pirates, last week of the season.... I'm ok missing the start of the game for beer."

We enjoyed a good handshake, had a nice little catch-up convo and enjoyed some 312 beer.  We agreed that we felt bad for the beer cart girl inside Harry Caray's, as Lee said he had been there for 20 minutes and not one person had purchased a beer from her.  Adding to the brutality was the fact that this was game 1 of the doubleheader so we assumed she had to work a double-shift... sorry chicky.

Lee and I put down guesses on the total number of people we figured would be at the game today.  We both hovered around 20,000... turns out we were a bit high (more later).

After finishing our beers and seeing Andrew McCutcheon reach base to start the game on one of the TVs in the bar, we made our way over to the park, and thank goodness we did.  The Pirates ended up scoring 4 runs in the first, which is all that ended up being scored in the entirety of the game.  Somehow we managed to see all 4 runs.  Think about that for a second.  We're in a bar, we watch the first full AB, leave the bar, walk to the stadium, get into the stadium, walk halfway around to find our seats, and still manage to see all 4 runs scored in the first.  This is not a testament to us sprinting to the game.  This is a testament to how few people were actually there.  It was a ghost town.  I really felt as if I could have driven down to the game and just parked on the street and nobody would have cared.

During the first inning we talked about watching 2 teams out of the race this late in the season and how they could make us coming to the game redeeming in some sort of way.  Maybe the Pirates score 28 runs.  Maybe we see part of the stadium collapse.  Maybe some animals get loose on the field.  Maybe we see just a good, old-fashioned brawl.  I liked our chances at the last option when Lastings Milledge took out Ryan Theriot on a double-play attempt and then got into a shouting match with the Cubs infield.  Sadly, no fighting.  If Milledge wasn't going to throw down, nobody was.  Lastings Milledge is definitely destined for some sort of red-ass type meltdown before his career is over.  I just hope to be there.

Ok, I can't hold off any longer... these are photos from the middle of the game...

These are just a couple angles.  The announced crowd was 36,000ish.  I've never heard the crowd unanimously laugh out loud at an attendance announcement before today.  But they did.  Our 20,000 guess was high.  The place was not half-full.  The entire upper deck was "exceptionally sparse" at best.  One thing that got us giggling was the fact that despite having basically free reign to sit anywhere, you naturally still get yokels like these:

(I paid my money! And I'm going to enjoy these seats!)

Back to the game.

Because it's the Cubs-Pirates, and we're 5 games from the end of the season, the topic of conversation obviously shifts inevitably to fantasy football.  I think it took us until the 2nd out of the bottom of the first to get to the topic.  If you discuss fantasy sports with someone who knows their shit and knows guys in your leagues, it's a joy.  If you discuss fantasy sports with someone who has never played in a league with you or knows nobody in any leagues with you, it's effing brutal.  But Lee knows all the fellas from back home so he was very receptive to my ranting and raving about guys bitching over rule changes, guys not paying, guys drafting nothing but Packers, etc.  Long story short, we agree that 2-QB leagues are not the devil, Kickers and Defenses are put on fantasy rosters to give us heart disease, and having 2 WR over 3 is a waste of a roster.  So, Lee gets in the hometown league if we ever expand or someone leaves.

Sadly, the wind was blowing in today so we saw zero dingers, but Garrett Jones hit 2 balls today that would have spilled someone's drink in Murphy's Bleachers each time.  One was caught and one was dropped by Fuk-U-Do-Me. 

We spent much of the latter half of the game talking about where classmates are now and reminiscing about our younger and more vulnerable days.  Days spent at our friend's pool. Convincing him to throw pool parties.  Girls hiding in the closet when Lee was changing into his trunks and laughing at his weiner.  Guys plotting to try and figure out a way to sneak peeks into the room where the girls changed (how did we never think of setting up a camera?  Or having one guy hide in there while the other guys made it seem like everyone was occupied?  These are regrets men have when reminiscing about their adolescent days).  We also talked about pranks we'd pull of throwing toilet paper on houses (apparently this wasn't a big deal to many of the friends Lee made after he moved.  This saddened him.  Throwing toilet paper on homes was a right of passage in Monroe.... as was upperclassmen guys dating underclass girls.  Somehow my wife doesn't understand this, but even Lee brought this up on his own, unprovoked during our conversation.  Those were just some of the things that happened in our town.  I think it was written into the by-laws of the city charter).  Some other pranks we discussed and felt bad about I will not mention or discuss here.  Some things are best left unsaid.  Let's just say that neither Lee nor I are Jewish, but we both used each other to atone some of our sins circa 1993-1997.  Does that mean we now don't find them funny?  No, most of it was fucking awesome.  But atonement is nice.

I did find out that Lee had never even been close to catching a ball at a game, and we were in prime foul ball catching territory.  There were a couple that would have come close, but they ended up in the upper-deck... until the 9th.  With 2 outs in the 9th, there was a screamer coming right at us.  I told Lee, "Get on that... get on that..." and he froze.  The ball landed literally 15 feet to our left, with not a soul between Lee and the spot where it landed.  The row was empty.  First time jitters I guess.  Better luck next time, champ.

One great thing about the game and the half-empty stadium today was that it reminded me of a simpler time back when I could go to Brewer games in Milwaukee, wear Phillies gear when Pat Burrell and the Philadelphians were in town and basically have an entire section to myself to relax and enjoy the game with few to no distractions.  It was like that today.  I wore a Pirates hat (not necessarily a fan, but I think the cap is totally badass) and I heard absolutely zero comments from anyone.  Partly because there were so few people there, partly because it was pointless to say anything since both teams suck, and partly because the Pirates and Charlie Morton (yes, THIS Charlie Morton) were in complete control (complete game, 4 hits, 8 K's I believe).

After the game, we said our goodbyes.  We'd see each other again at the latest for the Wisconsin-Northwestern football game in November.  Lee mentioned his dad would be there, which is great because I haven't seen him in ages.

On the ride home on the El, on the transfer to the purple line where there were literally 8 people on the entire train, an elderly man and his wife were talking on the other end of the train and I heard him say "That young man there is sitting in the restricted seats."  He was referring to me, sitting in the seats next to one of the doors reserved for elderly passengers.  Bear in mind that there were 90 open seats on the train, they had sat down before me, and I was getting off in 3 stops.  I turned to start potentially making some borderline abrasive defense of myself when I saw that he had a big scar/discoloration on his temple.  Definitely some sort of work had been done on his head.  Was it brain cancer?  Was it Alzheimers?  Was it something else?  I don't know.  But I decided to hold my thoughts to myself.  Seemed like a good way to end the day and a good lesson to live by:

Don't argue with crazy-headed brain-cancer-Alzheimer patients.

Heading out tomorrow for a trip up to Minneapolis to see the Badgers play my Alma Mater Minnesota Golden Gophers at the new TCF Bank Stadium.  My first time in the new stadium (I may be a tough sell... I am a HUGE Metrodome apologist).  Expect a full report afterwards.

Hello Wisconsin

It'd been a while. 

The last time I remember being in Madison was for a Pat McCurdy concert many weeks ago, and the last time I'd seen a football game there was, well, last fall sometime (far too lazy to look up which game it was).  But, yeah, it'd been a while.

So after a quick pit stop to see my Phillies lose a terrible game to the Brewers on Friday night, I rolled into Trav's place just before midnight, enjoyed a beer and hit the hay, ready to face the best of what Madison could give us bright and early Saturday morning.

We had planned on waking up by 7 and hitting the road by 7:30, and we did, but I had basically been up off and on all night already with Trav's yelping puppy chocolate lab who would not stop whining until he was let out at 2:30 and 5:00 am.  Generally I have a decent tolerance for dogs, but this annoyed the tar out of me, likely because Hunter is a lab.  I cannot stand labs.  Honestly, I think they're the worst breed of dog in the world.  If Michael Vick had fought with labs rather than pitbulls, I may own his jersey right now.  And the thing is, I cannot really pinpoint why I have such disdain for the breed, but I do, and it's not going to be changing anytime soon.  So, yeah, annoying whining lab all night + early game = grumpy Ryan for the first hour of the day.

As I mentioned in the last entry, we decided to tailgate for this game rather than do the standard bar crawl, and I think it was received pretty well by everyone.  We set up shop by 8am and I had 3 beers in me before 9.  Really set a nice tone for the day.  Beer of choice this morning?  MGD 64.  I love the stuff.  Here's the thing: I'm older now, so my tolerance is already far weaker than it was when I was in my college and immediate post-college days, so it doesn't take many drinks to get me buzzing, and since it won't take many drinks, why not get light ones that will keep the calories off?  Big win.  I mean, if I was still at the point where it took a solid 12 beers in 2 hours to even come close to a buzz, drinking that much 64 would be pointless because that number would obviously jump to like 16 needed to get drunk.  But since it takes me like 20 oz of any vaguely alcoholic liquid to start feeling nice, why not make it the healthy stuff?  So, yeah, I am a huge proponent of MGD 64.

An early highlight of the tailgate and the day in general was the return of our friend Al Mafa Dante* (*Note: Not his real name).  He had moved out west to Portland, OR within the last couple years so we hadn't had a chance to see and hang out with him in ages.  But he moved back to Madison a day or 2 before the tailgate so we let him know where to find us, and lo and behold, there he is at 9am.  It was great to catch up, learn about the places his life had taken him (the guy could do anything he wants in life.  He rocked like a 4.0 in college and then decided to drop out and move away and travel, then went back and finished up equally as kick-ass as he started).  Good to see Dante.

One discussion we had early on in the tailgate was about a female Michigan State fan and whether she was very pregnant or just had a remarkably round belly.  The early consensus was preggers.  The stomach was just far too round.  We thought it impossible for any human to have a rounded stomach like that without and living, growing fetus inside.  But we decided to keep our eyes on her to see if she tried any alcohol.  Within minutes, we saw her drinking a Miller Lite.  So either she:
A) Had the most abnormally rounded stomach in the Eastern US
B) Was pregnant, but living in 1963
or C) Hiding an inflated beach ball in her shirt to bat around during the game.
I desperately wish I had a photo of her, but sadly I couldn't manuever into a good enough position to get a good stealth photo.  Gonna have to trust me on this one.  For reference, it remotely resembled this:

As far as anything crazy at the tailgate, not much.  Pretty mellow and low-key and just a good morning for conversation.  Around 10:20, we started to pack up and head towards the stadium... Yes, the real stadium.

Ok, we didn't make it in one straight shot.  We pit-stopped @ the Big Ten Pub, like usual, to pound a quickie.  In our defense, though, when we did end up leaving the Big Ten, we made it a point to walk directly to Camp Randall and not past the Stadium Bar, so as to not get tempted.  Thank Goodness.

The one kind of fun thing about bars during pre-game is you really get to see all sorts of different marketing techniques at work.  At Buck's across from our tailgate, the local hard-rock radio station hosts a party there during Badger pre-games, so it's a lot of loud music, swearing DJs, and women wearing little clothing.  At the Big Ten?... You get this:

Yes, Curd Cow.  Giving away cheese curds to all who wanted them.  Well, not all.  This is Wisconsin.  80% of the people there already had brought their own.

To anyone that has not been to Camp Randall Stadium in the last, oh, 5 years, you may not know about their statue out in front of the stadium.  Let's offer a pop quiz.  Is the following picture:

A) A tribute to corn?

B) A tribute to the sex toy industry?

or C) A horrific piece of Nightmare Fuel for anyone who has ever suffered from hemorrhoids?

The answer is A.  But you would get full credit for answering B or C.  I'm a lenient grader.

Once in the stadium, Trav and Bowds headed to the seats while Head and I took a quick potty break and grabbed some food.  Head opted for everyone's favorite stadium food, Nachos.  I wish I could get into Nachos more.  I just don't enjoy the cheese.  I'll have a chip, but the cheese just is too much.  My food, obviously is the Big Pretzel.  Here was mine (and honestly, it wasn't the local Kiwanis Club's best effort.  Had I been a bit more drunk, I may have thrown it back at the 10-year-old working the counter and said, "Hey, heat this sumbitch up!".... ok, no, I wouldn't do that.  I'm far more passive.  It would have been polite.... ok, I wouldn't have done the polite thing either.  I was just going to eat it and keep my mouth shut):

By the time we actually sat down I think we had missed the first 2 minutes, which, big deal, nothing happens that early anyways* (*Note = Not always true .... Go Colts!).

The game itself was very entertaining.  Tons of offense, big plays, the crowd was intense... well, at least after the first quarter.

(5 minutes left in the first quarter... Hey, don't get mad at the Student Section.  It's tradition)

(See, it fills in eventually.  Settle down, old people)

I wish I had taken more notes on the game itself, but I was with good company so there was a lot of chatting in-between plays, which is when I would usually be taking notes if I were by myself.  No worries.  If you're that worried about game details.... But if you're worried about fan details?

(I have no idea what kind of fake designer women's sunglasses these are, but I can assure that is a man, and I can assure that he is old.  Uncomfortable for everyone).

One other thing I also noticed about our immediate vicinity?  Red heads.  Good lord, gingers everywhere.  I mean, I realize MSU's colors are green and white, but they aren't exactly Irish.  But seriously, when I say a lot of redheads, I mean it.  Like, enough to notice.  Just the fact that I'm mentioning it should show you how many were there.  When's the last time you've been in a place and had more than 5 redheads within a stone's throw of you?  Ok, now multiply the 5 redheads by like 12.  I didn't have my pitchfork with me for protection, but I kept a good lookout for any sudden movements.

So, Wisconsin dominated the game and we decided to leave with about 4ish minutes left.  Bad news bears.  Apparently MSU made a half-scary comeback and managed to get within 8 before the clock ended the game.  Eeeeks.  Still, I don't feel bad about leaving.  You're up 21 with less than 5 to play.  That lead is safe.

Some quick observations about the game itself I guess:

1) Scott Tolzien continues to impress.  I wish Curt P (not Pochert) had gotten a little more run in the game to try and expand the team's offensive repertoire, but I'll take a solid throwing quarterback and not be greedy.  It's kind of a first for WI to have a pretty studly passing QB, so no complaints.

2) Any "expert" who said MSU was a contender for the conference title in the pre-season knows nothing.  They had to replace a stud QB and an even studlier RB.  That alone is grounds for a major regression.  I mean, I did figure they'd be competetive this season, but certainly not in contention.  But yeah, they're a sketchy team.

3) Greg Jones is fun to watch at Linebacker for MSU.  I hope he ends up on the Colts someday.  I like him.

4) John Clay can be a top-5 running back when he gets his mind set on it.  Really studly.  But of course, any Wisconsin fan already knew that and has been waiting for him to do this consistently. 

5) I don't know if Garret Graham is a legit TE prospect or if he just simply happens to always seem to be in the right place at the right time.  Either way, he's a fun watch weekly for Badger fans.

Post-game we hit the standard round of bars.  Our idiot friend Miller couldn't find us in the Big Ten Pub parking lot beer gardens for well over an hour.  On the plus side, I did happen to see this guy:

(Tiny hat, or gargantuan melon?)

The after-party was fairly short-lived, as we had to head back to Trav's to let the dog out and eat a quickie pizza order from Pizza Hut.  The plan was to regroup at the house for an hour before going back out.  Well, the food knocked out Bowds and Trav (the alcohol, no problem.  But pizza?  Killer, apparently).  I was not happy with this, but at least we got to hang out and watch the night games (Iowa, man, that's coming together nicely there... and in spite of Drew Tate's unathletic cousin as their QB!).

So that was an overly unnecessarily detailed breakdown of my trip to Madison on Saturday.

Next up?  A bonus game!  Pittsburg Pirates @ the Cubs, Wednesday day game!  I'll be back with hopefully some mundane observations on that experience.  Otherwise, we've got Wisconsin making their first trip to my alma mater's new stadium in Minneapolis.  Yup, it's Wisconsin! Minnesota! TCF Bank Stadium! ("The Bank" is open on Saturdays!.... my wife owns that trademarked phrase, actually.  I like it.  It's clever.  Marketing genius, she is)...  I am very excited to get up there and see the new stadium that I COMPLETELY DISAPPROVED.  But I'll keep an open mind until I experience it.

What's in store this weekend

So after taking a week off to sit in my living room with 4 tvs in front of me (awesome, by the way.  Next year I won't travel as much and instead will enjoy the 13-hour, 4-tv, case of beer college football binge), I am back on the road.  This week the journey takes me to the homeland: Madison, WI, where I will be a witness to the 1-2 Michigan State Spartans trying to derail the 3-0 Wisconsin Badger train. 

Traditionally when I go to Badger games, we have our standard crew of guys and we do our standard pre-game stuff, which everyone does.  It always starts off a good mile away from Camp Randall Stadium at a lesser-known bar called Buck's, which happens to be right behind the Kohl Center.  When I say lesser-known, don't think of it as this hole-in-the-wall joint.  Every bar in Madison is known, and every bar is busy.  But it's not one of the mainstream bars that you would ever see covered in Sports Illustrated or ESPN on a list of "Great College Town Bars."

The crew will generally assemble around 8am for an 11am game.  The drink of choice at Buck's is Miller High Life.  If I remember correctly, they're a couple bucks (PUN!!!!).  Occasionally you'll get the yokel still recovering from the night before so they start with with some hair of the dog Bloody Marys and such, but for the most part, it's a beer place.  The general crew can range from 4-5 people to upwards of 20, and I never really know more than half (a lot of "friends of friends" type stuff going on), but I see the same people year after year.  It's a good feeling. 

The great thing about Buck's is the outdoor beer garden, but not for the beer.  They also have a food stand where you can get the best $5 Italian beef sandwich this side of Venice (or Chicago... Chicago makes some pretty mean Italian food).  It's a must-eat every gameday, and really sets the stomach for the alcohol intake. 

Generally an hour before kickoff the crew begins to scatter and my particular clique starts the walk towards Camp Randall.  No idea how long this takes.  I'm usually pretty happy by this point in the day (again, 10am).  Could be a 10 minute walk, might be 40.  I really have no idea.  But the scene of walking a mile towards a stadium and seeing nothing but folks wearing red is a warming feeling.

We actually have 2 stops that we usually make before we actually get into the game.  One is the Big Ten Pub (not affiliated with the actual Big Ten) for a quick beer, which is actually far more of a nuisance than it's worth.  To this day I really don't know why we go there every week.  You have to drink outdoors because it's beyond packed inside, and the wait line at the outdoor bars is absurd and it can take you a good 5-10 minutes some days to get a bar (5-10 minutes to wait is way over par for someone needing a beer 30 minutes before kickoff).  But, ya know, tradition....

After a quickie at the Big Ten, we then always head to the Stadium.  Not the stadium, but The Stadium.  Its a bar, ironically, right across from Camp Randall Stadium.  Clever owners.  The Stadium ... well, the Stadium, she's a fickle lass... Sometimes you go there, have a quick beer, and head into the stadium and you're only 15 minutes late.  But occasionally, The Stadium will grab hold of you and not let you leave.  You want to.  You paid your money for tickets.  But the pull of The Stadium is too much.... 15 minutes becomes 30.  30 becomes 45.  45 becomes "Halftime."  Halftime becomes the full game (and for some friends, "Bedtime.")

But yes, the game.

This is my first trip to UW for a game this season and I am quite excited.  I'm excited to eat a big pretzel (little known fact, I eat a big, soft pretzel at pretty much every sporting event I go to).  I'm excited to see Jump Around.  I'm excited to see the student section juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust finally fill up with 3 minutes to go in the first half.  Just the atmosphere.  It's good to be back.

And probably my FAVORITE thing about UW games and 11am games in general?  Ok, so, the game's done... you leave Camp Randall and the crew meets back up at the Stadium Bar (some have never left, obviously), and guess what?... You get to keep drinking, and watch more football!!!!!  It's a glorious thing.

So, all that said, this year may actually be a bit different.  Due to the economy (terrible, terrible economy... sad), a handful of us are going to tailgate before the game, rather than do the Bucks-Big Ten-Stadium route.  Hopefully it will save us about $80 out of our wallets before 11am on Saturday even hits.  Of course, where are we tailgating?  The parking lot across from Bucks, a mile from the stadium ... so if we choose to, we can still hit the big 3 bars and ring with tradition.

I'm hoping to remain sober enough to compile plenty of good notes and tidbits in my notebook so I don't spend all day Sunday and Monday trying to transcribe stuff like, "Hey honey, what do you think I meant when I wrote 'Hhehe, duble truble beeeers!! Look out branches!!!! Birds!!'"

So, football-wise, what am I looking for?  Well, can Wisconsin's running backs hang on to the ball this week?  Is Curt Phillips going to get some more plays in the UW offense after looking like a complete stud so far?  Has Michigan State decided on a QB yet or are they better off just throwing 3 running backs in the backfield and just hoping for the best?  Will Greg Jones collect 20 tackles?

And of course no weekend of football would be complete without some spreads.   Who do I like? Well, in this game the line opened with Michigan State +3. Real tough.  I just don't know what we're gonna get from MSU.  They can't be this bad can they?  And they're obviously going to play their asses off because going 1-3 to start the year and dropping their conference opener is just a death knell, right?  But UW has the chance to go 4-0, and I think everyone on that team remembers what happened the last time they had the chance to go to 4-0.... you don't have to go back far.  It was just last season when they were 3-0 and got molested in the 4th quarter against Michigan, thus beginning a terrible downward spiral that ruined their high-hopes 2008.  I think I'm actually going to go with Wisconsin covering in this one, but it should be pretty close.  There is a chance for a real sloppy, wet field with thunderstorms in the area Friday night and early Saturday so traditionally that favors a run game, which I think WI has the advantage with.  I'll say UW takes it 31-23. 

Other games?

Kansas giving 13.5 to Southern Miss.  It's Southern Miss' first road game this season.  They only beat Central Florida by 7 and had to "rally" to beat Virginia (who might be one of the 5 worst D-1 teams in the nation).  Kansas just keeps getting manageable spreads against far inferior opponents.  I don't care what their football players do in their free time.  All I know is they put up some points and destroy wimpies on Saturday.  Kansas takes this 41-19.

Also, a rejunvenated Florida State team is giving up 14.5 at home to South Florida.  Please.  This is free money.  USF lost the best QB in school history last week and Florida State is coming off an enormous road win.  They are re-focused.  I don't care that Bobby Bowden can't name 10 of his own players and hasn't made a playcall in 3 years.  His team is better and will roll.  44-16.

I also want to wish my wife the best of luck as she is running in her second ever 5K in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure on Saturday.  I will absolutely miss having her there with all of us, but I could not be more proud.  It's a great cause and she's going to run the best race of her life.

Enjoy the games this weekend.

Is This Heaven?.... NO. (Iowa Hawkeyes vs Iowa State Cyclones, 9/12/09)

This was my first trip in this journey that really has no end in sight.  I have had this crazy idea to see all 11 teams in the Big Ten (I'm not going with the hack "11 teams in the Big TEN" joke.  Get some original material, people) live and in-person this season.  My reasoning was that by seeing each team in person, I could gain a better sense of what the team is, their strengths and weaknesses, the sights and sounds one encounters when visiting different locations, and basically just to give me something to do.  I love college football (most aspects of it), and this seemed like a great way to get out and see more of it than the select couple teams I see all the time.

First stop on this train: The Iowa Hawkeyes.

Throughout the summer, I had remarkably high hopes for this Iowa team.  They had a wikid second half of 2008, capped off by an actual bowl win.  Crazy.  When I started looking at team schedules to piece together my trip, it was at this point that I realized that 2009 maaaaaaaay not be all it's hyped up to be for this Hawkeye team.  Despite the talent returning and the high hopes, their schedule saw them head to 4 of the most difficult spots in the conference this season: Wisconsin, ohio state (you'll learn I refuse to capitalize their name), Penn State, and Michigan State.  Brutal.  Plus they had an early-season road date with rival Iowa State which is never easy (foreshadowing?... um, no).  This game proved to be the best fit for my schedule to see games, so on Friday it was off to Ames, IA.  Oh, and song of the road trip?.... I'm totally straight.

The wife and I headed out on a 7-hour adventure Friday afternoon, detouring along the way to drop off the dog with my parents, who kindly offered to dogsit this weekend (easily the worst part of having a dog.  Few can handle dog-sitting, even for a cat-like, lazy hound such as ours).  A food pit stop was made for Sonic in Davenport, IA.  Sonic to us mid-westerners (in the northern region especially) is one of the more irritating businesses on the face of the planet.  We see your ads on television all the effing time.  Those clever improv snippets (except the ones with the kids.  Kids aren't funny at improv.  They really aren't funny in general) just tease us anytime we have our eyes glued to the TV set as if to say "look how funny it is to just in a car and eating debatably the most unhealthy fast-food edibles in the country and discussing mundane things!"  We like to sit in cars and eat and discuss mundane things in the upper-midwest.  But where are the Sonics?  For years we were subjected to these ads, with absolutely no way to access this restaurant's superpowers.  You only heard snippets here and there: "My cousin's best friend was on a trip to Phoenix and apparently they are all over down there.  She said it was delicious." And then everyone goes "Woooowwwwww (swoon)." 

But, Sonic has been making headway into the the region, with many stores opening up in Illinois, Iowa, Wisconsin, Indiana, etc.  Finally the teasing and temptation will go away and we can all rush to our nearest Sonic 50 miles away and wait for an hour in line because everyone needs to go there daily for the first year it's open.  Really, truly, a right of passage for us as US citizens.  (As a post-script, I had a burger, chicken tender sandwich, and 2 packages of tots because they screwed up my order of 1 small tot and 1 small fry... the meal as a whole was marginal at best)

After Sonic, the wife and I finished our drive for the evening to check into a Travelodge in Des Moines, IA which would only leave us 30ish miles for the morning.  I managed to book the hotel room a day before the trip for only $42, which seemed like a steal... until we checked in.  The room was about 12'x12', nice 20" tv, a double bed which was really just a glorified twin-size and a woven horse blanket on said bed that you would find hanging from a flea market on a reservation in remote South Dakota.  And the room smelled like it had been painted in urine.  But it did have free wi-fi, so, ya know, gotta pick your battles.  Somehow we managed to get some sleep without any sort of horror-movie incident, and at 7:30am Saturday we were ready to go.

Stopping only for Panera coffee (more on this later) on the trip to Ames Saturday morning, we got to the University Avenue exit and immediately realized this would not be a quick park-and-walk situation.  The parking and tailgating situation at Iowa State is actually pretty unique, I feel.  I've been to many places, but ISU's tailgating scene may be the most expansive.  It extends far from the stadium itself and wraps into little nooks and crannies of the corn fields and forrested areas.  I'm assuming it's not always this packed, though.  I'm guessing the fact that an enormous contingent of Iowa fans has something to do with the swell of people as far as the eyes can see.

(View of just one parking lot section from my walk to Jack Trice Stadium)

The first thing that jumps out at me about the crowd is the number of tents and busses.  These people love to set up the party tents and they love to paint busses and put beds on top and sofas and sound systems, etc.  I imagine this is what Iowa will look like when the real-life "Independence Day" happens and we're all forced to live like nomads. 

I also notice that people love walking around with open cases of beer here.  Both factions of fans.  It's almost like every tailgate is BYOB and people just go from tailgate to tailgate with their 24-pack of Bud Light (seems to be the beer o' choice).  Where I'm from, people tend to just distribute and give away their food and alcohol willingly during pre-games, so this was kind of interesting to see.  But I'm from Wisconsin, we're friendly like that.

The lots closest to the stadium were all completely specialized on who was allowed in.  One section was for parents of the players, then for parents of band members, or football alumni, etc.  I'm sure if I looked closer I'd find parking lots for Veterinary school alum, single-parents, clergy, handicapped tractor drivers, medical supply salesmen, registered sex offenders, et al.  All of this just seemed a tad unnecessary.

After dropping the wife off so she could go do her thing (work-related.  I don't ask too many questions), I somehow stumbled across presumably free parking in the dorm parking lot.  Just my lucky day I guess.  By saving on parking, I could rationalize with myself to pay a little extra to a scalper to get in.  I've set initial limits of myself for $40 on a ticket if I purchase before the game begins, and $20 once the game starts. 

On my walk to the stadium I start to regret my decision to rock the black polo and black White Sox cap to the game.  It's 80 degrees out, but with the lack of wind and shade it may as well be 105.  I'm 2 blocks into my walk and 5 minutes into my day and I'm sure my boxers are already 3 times as dark as they were when I put them on this morning.  I hate sweating, by the way.  Hate hot weather.  In my perfect world, it's 60 degrees every day, maybe lightly overcast, with a soft breeze.  I sleep with the A/C on even when it's in the 50's overnight.  I need ball-shrinking cold to be happy.

Speaking of the black polo, I realized that I find the Iowa colors on girls to be mildly sexy.  I'd say it raises a girl's hot points by .75.  There were tons of 3's and 4's walking around, raising their ratings to nearly 4 and 5 with just the black and yellow combo.  I don't know.  Maybe it's just me.  Or maybe it's just because the other colors you're seeing today look like something from a plate at a Mexican restaurant.

Did you know that you can take a ride around the parking lot on a big trailer being pulled by an even bigger tractor in Ames?  I really don't know what to say to that, but it's true.

(One of the "Tractor Tour" vehicles)

It gets to be 10:25 and I as I'm walking around the stadium I hear Sum 41's "Fat Lip" playing from the stadium sound system.  Makes sense.  It's a song from the last time they were a competitive team.

I figure it's time to start looking for some ticket scalping.  Shady stuff, I like that.  The first guy I see is this older man and I hear him tell another guy $125.  No thanks.  I see another old dude and politely inquire about his wares and he informs me he cannot go lower than $100.  No thanks.  So I'm 0/2 but I'm not worried because I haven't hit the professional scalpers yet.  And how will I know where the professional scalpers are?  Well, it's easy.  We're in Iowa.  The whitest of the white states.  I use common sense and basic racial stereotyping and tell myself, "If you want to find tickets from a professional, let's find us some black dudes."  So I did.  And they were professionals.  I asked the guy what I could get for $40.  He said "Nothing man.  Cheapest I got is lawn seating for 60."  Realizing that this is what the actual ISU ticket office is price-gouging for this game (for reference, lawn seats vs Army were $15), I just wandered over to the ticket trailer (yes, trailer) and bought a lawn seat for $60.  Hey, I'm here, I got free parking, might as well pay what the locals pay.  When in Rome...

As I'm entering the stadium, I hear this behind me:

"This is the latest I've been in the game in years."

(You and me both, pal, you and me.... wait, "latest?"  With 19 minutes to spare before kickoff?  Good God, man, that's 3 more beers you can put down before kickoff in the parking lot, easy.  And 4 if you don't mind missing the kickoff, since *nothing happens on the first drive of any game ever*.... * = may or may not be true)

Getting in to the stadium was a breeze.  I could have brought in the Dwight Schrute Potato Gun and nobody would have noticed.  The first thing I see when I enter the stadium?  An ad for Iowa State men's bball season tickets that's painted on the cement walkway.  Full season tickets only $99.  I would rather spend $35 to get Northwestern women's bball season tix.  Infinitely better deal.  And you're not in Ames.

(This may be the state motto.  I can't confirm that)

(The Cyclones running out of the tunnel.  Even if you're not a fan of the school and even though every place does the same thing, this is still pretty cool to witness at games)

My prediction for this game is Iowa taking the CyHawk trophy 23-12.  And speaking of scores, I immediately seek out the "Other Scores" scoreboard and make sure I've got a clear line of sight towards it.  My locks of the day?  Kansas -10 @ UTEP, Nebraska -24.5 vs Arkansas St, and Over 66.5 Oklahoma State vs Houston.  I do not condone gambling or betting on sports but if you were to do so on Saturday 9/12/09 and took my 3 picks, you'd be buying a yacht right now instead of reading this.

Here's the kickoff, and of course nothing happens.  Infact, in the first 5 serieseseseses (tough word to pluralize, even for a guy with an English degree) we saw 2 ints and 3 punts. Completely ugly football.  See, the guy could enjoyed an extra cold one in the parking lot.  At some point during those first 5 uneventful offensive displays, I do a quick scan of the crowd and it seems to be about 70-30 ISU fans, but I think the Hawkeyes contingent is louder.  And drunker.

(Drunk Iowa fan hanging on to her husband for dear life)

After the first 5 possessions I really gave up all hope for a "good" game.  Iowa State is generally just a bad team, and Iowa has yet to find a "real" running back since Jewel Hampton was lost for the season.  Add in the fact that Brian Bulaga ("The Whale") was out for this game due to illness, and it had potential to get fugly.

Did you know that the PA announcer at Jack Trice Stadium also acts as a crowd cheerleader?  Most PA announcers will do the standard call of name of player, what happened, down, distance.  Not this hipster.  "All right ISU fans, Iowa is pinned on the 11 yard line!  Let's hear ya!"  Who the hell does that?  Who is announcing, Rob Schneider in Necessary Roughness?  Harry Shearer in Little Giants?  This is absurd.  I feel like I'm at a glorified high school game anytime he speaks.  But even my ho-dunk small-town high school never did anything like that.... I am speechless.  Without speech.

Now, if you had asked me before the season began: "Ricky Stanzi: The next Drew Tate or the next Drew Tate's unathletic cousin," I would have said Drew Tate.  And right now, I would be wrong.  Let's not sugarcoat anything.

How bad was this game up to this point?  With 3 minutes to go in the first half, I realized how dumb the decision to have a Panera latte was due to the beginning of the stomach-clearing process, and decided "This game sucks, screw it, I'm going to the bathroom before the 2nd quarter rush begins."  

Now, I'm not a huge proponent of telling bathroom stories to the world (*lie*), but this one is necessary.  A couple reasons:
1) The stall I ended up with could not have smelled more like a freshly-shit barn full of cows even if I had actually been standing in a freshly-shit barn full of cows.  It's uncanny.  I wish you could bottle a smell and transfer it like you do with photos and videos, etc.  Just a mind-blowing farm stench.  The guy who used the stall before me HAD to have just come to the game fresh from morning chores, or had the stomach and bowel movements of a cow.  Really a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
2) On the backside of my stall door, there was this sign:

(Really?  This is necessary bathroom reading?  Are guys sitting on the loo, thinking, "Man, I'd love to give this dookie nugget to a player... Oh, wait, I cannot give it to him, that would be illegal.  Thank you bathroom stall sign.  you've saved me much hassle with the NCAA.")

One last bathroom tidbit before I move on: I was recently asked if there is something in life that I am just plain "good" at, for no real reason, and I have another answer to add: Finding the fast lane or an open urinal in men's bathrooms.  No idea why.

Apparently I missed some ISU movement.  They have managed to get into field goal range and make it from 46 yards shortly after I return to my spot.  We're on the board here in Ames.  3-0, Cyclones.  Call your friends.

The pleasantness for ISU lasts only a few seconds, though, as they attempt a tricky lil' onside kick.  Iowa is not at all fooled and recovers easily.  Insult to injury?  ISU was offsides, tack on 5 yards for Iowa.  Hawkeyes only need to go half a field for a TD to take the inevitable lead and go on for the win.

Here's a standard series from Ricky Stanzi that just took place: Play-action, rollout right, TE on a drag route is wide open 10 yards down the field.  Like, completely wide open... to the point of tackling himself out of boredom because there's no challenge in being THAT wide open.  Stanzi decides that's too easy and lofts the ball 40 yards down the sideline to a guy who is healthily covered and the ball sails 10 yards out of bounds and 15 yards deep.  On the next play, they run it again and this time Stanzi makes the right decision.  It's as if he needs to be reminded after each play what he did wrong and then the coach yells "On the ball, run it again!"  Only, Stanzi is an experienced QB.  He's got a full season+ of experience.  This should not be necessary.

On the plus side, if I'm a coach for Iowa right now, I've realized that ISU cannot defend any sort of play-action pass. And apparently the staff learns as quickly as I do, as they have the ball on the goal line, see ISU stack 11 in the box, run a fake dive and send the TE on a quick out, and it's as easy a 6 as you'll find.  7-3 Iowa as we are finishing the first.

Other scores: Florida up 7-0 on Troy.... wow, tight one.....

Completely uneducated guess @ the attendance?  Let's say 74,677 (I learn later it's in the mid 50,000s... Eh, can't win 'em all).  One thing I do like about "The Trice" (I've given the stadium this nickname.  It will not catch on, and I accept that) is the 4 corners of the end zone are all grassy knoll areas.  Allows people to wander, get some good spots, stretch out a bit.  It's a cool little quirk to the stadium.

(The entire corner is all people sitting/standing on a grassy hill.  It's the same in every corner.  The place was packed.  I've seen photos of the corners for other gamesgames and it might be a third of the way full for any other game.  Iowa brings the big guns fan-wise)

Just witnessed the most athletic play of the game so far, and that may possibly hold up for the rest of the game: Brandon Wegher takes a terrible throw from Stanzi over the middle, catches it one-handed behind him, spins out of a tackle, and then scrambles for a first down.  If I had a clip to link to, I would.  Really remarkable and athletic.  Wegher has piqued my interest.

Ferentz and Co. may have ISU figured out after confusing them with a play-action rollout right pass for the 94th time today (and if it's a crossing pattern, more power to them).  Let me see if I can predict their next play: play-action rollout right pass...... Bing bing bing!  Sadly, though, Stanzi shows his true colors on the next play by throwing a terrible pick.  My theory?  It was a straight 5-step drop and he doesn't know how to throw a pass out of anything other than a play-action rollout.

Annoying fan trend that needs to stop: Assuming if a DB so much as breathes in the direction of a WR that it's got to be pass interference.

And now a special message from Dr Steve Brule.

ISU has a 4th and 2 from midfield.  There is no way they're running a play here.... Nope, all the barking for show.  Punt coming up.  I have to think this team will be better when Leinart and Bush come off the bench:

(The Iowa State Trojans)

The jumbotron just played the mandatory "helmet/cap" shuffle game you find at every single stadium/arena.  Usually this is the easiest thing in the world.  Somehow I got this incorrect, and the helmets moved as slow as any I've ever seen on the game.  I'm blaming the heat, which is causing me to lose 5lbs of weight from my body, but depositing it as sweat in my shorts.  Remarkably uncomfortable here.  Is this Heaven?  No, it's f'ing Iowa... on a ridiculously hot day.

Somehow Iowa just got away with a blatant roughing the punter call that even after seing on replay twice I still cannot find a way to justify the stripes blowing it.  Huge break for the white jerseys, and the ISU contingent is as loud as they've been since the tailgating.

On the ensuing drive, Joe Montana Stanzi tries to escape a rushing lineman by running at a 45 degree angle backwards directly towards the end zone.  Juuuuuuuuuuust as he's about to get sacked for a near-safety, he decides to throw the ball directly at a Cyclone.  You know, just for fun.  It's picked and the crowd loses their mind.  But in an encapsulation (may not be a word, may not have even spelled this fake word correctly) of all that would happen in this game, ISU is called for a late-hit, and the INT is negated.  Stanzi says "Jah Bless," makes a note to buy the ref a bouquet and lives to see another turnover-less down.

I hate to turn this into the bash Ricky Stanzi post, but the current Big Ten starting QB power rankings look like this:
1) Anyone with a pulse
2) Ricky Stanzi
Prime example: Shortly after being saved by the stripes on that roughing call, Iowa runs a play (play-action, obviously) and a receiver drags across the field to the right, which is the backside on this particular play.  He is uncovered.  Nobody within 10 yards of him and 50 yards of pure pasture in front of him if Stanzi can just hit him.  Stanzi overthrows him by a solid 15 yards.... Did I mention that the receiver was running an 8-yard route?  Iowa is forced to punt and a non-return is pushed back another 15 yards on 2 (TWO!!!) block-in-the-back penalties on the Cylones.  If you can't feel the tide turning by this point, you have never seen football played beyond the middle-school level.

Tyler Sash of Iowa collects an interception... theme alert!

Stanzi miraculously does not flub this possession up, throwing a great pass to a WR on a fade route in the endzone.  It's at the opposite end of the stadium so I don't have a great view of it but it looked like a nice pass initially.  Gonna have to see the big replay on this one to be sure.... and.... nope, I lied.  That was 10% pass, 90% WR effort going up to get it.  And Stanzi earns a 2nd TD pass today.  14-3, Iowa.  Game over.

Another Iowa pick.  Standard.  Also standard?

(Old dude rocking overalls.  63% chance I found my bathroom farm-stench culprit)

Incase he's reading this, I want the ISU public address guy who plays music to realize that "Click, Click, Boom" loses any remote sort of impact it has when you play it after 3 straight plays.

And we move to halftime with a 14-3 score.  Thoughts so far?  Well, ISU is awful.  Iowa is winning almost in spite of Stanzi.  The press box side of the stadium is much easier to move around the concourse.  The concessions advertise Cy's Famous Cheesesteak (How famous can it be?  I've never heard of it and I'm a GD genius) and something called the "Walking Taco."  There's a remarkably racist joke in there, but I'm not going to touch it.... at least not in blog post #1.  But feel free to make one on your own and realize I've probably got almost the exact same thing written in my game notes.

Halftime entertainment includes the Hawkeye dance team performing to an REM medley, which I trust the PA announcer on, because I was in line for a soda and never heard so much as a peep of music from the field.  I'm sure it was a mind-bending display of hot dance steps to "Everybody Hurts."  The ISU band then takes the field to perform a medley of pop hits.  Reasonably uneventful.  They actually do this march thing between songs though that looks like a cyclone, which is "mildly" neat.  That's the 50-year-old-woman-who-is-entertained-by-everything in me coming out there.

(Your Cyclone Marching Band)

I didn't get a photo of it, but I decided that if you buy a yearly "Iowa-ISU" rivalry game shirt @ the game, you're basically just telling the world, "I'm a pawn in the game of life."  There are at least 958 things I can think of immediately off the top of my head that I'd rather spend my $25 on.  Examples?  A 20 minute chair massage from the Asians at the mall kiosk.  A case of any beer (or 3 cases of Natty).  A cheap DVD player.  A subscription to Better Homes and Gardens.  A large down-payment on Northwestern Women's Basketball season tickets.  A Gheorghe Muresan Fathead.... you get the idea.

Remember when the pundits thought this guy was a legit Heisman candidate? Tee hee hee.

The second half is when the wheels completely came off the Cyclone train, so my mind started wander and just hallucinate and beg God for the game to end.  15% of the crowd never returned after halftime and 75% were gone before the first snap of the 4th quarter.  I can basically save everyone some time and sum up the entire 2nd half with 4 points:

1) Play-Action, bootleg right, crossing pattern

2) This guy.  Seriously, just a walrus penis of a display on defense in this game.  I should have written more about him but nothing I would have said could do him justice.  3 picks, 10 tackles to lead the team.  Sideline to sideline.  Just amazing.

3) And possibly my new Big Ten man-crush.  The video does not include the ridiculous reception from the first half, which is a crime.  But, by viewing this video, I know at least one guy in my fantasy football league will draft him next year... and it's an NFL league. (He's easily swayed by youtube highlight films, which is like saying "I am entertained easily and will buy into anything I see on TV.... Go Glenn Beck!"

4) Austen Arnaud getting benched, deservedly so.  When I found out later in the game that the team only had committed 6 turnovers, I was certain it was a lie.  It sincerely felt like 11 by the time I left the stadium.

Midway through the 3rd quarter, I witnessed a drunken argument to my left between 2 recent graduates of each school.  The argument basically boiled down to who has a better degree/career/makes more money with their school's degree.  Can I vote neither?  Or throw a 3rd school into the mix, say, Farm College?  After 20 minutes and countless people telling them to "shut the fuck up" (or a dozen variations of the phrase), the guys manage to make peace and then come dangerously close to making out throughout the 4th quarter.  I had my camera ready. 

Overheard behind me-

Girl: "I'm so excited your wedding is off."

Guy: "Yeah, I know!"

Late in the game the Iowa fans began a "Hawkeye State!" chant.  I actually like the idea of a real in-state rivalry.  I feel like there is certainly more venom between 2 schools when they share a state, but not in a real terrible "hateful" way.  I don't know if I would have personally been involved in an in-state rivalry myself when I was in college, but it's certainly unique to see.

(Douche, or protecting his neck from further sun damage?... I'm gonna go with a solid "both.")

In the final minutes, ISU shanked a punt for about 7 yards and not a peep was heard from the crowd because by that point the schadenfreude was expected.  Also, Iowa brings in their backup QB to get some run and I put the over/under on his pass attempts at 1.5 and actually take the over.  2 plays later, my bet hit (and he actually looks pretty solid in the process).  Told you I was on fire today.

At the end of the game I find out ISU rushed for 190 yards but I couldn't remember more than 10 of them. 

Stanzi also put up one of the most fraudulent 4-TD passing days I've ever seen, passing for juuuuuuuuust over 50%, under 200 yards, and missing out on roughly 4 picks.

As the final gun sounds, the Hawkeyes bask in their 35-3 win, holding ISU without a TD for the 14th straight quarter in their rivalry (it's true!  You can look it up and everything!) and the Iowa band plays "In Heaven There Is No Beer" which brings the largest Iowa-related smile to my face ever.  Congrats Hawkeyes.

And with that, my day was done.  All that was left was a long-ass drive home and trying to find Michigan-ND and USC-osu on the radio during the trek.  Michigan-ND was fairly easy to come across.  USC-osu in arguably the biggest game of the year on paper?  Not so much as a faint crackle in the night.  If anything, that pushed me towards investing in Sirius/XM radio.  We live in 2009 and have a huge college football game playing in primetime but no radio station in the upper-midwest is carrying it?  WTF?  We were picking up SEC games for piss sake. 

So that being said, I should get on that satellite radio price-hunting mission.

Next up, see you in Madison on 9/26 for the inconsistent Wisconsin Badgers vs the overrated-in-the-preseason Michigan State Spartans.  That adventure maaaaaay see more alcohol involved.