Unnecessarily Detailed (Sports) Travel Stories

Running Journal: Oregon State Beavers vs Oregon Ducks

2009-12-03T19:55:00.083-06:00

Pregame (7:45) --- So, my preseason Pac 10 pick was the Beavers of Oregon State. I liked the returning parts and I like 'Quizz Rodgers at RB because he reminds me so much of myself (fast, tiny, and black). When it became apparent a couple weeks ago that this game would be for all the marbles and a trip to the Rose Bowl, I was giddy. What I was not so giddy about? Having to wait an extra week for the game. It's like waiting for the Super Bowl. I really have no idea why I'm so excited for this game other than my pre-season pick of the Beavers, but I am. Really, really excited. I woke up this morning and LITERALLY the first thing that popped into my head was "Who runs for more yards tonight, Quizz or LaMichael James of Oregon?" I have a problem.

We're about 10 minutes from kickoff and I'm killing time before the start by doing an analysis in one of my fantasy football leagues about how many points each team has left on the bench each week. I bought myself a new Excel program for Christmas and could not wait to break it in. I'm a total stat geek and Excel only acts as an enabler. It's sad, really. I'm in the wrong field. Healthcare... pffffff. Anyone hiring in the field of "unnecessarily detailed shit?" Oh, that's why I have this blog.

It's a good night to have the 3-tv setup. I'm going with the Ducks/Beavers on the jumbotron HD. I'd love to have the Jets/Bills game on TV2, but that only gets basic cable and cannot get the NFL network. I may have to jump back and forth. Michigan State vs North Carolina in the Women's Big Ten-ACC Challenge gets TV2 rights now. And thank Jah for DVR, so I can watch my Thursday lineup at my leisure over the coming days.

7:53- Might have to crack a beer or 2 for this one. We've got many varieties still leftover from the group tailgate at the Northwestern/Wisconsin game a couple weeks ago, so I can mix and match Busch Light, some Polish beer, and some other crap. And don't worry, I still intend to fire off a post at some point about the chaos that day. No names will be revealed, though. I'm no turncoat. I realize people have jobs and careers that need protecting.

7:55- Yes, Jesse Palmer on color tonight. Gotta love a Canadian. Oh yeah, he's Canadian. You may not have known that. But now that you know that, every time he opens his mouth, you're going to hear that accent. Muahahaha.

7:59- Pee out of the way. Fat Tire is the beer to start it off.

8:00- I've got a 3-way parlay down tonight. Oregon State +9.5, Over 62.5, and Arkansas State -6 @ Western Kentucky. Yes, I put money on Arkansas State vs Western Kentucky. Say what you like, I can take it. But I'll be rolling in the money afterwards and you won't. Not everyone has the balls to put down $2 on that game.

8:01- Official prediction is Oregon State taking it 41-37. Go Beavers!

8:01- Mike Reilly is one of the nicest coaches in the world. What a polite man .... also, Arkansas State is down 17-3 to winless Western Kentucky. Well played, Hoigaard.

8:02- Short kick for the Beavs to start, crappy Ducks return + some yards for a late hit by a Duck. Can't do that, son. Well, you can, but ask Legarette Blount how that works out.

8:03- "You can't quit on LaMichael James" ~Chris Fowler.... you can when he only gains 1 yard.

8:04- INTERCEPTION!!! Ideal start for the Beavs. Great field position. Palmer compares Masoli to a young Brett Favre. Good luck with that tonight, Oregon. Brett Favre + Big game = multiple INTs.

8:05- Shot of Masoli wearing eye black that would make the WWF Road Warriors jealous. Call me crazy, but I'm not a fan of QBs rocking too much eye black. That's reserved for linebackers. Know your role, kid.

8:06- Mark Mangino won't be back next season apparently. Sadly, the person most impacted by this is:

(Baby Mangino, you will always be in our hearts)

8:08- Third and goal for the Beavers. Great sign in the crowd "Wait til you see my O." Gotta give the Ducks fan props for that..... Pass is just short of the goal line and we're 4th and goal from the nano-inch line.

8:09- Going for it......Quizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz TD. Go Beavers. And their 10-person band plays their school song that I recognize 0% of.

8:10- If my dog decides that she has to go outside during any point for the first or second half, she will be taken to a shelter tomorrow and given up for adoption. You will go outside during halftime and LIKE IT!... unless these farts continue. I can't take that kind of torture.

8:11- I'm over the 2 guys tailgating commercials for Allstate Insurance. Drew needs to go back to showing the ladies his O-face.

8:13- Ducks with the ball back, nice fake pass and run by Masoli that probably breaks for 30 yards 9 out of 10 times. Nice shoestring tackle brings him down.

8:14- Big gain on an end around. Loving the Over bet right now. Free money..... Not free money? Arkansas State -6 @ Western Kentucky. That'll teach me to bet on shitty football.

8:15- And after 4 plays the Ducks are knocking on the door. Seems reasonable...... Another big gain on a pass over the middle to Jeff Maehl who was covered by the Beavs as if he was a creepy old guy (nobody wanted to go within 15 miles of him).

8:16- Nothing against the guy, but I don't think I've ever watched a Craig James-announced game and thought to myself after he said something "Hmmm, good point."

8:17- Third and goal, TD for LaMichael James. Making big bro LeBron proud. (*Note, not actually true).... extra point is good and we are all tied up. Very exciting.

8:19- Howie Long can make all the commercials he wants, but nothing will top this one with the girl pointing at his special spot saying "That's a big girl car." Awk-waaaaard.

8:21- Sean Canfield, you throw like Matt Leinart, but I like you.

8:22- Love me some Jesse Palmer Canadian accent. You hear it, don't you?..... Canfield continues to rock rough and tough with his afro puffs.

8:23- Not sure how I like Fowler referring to Quizz as Quizz. I mean, it's legit, but Fowler is... very white.

8:25- Beavers get stopped short (That's what she said) and attempt a 40 yd FG, and it's good. State up 10-7, still early.

8:26- I wish Chevy had informed me that Howie Long would be taking over every commercial break. I would have kept count for fun.

8:27- Anyone else kinda wish they were the actor in the insurance commercial where the guy tricks kids into thinking they are getting something cool (bike, pony, etc), and then not letting them use it?

8:28- Erin Andrews actually giving a salient point. Chip Kelly wants Oregon to move faster on the offense. Coming off an 80-yard, 3-minute drive?.... Seems reasonable.

8:29- Third and long for the Ducks. Big play coming up..... woooooooo boy. Long TD on a CB getting embarassed. And the Ducks jump back out ahead on a 73-yard TD. Holy balls. This game is everything I've been anxious for. Seriously, holy balls. What a game.

8:32- Cincinnati does not interest me. I do not want to see them in the title game. Enough said.

8:33- Arkansas State down 20-10 with 9 minutes to go. I really know how to pick 'em. New rule: Don't bet on a team where you couldn't name the team nicknames without looking it up. Arkansas State... Red something? Wait, Red Wolves. Duh. OK, I was within my rights to pick them.

8:35- Least suprising news in the world: UW-Whitewater and Mount Union are both in the D3 Quarterfinals .... for what seems like the 19th straight year.

8:36- We have a double-jump catch!!!! It doesn't just happen in Tecmo Super Bowl!

8:37- Johnny Hekker, the Beaver punter, is the scariest looking human being in the stadium. Children of the Corn crossed with Problem Child. His headshot staring straight into the camera can make you go blind.

8:38- Nice punt, kid. You had 2 chances to get it right and could still only max out at 15 yards. 15??? It kills me when punters have kicks go off the side of their feet. How hard is punting? Really. How hard?

8:39- Craig James, don't say "jitterbug." That's reserved for George Michael.

8:40- The reason this is such a good game isn't just the great scoring. We're seemingly going from great defensive plays and tackles to huge offensive gains every other play for both teams. That's what makes a great game. When, despite the score, both units are making plays. My excitement for this game is completely legitimized now.

8:41- Read an article this week that some kid in Taiwan actually "beat" World of Warcraft.... There's a less than 1% chance his penis has ever been touched. Including on his own.

8:43- It's also games like this that make me furious that the Big Ten ends their season so early. Late-season football is great and the tension is so high. Why would you want to end that early? Foolish..... (*Note- the opinions and statements made by me do not necessarily reflect those of my family)

8:45- Early favorite for Mangino's next job? A talk show with Rick Majerus.

8:46- The headsets on the ref bugs me. He looks like he should be taking customer service phone calls for Dell computers.

8:47- Game has slowed down a tad. Do the teams have each other figured out? Of course, with each of these teams, their next score is only 8 seconds away.

8:48- Arkansas State within 3 now, with 5 minutes left. Giddyup..... Also, Erin Andrews cannot pronounce "Decibel." Is she still necessary? Are any of them? Injury updates and sideline notes are fine, but I don't need mini-feature stories/reports during the game. Save those for the Olympics when the moms watch and become sports fans for 2 weeks.

8:49- Westwood College: The Diploma Mill For Those Who Have Zero Goals.

8:51- Oregon gained 697 yards last year? Seriously, half that is respectable in any given game. 697? That puts video games to shame.

8:52- Great 3 and out for the Beavs. Best stand of the game. Really got to put some yards together on this next drive, though. They've been shut down their last few possessions. Even if they don't get points, they've got to flip the field position game over.

8:53- Luke Wilson obviously gaining weight for his next role....

8:54- Michigan State women are in control over #4 North Carolina. That's huge. Almost as huge as their star Alyssa DeHaan:

(She's awesome)

8:56- Ok, the officiating is starting to sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiightly favor Oregon. Slightly. It's early, so I'm not saying anything big yet, but.... I'm getting nervous.

8:57- 2nd and 25 after the big penalty ..... Monster shake and bake run by Quizz.... why not???? And a flag at the end for good measure. This one coming back, zebras?

8:58- Apparently ESPN mistook a Duck helmet for a flag. It happens, I guess..... But then they get antsy in their pantsy and call a false start on the Beavs anyways. Can't come easy for State. At least they're in striking distance. First and 15 from the 20. Gotta get points here.

8:59- Canfield completes it to a white receiver. That's all I got.

9:00- 3rd and 6 ... incomplete. FG attempt here. Gotta get points.

9:01- Kahut from 28... got it. Pulls the Beavers closer (that's what she said).

9:03- Holy balls, Arkansas State has a 4 pt lead with 2:30 to go, and they have the ball! Could those Red Sacks (Wolves) actually pull off the 6pt cover???? (If not, all they need to do is win. I hedged the bet with a teaser. It's what I do. That's why I'm so good at gambling. I should be banned due to breaking Bodog with my plethora of $2-$5 bets.

9:04- The scoring continues as the Ducks take the kickoff 95 yards to the house........ which will not count. Penalty(ies) on the Ducks. Poor fellas. Can't hold, boys. Especially twice.

9:05- "It's a full moon tonight, so anything can happen on plays." ~Craig James .... Just shut the hell up. You're adding nothing.

9:06- Fumble.... Beavers fall on it deeeeeeeep in Ducks territory. Nice swat by 54 to force the fumble. Very impressive.

9:07- And Arkansas State wins 24-20. No cover, but I'll take the win. Teasers are so easy.

9:08- Oregon State's best defensive player is a mix between Andrew WK and former Illinois linebacker J Leman. Look 'em up. It's true. Science.

9:09- Quizz gets stuffed for nothing and forces a 4th down. Another field goal by the Beavers puts them up 16-14 with still 4+ minutes left in the first half. Very exciting.

9:10- I'm not heartless (debatable), but the State Farm insurance commercial showing people with cancer and soldiers hurt and everything with the kid singing "I'll Be There" in the background... the kid sings the wrong lyrics, right? I'm not crazy am I? It's "You and I must make a pact." He sings "You and I must make a pack." It's quite obvious too. Have I had the lyrics wrong all these years? I mean, I'm not an idiot (again, debatable).

9:12- Masoli with a nice designed run for 15 yards. Fun game.

9:13- Masoli with another run for 3ish. It's a good thing he can run, because relying a 5'10" qb to throw all the time is asking quite a bit. Unless you're in the Big 12. Then you can get away with it with ease (Chase Daniels, Todd Reesing, others).

9:14- Masoli with a completion and just like that the Ducks are back in striking distance. Again, fun game.

9:15- Fowler shows off his announcing skills by covering his own mistake on who kept a tailback option. That's how you make your money, folks.

9:16- I had no idea these 2 teams were the top 2 teams for scoring in the Redzone. Good tidbit, ESPN. Occasionally you give us things worthwhile.

9:18- Just under a minute and a half to go, Ducks on 2nd and goal and LeBron's brother scores again. Ducks jump back on top 21-16. Can Oregon State come down the field with a minute and change? I hope so. I actually think we're going to see another score this half. If it's not State, I can see Oregon getting it back and throwing up a late score. Again, to the point of a cliche, fun game.

9:21- And on first down, Canfield goes Waaaaaaay deep to James Rodgers and draws the pass interference.

9:23- Leafs throw up 6 goals on the road @ Columbus. Wow. Thanks for doing that in Chicago a few weeks ago.... hosers.

9:24- Quizz gets out of bounds to make it 3rd and 5 with :51 left.... come on Beavers (that's what she said)

9:24- Canfield to Quizz's brother James for the first down .... Another completed pass to the tight end with 29 seconds left and finally call their first timeout. Great drive. They should get some points out of this to pad both the cover and the Over. Oh, and keep them within striking range of actually winning this game and going to the Rose Bowl.... like I predicted.... in August. Bitches.

9:25- If the Beavers get another false start call I'm going to scream. That's 3 this half. Jesus guys. I know it's loud, but at this stage of the game, just make sure you get the play off.

9:26- Turns out if was a frosh, all is forgiven.... Canfield escapes a sack, completes a wobbly pass to Brady Camp and he turns it into a decent 10 yard gain and gets out of bounds. Nice little scenario.

9:27- James Rodgers on the catch across the middle for a HUGE TD. Great grab and pulled it in over the DB and trotted in the final 5 yards. Awesome game. Awesome. 23-21. Awesome. Very exciting.

9:29- Ducks FUMBLE the kick return, but recover. Holy codpiece, that would have been monstrous if the Beavs recovered that one. Ducks better sit on this one to end the half... And they won't. HB shotgun trap to the right, out of bounds..... Same play on the next play and Lebron's brother nearly breaks it... wow.

9:31- We are at the half. 23-21, Beavers. And it's time to pee.

9:34- Here's your halftime show.

9:41- More halftime entertainment.

9:43- Ok, last bit of halftime entertainment. One of my all-time favorites. These quotes still come out at least once a night when I'm drunk.

9:45- "Can the Florida defense slow down Alabama wide receiver Julio Jones?".......... Yes.

9:45- Taylor Lautner asked Dr. Lou a question about Rich Rodriguez... Please. ESPN.... stop this. No New Moon fans are watching this game, let alone this halftime show. There is no reason to pander to that fanbase. Just, stop the cross-promotion. I realize I'm beating a dead horse here and I'm like the last blog in the world to complain about this, but come on. Lou Holtz, Taylor Lautner, and Magic Johnson... sounds like the lead-off to a joke.

9:47- I will admit, though, I have a soft spot for Lou Holtz. Guy cracks my shit up.

9:48- Longest........... halftime............ ever.

9:51- We're at 20 minutes......

9:52- Since we've got time to kill, here's my favorite college football-related photo ever:

(Badass)

9:53- And we're underway in half #2

9:53- Canfield starts where he left off: 10 yard completion to James Rodgers.

9:54- Another flag... false... fucking.... start. This is getting funny.

9:55- Michigan State women take the game over #4 North Carolina. Congrats Spartans. Big win. ACC takes the challenge 7-4, though. Get'em next year.

9:56- Sexy throw and catch on 3rd and long for the first down. The Beaver WRs are just beating the Ducks db's to every single ball and fighting all tie-ups away. I'm not a big believer in "this team wants it more," but, right now, this team wants it more. And they should. First Rose Bowl berth since 1964 on the line here.

9:58- Canfield throws it right at a Duck lineman, who drops it. Then the Beavs are rewarded with a late hit on the QB to get them down to the 27 yard line. A TD on this drive would be massive.

9:59- Quizz absolutely cannot get tackled. Remind me of myself, circa 8th grade. I've videos if anyone needs proof. Seriously, they're like 3 feet away from me. I keep them near me at all times incase anyone ever wants to watch them. Just ask.

10:00- The stroke of 10pm central. From here on out, we are officially past my bedtime.

10:01- Canfield passes over the middle to a guy who catches his first TD of the season. Big Beaver score (that's what she said)!!!! We are now at 30-21, State. Cover is looking like a lock and the over is in remarkable shape. I love college football.

10:02- Eat my ass, Chris Berman. You add nothing to nothing.

10:05- Monster tackle to take down the Ducks on their first play of the half. Second play goes for a first down. Gonna be more of the same in the 2nd half, I see. Fine by me. This is very exciting.

10:07- Lebron's brother puts together a couple of solid runs to get the Ducks down into Beaver territory. Beaver defensive back Tim Clark of Compton, CA gets injured on the play ... hey kid, you're from Compton. A torn ACL is a blessing compared to what fate you could have seen growing up.

10:09- To keep you occupied during this injury timeout..... go Badgers.

10:11- Ok, that's a gruesome injury. Almost on the level of this.

10:12- Hey Legarrette, welcome back.... carries for 3 yds. Crowd takes 10 seconds to realize it's his first carry since the fight. Hippies. Too high to understand what's going on.

10:13- On one play the Beavers may have gotten away with both a late hit on the QB and a ticky-tack pass interference. Both would have been questionable, but both could have been called.

10:14- Jeff Maehl with a remarkable catch while getting pummeled for a catch and a first down on a gutsy 4th down call. Big play.

10:15- "How do you cramp up in 30 degrees?" ~Craig James .... Very easily, Craig. Ever stood outdoors during a cold game for 3 hours? Lots of cramping. Imagine straining your muscles while playing it. Jagoff.

10:16- Blount bowls over a defender like a pot of weeds. (think about it)

10:17- Jesse Palmer refers to James/Blount as the "1-2 punch." Not the best choice of words, ya hoser.

10:18- Blount goes in on a sweep for a touchdown. Nice turnaround for Blount. Tip of the cap. 30-28 State.

10:19- I see the Jets beat the Bills 19-13.... so sad I missed that one. But thanks to the Bills organization for making the RB situation as clear as the 1999-2008 Broncos. Basic crapshoot on who's getting the points there from week to week. And yes, I'm bitter because I have both on one of my fantasy teams and have not started the correct one more than 50% of the time this season.

10:21- James Rodgers returns the kick all the way out to the 40 yard line. Bigger return than the announcers are showing since the Beavs only have about 30 yards to go to be in FG range again.

10:22- James Rodgers catch on first down for 9 yards. This offense is clicking..... Erin Andrews telling the story of a kids book Chip Kelly read to the team after the first loss. He would have read them The Count of Monte Cristo, but none of them could have paid attention. The 12-pager was more the college athlete's style.

10:23- James Rodgers was wide open and streaking down the field and Canfield juuuuuuuuuuuust missed him.

10:24- Offensive linemen holding hands weirds me out. Not in a homophobic way, but in a "Um, really, why?" way.... if such a way exists.

10:25- Quizz with a nice catch and run on 3rd down to gain the first. Canfield is such a stud right now. Doesn't throw that ball until it's absolutely necessary. Balls of steel right now. He has marbles. (would link to a clip from Major League 2's reference to "marbles" but cannot find one.... gotta move quick here)

10:26- And Canfield finally gets hit while throwing for seemingly the first time in the game.

10:27- Another 3rd down.... And another holy-mother-in-heaven-humping-a-lamb false start. This is ridiculous.

10:28- State finally misses on a 3rd down to bring on the field goal unit.

10:29- Kahut attempting to go 4-4, this would be his longest (45 yards).... monster kick. Well done, son. 33-28 Beavers.

10:30- "What a good football game." ~Craig James (said in a manner which he believes he is the first person to realize this)..... Thanks for that, Craig.

10:31- "Sub him out, give him a blow." ~Craig James.... hehehehehehehehehehehehhe

10:32- I love the QB sweep/WR option. Fun play.

10:33- Lebron's brother is having a game. Takes a sweep around the left and gets past the first wall at the line of scrimmage to find ... nobody else. And he's gone for 52 yards and his third TD.

10:34- Ducks go for 2 and fail on an option. Good open-field tackle by the Beavs. 1 minute and change left in the third and we're at 34-33, Ducks. And we've hit the OVER!!!! Free money, Vegas. You can't just hand us free money like that.

10:35- Beavers get the ball back and are sacked on first down. Ducks have gotten to Canfield on the last few plays. Gotta make some adjustments, Coach Reilly.

10:36- Third and 18 ... nothing going and Canfield runs for a couple yards before folding into the fetal position. At the end of the third we're sitting at 34-33, Ducks, and they'll be getting the ball to start the 4th.

10:39- Am I missing anything by never having seen either of the "Night At the Museum" movies? I lean towards no.

10:40- Don't fuck this up Ginger kid..... short kick. Go back to the cornfields, Hekker.

10:41- Gonna predict a field goal on this drive. 'Bron's Bro runs for 5 on a play that had no room from the start.

10:42- The Ducks are up to nearly 140 yards rushing this half. Well, that happened fast.... also happening fast, the Ducks getting into Beaver territory. Beavers give up an enormous hole (that's what she said... courtesy of the wife) for the Ducks to run through and gain big.

10:43- Jeff Maehl with a catch and move and run. Nice work. Tip of the cap. First and 10 now on the 11.

10:44- Masoli goes nowhere on first down.... Blount gets the carry on 2nd down and takes it down to the 7, bringing up 3rd down. My field goal call is looking good.

10:45- Masoli dodges about 50 guys and loses 4 yards. 4th down and we're looking at a field goal. I am so in tune with this game right now. A complete 6th sense.

10:46- 29 yard field goal gets stopped just as the ball is snapped due to a delay of game and he'll now be forced to nail it from 34 yards... daunting.

10:47- Just ekes through the left upright and Oregon pads the lead to 37-33.

10:48- Might as well pee again.

10:49- I washed my hands, don't worry. Wouldn't want to give myself SARS... er, wait. What's the in vogue illness right now? Oh, swine flu. Yeah, I'm fine.

10:50- Oregon's scored on all 3 drives in the 2nd half. That's got to stop if the Beavs are gonna pull this one off (that's what she said). Quizz takes the carry on first down and basically crawls for 15 yards. Great run.

10:51- 9 to play..... very exciting.

10:52- You can see the breath of the players. Kinda weird to see that during a Pac 10 game.

10:53- James Rodgers makes a GREAT diving catch and gets interfered with in the process for a mammoth gain. Wow. That's a huge play to put the Beavs down to the 22 yard line of Oregon.

10:54- State calls a too-conservative-for-my-tastes play on 2nd down. Simple screen to Quizz where he had 2 guys on him immediately.

10:55- And that's why I didn't like the last playcall... Sacked on 3rd and 8. And State's forced to go for it on 4th and 15.

10:56- Seriously Berman, go away. Die even. Keep eating at Applebees and you just might.

10:56- And this goes without saying, but still, this is a very large 4th down. The way the Ducks are moving this half, you have to assume at least a field goal out of them on their next drive, especially if they're getting the ball near their own 40. What to call here on 4th and 15?... Maybe some sort of pick play for James Rodgers? Although, he's made his money be streaking down the field tonight. I just don't know. But hopefully Reilly does.

10:57- Incomplete pass towards the sideline and Rodgers. Just out of his reach. And the Ducks get the ball back.

10:58- Palmer and Craig are arguing. This is fun.

10:59- Run straight into the line on first down for the Ducks.... Are they trying to just kill the clock here? Why slow down? Keep doing what's working? Chip Kelly is a gambler, I expect something big coming here still..... And Blount takes a carry up the gut for big, big yards. All the way into the Beavers' territory on a 30-yard gain.

11:00- Shot of Tim Clark on the sideline in a wheelchair.... Yeah, gruesome injury.

11:01- The snap nearly went about 30 yards into the backfield, followed by Masoli forcing a throw and almost throwing a pick. 2 major bullets dodged there.

11:02- Blount gets stuffed up the middle on 3rd down. Big call here by Chipchip.

11:03- And Chipchip's gonna take a timeout to talk things over. Good move. 3:29 to go, 4 pt game.... Very exciting.

11:04- The creepy commercial where the female car talks to the guy after he goes to Jared for jewelry. Why the guy doesn't just tell the car to shut up is beyond me. Turn the key off even. Or hand it to a homeless guy as a gift. It's obviously not worth it if she's nagging you.

11:05- And the offense is on the field.... here we go 4th and 3.... Masoli runs right on a broken play, meets a defensive back head on.... and wins. That's the play you're going to see on the highlights of this game. Big play. Congrats J.

11:06- Blount gets tackled for a loss. The Beavers are sending everyone and their brothers into the backfield to prevent the runs.

11:07- Following an Erin Andrews story about Bron's Bro puking and feeling like he got kicked in the stomach by a mule (her words), he re-enters the game and Fowler says "Boot and rally." Is this an ESPN term they use on campus there? I've read books about their crazy parties. Maybe this is the phrase of choice instead of the standard and simple "Puke and rally." ESPN guys... they're so cool. They invent their own phrases.

11:09- 3rd and 16 and the Beavers get Bron's Bro deep in the backfield but he wiggles out and ends up gaining about 13 to get back into field goal range.

11:10- 4th and 2, 1:43 to play.... Oregon timeout. The debate in the booth is whether the Ducks go for it to ice it or take the FG and force the Beavs to score a TD in a minute and a half.... tough call. I kick it. I'm conservative like that. Force them to score a TD. Then you know you cannot lose in regulation.

11:11- They are going for it....and they get it on a fake halfback run, qb sprint left, wr option. And the Ducks should be punching their tickets for Pasadena.

11:13- Final timeout for State. If I'm the Ducks, I maybe kneel it out and then kick a field goal on 4th, by which time there will be no time left.... knowing them, they'll run plays, score a TD and ruin the -9.5 spread.

11:14- QB keeper to the middle of the field. Whew...... 2nd and 13, will be 40 seconds after the snap and that.... will..... do it.

11:15- All told, great game. Fun, fun game. It was everything I'd hoped it would be in the 2 weeks leading up to it. A Beaver win would have been amazing, but a game this good, and it's tough to complain. We'll see Oregon vs ohio state in the Rose Bowl and if I had to guess on the opening line?... Let's say.... it opens at Oregon -4.5.

11:17- Fans rush the field, and that'll do it. It's past my bedtime. Goodnight.

A Pretty, Pretty Good Weekend.

2009-11-18T12:41:00.000-06:00

How good?.... Pretty good.

This was a weekend I had been looking forward to since summer-ish. Or earlier. I lost track because I was so excited for it. 2 big things were in play here: My first time seeing the Toronto Maple Leafs in person and the last UW home football game of the season. Also, they were playing Michigan so it was the last team I needed to see on my tour of Big Ten teams this fall. Also, in the last couple weeks the wife and I decided to invite each of our families to go to the UW-Alaska Anchorage hockey game that Saturday night. So, yeah, lots to gnaw on. Let's get to it.

The shitty thing about this weekend of excellence was that the Leafs game had a 7:30 puck drop in Chicago and the football game had an 11 am kickoff in Madison. Not a lot of wiggle room in there. You may say, "But Hoigaard, really, how early do you have to be in Madison the next day for the game?" Answer? Early. And that's the end of that conversation. But we had a plan to do hockey Friday night, come home and sleep, then hit the road at 5am Saturday. Yes, that's early and it sucks, but if nothing else it gives me a great excuse to get my Venti Non-Fat Carmel Latte from Starbucks.

Sporting my 2XL, blue, "classic-style" leafs jersey and my rundown 10-year old Leafs cap, the wife and I took off for the United Center at 5:45 to deal with the 1 hour drive to go 14 miles in Chicago rush hour traffic and enjoy the game with Stuttering Danny and his fiance. *Note, I am nowhere close to a 2XL, but I got it at a price.... Still, it looks like I'm about 14 years old when I wear the thing and don't have a 5-o'clock shadow on my face. The cap, I realized during the game, I got almost exactly 10 years ago during my frosh year of college when Dante, Chi, and Stuttering Danny came to Minnesota to pay me a visit. I got the cap at a clearance sale @ a store in the Mall of America and I've been wearing it ever since. It's probably my most-worn hat I own. Rough guess? I'd say I've probably worn it 1,000 times since I bought it. Another rough guess? I'd say I've probably washed it once since I bought it. That's love.

(Rough shot of what the blue jersey looks like. Not exact, but you get the gist. Tim Gunn would be a fool to criticize that runway-worth piece)

As the wife and I waited outside the United Center for the other 2 in our group, I was happy and amazed by how many Leafs fans were at the game. I felt so at home knowing my Canadian brethren would be loud and proud with me at this game outside the native land (*Note: I am not actually Canadian). Very warm feeling for my first game.

This is probably a good time to answer the universal question: "Leafs fan? Why?" That's probably in the top 10% of all recurring questions asked of me. Even close friends who've known me for years and years and who have had the story explained to them already before will still pause and be like "Wait, you're a Leafs fan? How did that happen?" The basic short version is that my senior year of high school, my dad was essentially given 2 options at his company which was going through a bit of a financial tizzy: Either take a lay-off and be on your way, or take a transfer to Toronto and when it's reasonable and things settle themselves back out, we will bring you back to the states. However, there is absolutely zero time frame for this, and you may end up in Canada forever. Not wanting to let down the family, my pops took the transfer to Toronto at the start of my last year of high school. My mom and brothers and I took a visit up to see him for a weekend in October of that year and while up there, it really hit me that, yes, even though I would soon be graduating and moving away from the family anyways, there's a real distinct possibility that Toronto would be the new place I would visit if I wanted to see my family in the future. And then I told myself, "Well, let's just dive right into this thing head-first." Luckily, I fell in love with the city that trip so it didn't leave a bad taste in my mouth, and the Leafs were the big thing I took back to the states with me. And I've been a fan ever since. Go Leafs Go.

As we got into the UC, I was mother-humping starving. And since I had a shitty day at work trying to explain to old foreign women how to save something as a "favorite" on Internet Explorer (I'm seething just thinking about this again), I treated myself to a pretzel and a beer. Let me let you in on a little secret: On my travels so far, the United Center has far and away the best food. The pretzel was hot and perfectly salted (not too much, but yet, not barren). The wife got nachos which packed a mighty crunch and became addicting to eat and I ended up putting down half of her allotment. And the hot dogs there. My God, the hot dogs. They aren't any more expensive than at any other venue, but these are thick and juicy, and actually HOT. So good. If you ever find yourself at an event at the United Center in Chicago, do yourself a favor and just eat like you're a malnourished Ethiopian toddler.

Oh, and incase you're curious, the last time I was the United Center was for this. The wife's a fan, and I enjoy doing things that she likes that in turn make her want to reward me with sex. So sue me.

(That's Ryne Sandberg doing the traditional puck-drop. Cubs fan Stuttering Danny excused himself shortly afterwards and disappeared for about 10 minutes. I hope he cleaned up afterwards)

One thing that disappoints me is the Blackhawks intro video was actually so damn cool that I wanted to be able to link to it and show the world, or at least watch it at my own leisure. But for some reason, few (if any) teams (across all sports genres) post their intro videos to their games anywhere online. I find this shocking. In the age of new media and twitter and youtube and facebook clubs for teams, etc, how can you not put your video up? Intro videos actually get quite a bit of buzz after they're shown amongst fans: "Wow, that was cool. Did you see that? What part did you like?" Post them, teams. If you post them, they will watch. But for point of reference, here was their 2008-2009 video.

(Cool points to the 'Hawks for keeping a spotlight on their championship banners during the intro videos and player intros. It's very classy and cool. It's a nice tip of the cap to the team's history, without clinging to it during every waking and breathing moment.... see: Milwaukee Brewers, 1982 team or Chicago Bears, 1986 team as prime examples)

One of everyone's favorite parts of the Blackhawks experience @ the United Center is the National Anthems. A tradition there is to cheer loudly, non-stop through the US anthem. Very cool to see. It was at its best during the Winter Classic in January @ Wrigley Field. Cheering, a fighter-jet flyover, snow. Cool stuff. But me being me, I loved "Oh, Canada" on this night. One of the first things I did after really becoming a Leafs fan was to learn the words to "Oh, Canada." Even though the "Oh, Canada" is played at sporting events (notably, NHL games), when you have such a large number of Canadians in attendance cheering and singing along, it's really cool and overwhelming.

("The true north strong and freeeee....."

("Oh, Canada we stand on guard for theeeeee.")

(To watch the segue from the Canadian to the US anthem)

Our seats had wait service and a great view of the ice. Pretty good seats. Pretty, pretty good. The wife did a marvelous job.

(Lovely seats)

This season has been a massive disappointment so far for the Leafs. They lost their first 8 friggin' games of the season and entered the game in dead last in the Eastern Conference. Everyone realized this was a rebuilding year for the Leafs, but we were hoping it wouldn't be a death march, either. The Leafs made a major trade in the offseason, mortgaging some future to bring in Phil Kessel, which I loved. Kessel and I are sort of kindred souls. Both from the greater Madison, WI area. Both left town to go to the University of Minnesota. Both are awesome professional athletes. But, as good as he is, he is not my favorite Maple Leaf. That would be Tomas Kaberle.

(Tomas Kaberle and the 'Hawks Patrick Kane. Kane is remarkably good and flashy. He most reminds me of the kid from D2: The Mighty Ducks who was from Texas and could dribble the puck with his stick and do all sorts of tricks and maneuvers, etc. When Kane gets moving in the open ice, you will rarely see him lose possession on a poke or anything like that.)

I do like where the Leafs are headed, though. Besides Kaberle and Kessel, I love their new goalie import Jonas "The Monster" Gustavsson, as well as my soon-to-be favorite player Viktor Stalberg when he finally gets to the big club and sees some steady playing time. The plan is in place for this Leafs team. The short-term is frustrating, though.

(NHL 94/95 for Sega, anyone?)

Oh, and to answer the question of 99.5% of the world's population: Yes, the term "Maple Leafs" is correct. They are not named after the actual leaves that fall from maple trees, but rather: "The Maple Leafs say that the name was chosen in honour of the Maple Leaf Regiment from World War I. As the regiment is a proper noun, its plural is formed by adding a simple 's' creating Maple Leafs (not *Maple Leaves)." (Tip of the cap to Wikipedia for simplifying the story).

The game got off to a quick start, with the Kane scoring unassisted on a monster slapshot just over 3 minutes into the game. That prompted the Blackhawks' goal-scoring music, which is actually cool. Since in my downtime of not watching the Leafs, I happen to follow the 'Hawks closely, I'm used to it and it didn't annoy me like it likely annoys most opposing fans. But, I can be an unbiased observer and admit that, yes, I can see how it would make one spew hatred towards a team if you heard that song over and over and over again....

Which is where the game looked like it was going early on. The Blackhawks got 2 goals in the first and scored 5 minutes into the 2nd for a 3-0 lead. By this point I had gone from wanting the Leafs to win my first game to see them play, to rather just please for the love of Mats Sundin let the Leafs score a damn goal. Luckily, Phil Kessel heard my internal wailings and put Toronto on the board with just over 2 minutes remaining in the 2nd and we headed to the 3rd period with a 3-1 game.

During the 2nd intermission, the 'Hawks always have some select fans come down, along with some sort of local or national celebrity to do a skills challenge shot-on-goal thing. The celebrity for the night was Ravi Baichwal, who happens to be a news anchor for the ABC affiliate here in Chicago. And, as it were, a native Canadian. Stand on guard, brother, stand on guard. The general template for how the 'Hawks pick their shooters for this is: Celebrity, a young boy, 2 white dads, and an attractive young woman wearing not nearly enough clothes to keep warm on the ice and nothing that shows any sort of team support. Nobody made their shots, so the intermission was not all that exciting.

(Ravi. I'm proud to know him as a Canadian, but I'll always remember him better for this....)

Kessel put up another goal 5 and a half minutes into the third period to pull the score to 3-2, but the Leafs could never quite put another threat together and tie the score. The final period was completely dominated by Toronto, but they could only muster 1 goal out of it, and even when they pulled their goalie (euphemism!!!), they couldn't even muster up a shot on goal for the final minute and a half. But the excitement of my first Leafs game and the fact that they made it pretty close kept me on the edge of my seat the entire third period. Literally. We had seats in the last row of our section so I could sit on the edge of my seat in its upright position (basically standing) and not bother anyone behind us. It was very nice. Couldn't ask for more out of my first experience. Well, I could ask for more, actually. The fuckers could have won. But yeah, pretty good night.... Pretty, pretty good.

As a post-script, the stadium post-game was still filled with Leafs fans. Just hanging out finishing their beers, cheering for no reason, threatening to have intercourse with guys' mothers, swearing, talking in thick accents, etc. It's what I felt like a county fair in Ottawa would be like, if there are county fairs in Canada. Are there? Seems like a reasonable question.

(Also, we saw a fight.)

Pre-blog intermission song for you. I actually like this one better than Andrew Gold's original. Mostly for the late near-acapella crescendo.
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After 4ish hours of sleep Friday night after the Leafs/'Hawks game, it was a rise-and-shine morning as we were heading up to Madison for an 11am kickoff for the game between the Badgers and the Michigan Wolverines. Technically there was no "shine" in the rise and shine. It's pitch black at 5am. The wife took her time waking up and getting out of bed and getting ready and packing, but we still managed to make it out of the house at a decent time and get to Madison in plenty of time for festivities. I should say this about the wife, though: when I say she took her time, it's not like she takes 2 hours to get ready or anything along those lines that you hear about so often with women and prepping, etc. But, I can be up, showered, bags packed and loaded into the car in roughly 19 minutes start to finish if need be. This is why I have the luxury of sleeping in longer than her. Sometimes in the mornings I don't think her foggy brain grasps this concept that just because I'm still sleeping in, she can too. Doesn't make me mad, just a husbandly observation.

We were quite possibly the first people in Starbucks that morning and luckily my favorite barista was mixing drinks that morning. I always pray I get her on my "Starbucks Fridays" on my way to work. This prompted a discussion with the wife: Is it reasonable/ethical to request to have a specific barista make a drink for you? Like, if my favorite coffee mixologist is working the counter taking money, am I within my right to request that she switch spots with another employee so she can be the one to make my drink? Or is that upsetting the workflow? The wife worked in a coffee shop for many years and actually had no idea how to answer. Anyone have thoughts on the matter?

With my Venti Non-Fat Carmel Latte in hand, we hit the road and made immaculate time. Stopping only in Beloit, WI (not my hometown.... I'm better than that. Yeah, I said it about Beloit. It's such a hole) to gas up and drop the dog off with my dad so he could take her for the day, we made it to Madison in just a smidgen over 2 hours.

We had to wake up our group at Capto's house and get them fired up for some pre-gaming. The wife carried my ass in beer pong that morning. I just was not on. I have my moments, but that morning was not one of them. Beer pong is also not my best game. Washers? Yes, I can handle washers. I am quite good. And I can occasionally kick ass and take names in flipcup. But beer pong? Very hit and miss. I blame my height. It's tough to get a good angle on the shots when you're so short. All my throws inevitably come in flat and like line-drives. No downward drop. It's a tall man's game. I'm nothing like these guys. Pfffff, losers. Go to class.

Our friend Creepy Kenny decided to make a fashion statement on this day. For some reason he thought it appropriate to wear women's jeans. They may have been men's, but if they were, they were the most feminine jeans I've ever seen on a male. And I have many metro/homosexual friends, so, ya know, I'm obviously an expert. But yeah, he's single, ladies. And you can double your wardrobe by dating him. Oh, and the wife also did her first keg stand of her life during the festivities. No photos will be displayed of that, though. Sorry. But she did well. 11ish whole seconds, which is the equivalent of beating a 3-year old in tennis.

We made the trek to Camp Randall Stadium, enjoying the reasonably nice weather. I love how nice this autumn has been. 50's every day. Pretty good. Pretty, pretty, pretty good. Upon entering the stadium, this was our view going to our seats:

(Nice)

(View from our actual seats. It's nice having a wife who knows people)

Let me take this moment, before I forget, to provide a defense of Rich Rodriguez. The guy is in his second season on the job. His first year was a struggle because he was a late hire and did not have any of his players in place. This year is his first year with a recruiting class and they're all going through the first year learning curve. They started this year hot, which raised people's expectations too far. If you give RichRod one more year, that should be sufficient. Give him one more year, put the number at 8 regular season wins plus be competitive in a bowl game. If he doesn't achieve those standards, then I would say a dismissal is justified. But come on. He has legit reasons for underachieving the last 2 years, and deserves one season to put all the pieces together. I mean, come on.

(Say what you want about the guy, but he deserves a fair shake.)

The game was utter domination by the Wisconsin offense. Michigan kept the game close through the first half, but the Wisconsin offense moved the ball at will throughout the game. Scott Tolzien ended up with 5 tds on his own (4 passing, 1 rush) and John Clay was all like "Hey, you wanna stop me? Stop this, cockbags!" And then he would start kicking ass and taking names Steven Seagal-style like in Under Siege (also starring Tommy Lee Jones, one of my guilty pleasure favorite actors). All in all, Wisconsin's performance this day was pretty good. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.

(This is the closest I've ever been in proximity to anyone named Zoltan. Top 1000 random observation in my life? Top 1000 random observation in my life.)

If you've read my blog regularly (and I know all 14 of you have), you know my thoughts on how important an out-of-town scoreboard is to the fan experience, and Camp Randall has far and away the best one in any stadium I've been to. It's well-located, clearly visible, constantly-updated, includes all pertinent teams, etc. It's... just.... it's the bee's knees.

(Look at that beauty on the bottom of the main scoreboard. Scores, out-of-conference teams, individual player performances... Thank you, UW.)

Our seats were actually right in the heart of Michigan's travel party, which was interesting. I've never really had an issue with Michigan or their fans. This year they were especially quiet and respectful, which may have had something to do with the fact that they were 5-5 coming into the game and facing 2 of the top teams in the conference to close out the season, thus likely missing out on a bowl game for the 2nd straight season, which hasn't happened seemingly since Lincoln freed the slaves. But yeah, that'll kinda shut you up as a fan.

The great thing about close seats is being able to observe the minutiae of the sideline goings-on. Things like:

(Tate Forcier looking frustrated while warming up... and....)

(Zoltan Mesko doing weird, never-before-seen-in-North-America stretches... and...)

(Youngest NCAA Division 1 asst. coach in the history of the world, or some coach's tag-along kid?)

The guy next to us in our packed-in seats was some portly old dude from Cuba City, WI. When the wife was away from the seat, we struck up a conversation. He liked the fact that I was from Monroe and then chuckled about his wife shopping there all the time. When I was away from the seats later, he asked the wife where the Wal-Mart was in Monroe. If there's ever a question to sum up living in small-town Wisconsin, I think we've nailed it.... "Hey, where, uh, where is the Wal-Mart in Monroe, there?"

Late in the game I was heading out to take a piss and saw the Tuba section lining up in the concourse. I love the Tuba march because it's just so simple and Tubas are fun to listen to. And say. Tuba. Tuuuuuba. Tubatubatuba. Anyways, I snapped a photo without looking too closely at the time....

(In the middle, you'll notice a guy wearing a suit. Apparently after I left they taped the words "Marry Me, Kayla" on the tubas. As they marched around the stadium, each section they went to the crowd roared but you couldn't really tell why until they got near enough for you to read it. When they finally got back down to the student section, they turned and faced them/the rest of the band and the crowd roared. All of a sudden, the guy in the suit somehow made it all the way around to the back of the band's seats and ran down an aisle and proposed to who I assume is Kayla... eeeks, hope it was her.... and she said yes and everyone cheered and it was happy happy happyhappyhappy. All told, I'll give credit. Well done, Tuba guy. That's clever, well thought-out, and came together perfectly. As my sister-law-texted the wife, "That was so cute I want to puke." Poignant. And accurate.)

The game ended and we made our way to the in-laws' car for some post-game tailgating. After some chatting and relaxing, we went out to dinner and then headed to the Kohl Center for the UW vs Alaska-Anchorage men's hockey game.

Song to get you through the 2nd intermission of the blog post. Love this song. Love it, love it, love it. Those who know me know I have a weird soft spot for quirky songs that remind you of a roller-skating party in the 70's/early 80's (songs like Luscious Jackson's "Here," Paul Oakenfold's "Starry-Eyed Suprise," Fun Lovin' Criminals "Loco" or "Bump" or "Love Unlimited", Philosopher Kings "SuperSex 69" or "Hurts To Love You." etc.... Feel free to look those up and enjoy). This is the latest addition to my arsenal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Red Man!!!!.... can't go a whole weekend without seeing a spawn of Greenman(!) can we? This guy had the character down, though. His movements were impeccable. Well done, guy)

The third and final leg of the weekend sporting triathlon was the UW/Alaska-Anchorage men's hockey game. The wife got 4 decent seats from people she knows and we gave those seats to each of our parents. My mom has relatives who live in Anchorage and she's been there a few times and has gone to hockey games there, so she always enjoys seeing the Seawolves when they come to town. The wife, her sister and I got some cheapie tickets for the upper tank and sat there to start the game. Actually, despite the high level, the view was pretty good.

(Neat photo. I'm proud of myself for this one)

Thankfully we moved down near the parents in the 2nd period because there were open seats there. I've become a huuuuuge seat snob at sporting events in the last few years. I just can't tolerate bad seats for a "regular" game. If it's a huge marquee game, then I'm happy to just be in the building. But if it's a standard game, I need nice seats to enjoy it. Otherwise I'm just miserable. An incomplete list of things I'm snobby about?

1) Seats at a sporting event

2) Coffee/Coffee drinks

3) Pop Culture knowledge

4) Non-mainstream hiphop/rap music

(Ahhh... much better)

I liked the fact that during multiple intermissions of the hockey game they played Oasis' "The Shock of The Lightning," which most people remember from car commercials in recent months. I don't care what's become of the band or what people think of their work after "What's The Story....?," Oasis is badass. End of story. I will always be a fan and will always buy any music the Gallagher brothers produce.

The game itself was a massacre. The Badgers won 6-2, but probably could have put up 10 if they had scored on power plays. They went 0-8 on their power play attempts and still scored 6 goals. Insane-o. The old guy at hockey games who leads the "1-2-3, We want more!" cheers really got a workout Saturday night. And everyone in the crowd won free ice cream from Culver's because the Badgers scored 5 goals. Huzzah! My parents went to the nearest Culver's post-game and said the line was about 30 cars deep. I don't need ice cream that badly. Unless it's cookies and cream for free. In that case, I'd bike to Duluth, MN.

I also am always intrigued by the student section cheers at hockey games. The UW student section does a pretty good job. They maintain a steady chant during power plays, have a handful of one-off jeers they do at the opposing goalie and are actually pretty well-behaved. But I think my time at Minnesota kicked the holy shit out of any other student sections. I know everyone thinks that about their experiences being better than others, but I think this is true. Like, WI says "Thank you" after the PA announcer says "1 minute remaining in the period." But at Minnesota, we had a full-on dialogue with the PA guy. With 1:02 remaining, we'd go "Hey Jamie, how much time's left?" and then he'd respond with "1 minute remaining in the period." And we'd say "Thank you, Jamie!" and then he'd respond to that in various ways:

"My pleasure."

"Anything for you guys."

"Just doing my job."

"You're just too kind."

Ya know, things like that. Plus we had songs that we'd sing, other random cheers with the crowd like Min-ne-so-ta, and the student section was always "neeeeeeeee." Sounds stupid, until you're drunk and surrounded by 4,000 other 21-year olds all screaming "neeeeeeeeee" in the deepest voice they can muster. Plus @ Minnesota since there are multiple schools in the WCHA that play the Gophs each year, it's always fun to chant "Gopher Rejects" at them since they're going to smaller, shittier schools in Minnesota because they weren't good enough to go to the U. Always classy.

The best part, though, of any UW hockey experience is the mini-hockey game that happens during the 2nd intermission. They take 2 youth teams, usually in the 6-7 year-old age group, and let them go crazy on the ice. In the past the action was set to "Linus and Lucy," which adds about 1,045, 947, 393 cool points to the experience. This game (or year), they switched it to some shit-tastic dance music. Not cool, UW. Not cool. There are few things more fun and relaxing than watching 20 6-year olds skate slowly after a puck and fall down, all set to Snoopy music. Very disappointing to see that go.

(The mini-hockey kids)

(Inevitably during every mini-hockey game, the puck stays at one end for 96% of the time and one goalie ends up standing by himself for about 7 minutes. But, also inevitably during every mini-hockey game, there is one breakaway for a kid and the crowd loses their minds as he skates towards the goal. During this game, the kid made the shot and everyone was happy.)

(Final line score from the game... eeeeeeeekkkkksssss...)

With about 3 minutes left in the game, the long couple of days really hit me. I needed to sleep asap. So after the game, we headed to my family's home, and I was asleep within 28 seconds of my head hitting the pillow. All in all, a fun yet exhausting couple of days.

As a post-script, when I woke up on Sunday morning, I opened up the laptop, the a few bucks on a 4-team NFL parlay and then a couple more bucks on a 9-team NFL parlay, and didn't think much of it until 2:30 when I checked back in. I hit my first 4-team parlay to win a cool $100. A couple hours later I checked again and realized, "Holy MotherboyXXX, I just hit the first 8 games of this 9-teamer...." and then I blacked out for about 10 minutes. I came to in time to call one of my friends to hedge my bet on the last game, which I'm glad I did, because the Colts didn't cover. So I missed the big payoff from the parlay, but by hedging the bet, I was still able to make another $100 on the day. Very exciting. So, let that be the lasting lesson: Always hedge your bets. Which is basically what the 2 Badger games were for my experience for the weekend. Since the Leafs lost, the 2 UW games hedged the pain a little bit and turned the weekend into something pretty good. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.

My Maiden Voyage to Bloomington, IN

2009-11-09T21:50:00.001-06:00

I had 2 teams left to see on the Big Ten In-Person challenge: Indiana & Michigan. As it worked out, I would see them back to back weekends against Wisconsin to kick off November. With the wife and my buddy Stuttering Danny (*Note, Stuttering Danny does not actually stutter... except that one time) in tow, we made our way down on Friday night.

We stayed at the Ramada near the Indianapolis Airport on Friday night to cut the drive time down on Saturday morning. The wife and I got a room and Danny booked his own room. Problem was, Danny apparently never learned how to tell time, dates, etc because he had booked his room for a night in December. Scary potential-rapist hotel clerk Larry asked if he'd be back to join them in December and Danny told them no. Thankfully it all worked out and Danny actually got a rate lower than what he booked it for. But scary potential-rapist hotel clerk Larry managed to still ruin his night by calling his room 10 minutes after he got in to make sure there was nobody else in the room already. You'd think you'd have that information available to you when you assigned a room.... (post-script: Danny was not raped that night by hotel clerk Larry).

Memorial Stadium in Bloomington is relatively easy to find and access. Less than an hour's drive from Indy and only a couple short turns once you reach the city, the stadium has plenty of available parking (it helps that only 9,000 people attend games... *Note: That number may not factually correct*). We arrived in plenty of time to put down some pre-game drinks with a few of the wife's friends. The tailgating scene at Memorial Stadium is rather cool. They have gravel parking lots on one side of the stadium where we saw plenty of Wisconsin fans gathering and partying it up. On the opposite side of the stadium, where we were, there are paved parking lots and a beautiful grassy, tree-filled area where fans tailgate. It's really pleasant, for lack of a better, less-old-ladyish word:

(Photo 1. Nice wide-range view... but there's plenty more than what's pictured)

(Photo 2. See, doesn't this look like something you'd like to do on a weekly basis?... I would. And all I care about is football and booze, but this still satisfies the hunger for... something.)

Some schools you'll find have one or 2 notable alumni that people are waaaaaay too fond of. Like, there's an unnecessary amount of love and pride towards certain people. Like, if you're talking to someone from that school, not 10 minutes will go by without them mentioning, "Hey, did you know _______ went to _____? Yeah, pretty cool that he's/she's one of us."

Purdue has Neil Armstrong/Drew Brees.

Northwestern has Michael Wilbon and half of the famous actors in Hollywood.

Michigan has Tom Brady (and for a few weeks in the summer of 2008, they were proud to claim Michael Phelps as their own)

Illinois has Roger Ebert.

Michigan State has Magic Johnson (or Plaxico Burress, or Charles Rogers, or Tony Mandarich, I guess).

Indiana?.... Indiana has this:

(Little ditty, 'bout Promotions & Marketing. 2 Departments ... along with Media Re-la-tions. Promotions gonna get, the fans in the seeeeattts. Media Relations said "that's great Promos, now go beat your meat. ..... Oh yeah, life goes ooonnn, long after the thrill of livin' is gone.)

Of course, option 2 is this goof.

Ok, he probably counts too (I still absolutely love this and would love to have it as my alarm wake-up tone).

After putting down a 12-pack in an hour and a half or so, Danny and I started our walk towards the stadium. There was this section of corporate-sponsored tailgating festivities near the area where we were hanging out. At one point I looked over out of the corner of my eye and go "Why is there a picture of Che Guevera on top of that tent?" As we got closer, we realized it was the Geico caveman. But, you be the judge:

Or.....

(Anyone else see the resemblance? I'm not fucking crazy. And I'm not a Cuban Revolutionary...)

The actual stadium itself is pretty nice. They had some work done on it last off-season, updating the north endzone, and it shows. It's got a quasi-NFL-style stadium feel to it in the north endzone. Of course, I had never been there before and have nothing to use as a reference point, but all told, it's a very well put-together and friendly stadium.

(North endzone)

(Wider angle....and that's about all the fans you'd see in that area through the course of the day)

Indiana is obviously a basketball school, so to expect the place to be sold out on a regular basis is asking a lot. You could have 10 straight years of an Antwaan Randle El / Vaughn Dunbar combo playing at their apex and you still probably wouldn't sell out more than once or twice a year. It's just fact. It's law. It's life.

As is tradition for me, I try to sample a Big Pretzel at every game I go to. Lately I've been sluffing off, but I managed to get one at Memorial Stadium, and take a look at this:

(Huge, huge pretzel. Totally worth the $4ish. The size and taste were epic. No complaints there. But the temperature left something to be desired. I'm pretty sure they were cooked up the night before and then just left sitting in the 60 degree sun during the morning with the idea of "eh, it'll be warm enough. Nobody will notice.")

Speaking of the weather, it was near 70 degrees during the day. November 7. In the Midwest. It's a littttttle warmer than I like my weather (60, overcast, crisp 5-10mph wind = Hoigaard weather), but I'll take it. Mother Nature, you are a wonderful, sassy tart.

Another cool thing about Memorial Stadium is a mini-football field in the South endzone where they just let kids run amuck during the game. There are so many opportunities for balls flying on the field (they did), and stuff like this to happen.

(This was early in the game. From mid-way through the first quarter until the end of regulation there were about 200 kids on the field at any given time. Mass hysteria. Lots of crying. 2 guns were confiscated. A knife fight broke out at midfield)

(Before I forget, this is the infamous "Rock" that you hear Bill Lynch reference in these commercials)

Danny's pops hooked us up with some seats through the alumni association, so it was nice to be surrounded by Badger fans. You don't often get that vibe at an away game. In the section right next to us there was a group of college kids there on a drunken bus trip. Which is great. I encourage this. College revelry and road-tripping, awesome. But, when you're spending the entire 2nd half of a 3-pt game singing techno songs and dancing and not having any idea of what's going on, then you need to re-assess. I mean, you can get retarded drunk at home. Why spend the time and money to go to Bloomington to do it and then not pay any attention to the game? Maybe I'm just old and crusty now. Whatever. I like to think you can balance complete belligerent booze consumption and basic understanding of game status. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe the kids these days can only handle one at a time. Eh, whatever.

Speaking of traveling to the game. This group really puts my whole "See every Big Ten team this fall" thing to shame:

(Tip of the cap. Well played)

Memorial Stadium also has a pretty good scoreboard, comparatively to the rest of the places I've seen. They've got a replay board, all the pertinent information, and an up-to-the-second yardage breakdown, which I always like. The only negative? No out of town scoreboard. People in positions of power at Universities, how many times do I have to say this?... In this day and age, there is no reason for a school to not have an out of town scoreboard. Christ, even Northwestern has one, and they can only allow 20 people in the stadium to use the restroom at any given time. All it takes is a small ribbon-board, put it above the top row of one of the endzones or corners, and then hire some over-eager student to plug scores in. Not hard. Real simple. Do it.

(Said scoreboard)

Bucky looked good for a half. The first half was utter domination. UW had 300+ yards in the first 30 minutes and it looked like we'd all be back in the parking lot by mid-way through the 4th. But the John Clay injury seemed to really mess with the UW gameplan in the 2nd half (yes Montee Ball played like a stud, but it was a different feel to the game in the 2nd, especially defensively), and IU chipped away and ended up with over 300 yards passing on their own, only losing by 3. A couple players that really had me impressed when it was over were Chris Borland for UW (not the first time I've nodded my head in approval for him) and Tandon Doss for IU. I can see Borland morphing into an Andy Katzenmoyer-type collegiate style player when all is said and done (say what you want about Katz's pro career, but he was the most feared college player in universe in his glory days at that shitty school which I will not mention). Borland should be a pre-season All-Big Ten pick next season and then the sky's the limit from there. He had an interception in this game that was giggle-worthy. Very athletic play. And Doss is just a sick receiver. I've seen him on TV a couple times already, but seeing him live is really impressive. He's got wheels, he's got great hands, seems to always be open (leads me to believe he's a good route-runner as well). He's what A.Benn should be @ Illinois if anyone could throw him the ball. See, you can be a productive WR on a shitty team. You just need a QB who can throw half-respectably and a playbook that has more than Play 1: Deep Pass, Play 2: QB Scramble. Indiana may struggle for the forseeable future, but damn if their offense isn't entertaining to watch when they're clicking. Which is weird, because coming into the season, their defense (and D-Line especially) was supposed to be their money-maker, and their offense was a question mark after the dismissal of Kellen Lewis (QB). But they've acclimated themselves quite well throughout the year and have become "a mediocre team with occasional upset-potential" rather than the anticipated "pure drivel."

And with that, I think the cheerleaders sum it up best:

(Beer!)

Next up, a potential triple-header this weekend: Maple Leafs @ Blackhawks Friday night (my first time seeing my Leafs in-person. Yes, they suck, but I'm as excited as a pig in shit), Michigan @ Wisconsin football Saturday morning, and then Alaska-Anchorage @ Wisconsin Men's hockey Saturday night. I may be in line for a 20,000-word post after a weekend full of travel and little sleep. I'm terrified.

Quick Hitter: Penn State @ Northwestern

2009-11-09T19:27:00.001-06:00

Trying to find the time to write this in between the World Series and other goings-on is tough this week, so I'm resorting to something this blog is not supposed to do: A quick recap. If I get on a roll and give unnecessary details on some topics, so be it, but here is a quick summary of my trip across town to see Penn State @ Northwestern on October 31:

The wife and I headed to the stadium a couple hours before the game, hopping on the El (Purple Line) and exiting at the Central St stop. It's about a 5 minute walk from the train so traveling to the stadium from basically anywhere in Chicago is a cinch.

As we're walking around the stadium after arriving, I look immediately to my left and stare at this woman about 6 feet from me as she walks by. The wife had gotten a bit ahead of me because I stopped so she turned around and asked what I was doing. My answer (to paraphrase): "Is that Meredith Viera? I mean, it looks EXACTLY like her... but nothing like her at the same time. This woman is rail-thin (probably 110 lbs), tiny (maybe 5'2"), and her face looks like a catcher's mitt (seriously, old)." We looked at this woman for probably 10 straight seconds, coming away 95% sure it was her, but could not figure out why in the hell she was at the game (we googled her on the blackberry and could not find any connection she had to either school). Turns out, it WAS her because her son goes to NU. And to add to it, she shared a luxury box that game with Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson (not seen in person, but shown on the replay board during the game). Why I did not get a picture of Meredith Viera/Meredith Viera's doppelganger, I will never know, but to this second I regret it. I actually wish I had pulled a "Meredith!..... (did she look?)" thing like Stewie and Brian did with Tom Bosley (sorry for the video quality. Tough one to find).

(Now imagine her 5'2, 110 lbs, and not caked in TV makeup and soft-lighting. I'm not saying she reminds me of one of my hillbilly aunts, but she's certainly a weeeeeee bit different than this in person)

We got there early because the Northwestern Athletic Facebook page had a promotion in the couple weeks leading up called "Purple Party" or something crazy like that, where if they gained 5,000 fans on Facebook, legendary northwestern running back Darnell Autry would allow his entire body to be painted in purple for the game. When I signed up just a few days before, they were only around 2300 or so fans. But the group ended up getting their 5,000th fan on Thursday I believe, so Darnell Autry (a man of his word) allowed himself to be painted for the masses:

(The 5,000th fan was supposed to have the right to do the actual painting, but I think they said that fan actually lived in like Arizona or some foreign land, so they allowed the 5,001st fan to do the painting)

(Incase you're curious, Darnell Autry is in his mid-30's, probably hasn't played a down of football in nearly 10 years, and could still kick the ass of 95% of people I claim as friends. There's a little front porch developing there, no doubt about that, but he's still rocking the athlete body. If only second-rate, midget high school athletes could look like that when they hit their 30's....)

The actual painting portion took place in this area called "Wildcat Alley," which NU sets up before every home game. It takes place on this grassy area between the football stadium, the softball field, the baseball field, and the football practice field. In this area, fans mingle, athletes from other sports walk around and chat with fans, the Big Ten title trophys and other awards are on display to be photographed with, lots of games and things for kids, etc.... Oh.... and.... Free Mother F'ing Beer. Free. Complete, no-strings-attached, glorious, local, FREE beer. Goose Island Brewery, one of Chicago's biggest and best, sponsors a huge tent where you literally walk up, show your ID, and then you are given 2 tickets to go into the tent and sample 2 beers. They have 3 or 4 varieties there to choose from and you can drink any two that you like (or 2 of the same, doesn't matter. I prefer either 312 or Honker's Ale. But it doesn't matter because they're all good because it's not cheap, shitty beer, and, because again, it's hump-tastically FREE. And it's not those shitty little mini-plastic cups that allegedly hold 12 oz but they end up holding like 8-10oz. No, folks, this is the real shit. Like 16 oz cups. And if you get one with too much head, they'll top it for you. And the great thing is, if you get there within like the final 30ish minutes before kickoff, it's such a clusterfuck and people milling about and the vendors are trying to just get rid of the beer that nobody realllllly watches how much you take. Anyone with half a sense of slyness could swipe 20 beers if they wanted. It's an immaculate scene. I'm shocked that homeless drunkards don't just come to get a buzz on before going back to sleeping under the tracks. If you go to a Northwestern game sometime, Wildcat Alley and the Goose Island Beer Sampler MUST be your #1 priority. No questions.

On our way into the stadium after developing a solid 30oz beer buzz, we realize we're standing right behind the men's and women's basketball teams. Another cool thing about NU football games. It's such a small-community atmosphere that all the players and coaches (Bill Carmody was just chilling, looking skinnier than normal, rocking some aviator glasses, which I am disappointed I did not photograph) for sports are so accessible at games. If you're an NU fan, you absolutely get more access to players and coaches than any other school I've come across. They're really on the right track about catering to the fans at NU... Now if they could just come up with ways to gain MORE fans....

Since it was Halloween, we got to see lots of little kids running around with their costumes on. Very cute. Almost makes me want to have kids. Almost. But I'd rather not be forced to continue to work a shitty job I hate to support a family. Yes, I come first. Me. When I get a job that tickles me pink, we'll start pumping out the Camerons, Daytons, ZJs, Phelans, Ellas, etcs of the world.... Anywhooooooooo. None of the children could match the obvious winner of every costume contest in the world:

(Purple Man!!!!)

Our seats were quite nice for the game. Right in the dead heart of NU superfans (they exist! For reals!!). I like Northwestern. Always have had a soft spot for them. The fans are a wide variety of breeds, though. You'll find your occasional serious, self-respecting fan who knows their shit, and since they're of NU descent, they're obviously non-football intelligent too, so listening to them during games isn't too bad. But a vast number of fans at NU games are like these people:

(Won't wear school colors to save their lives. Gotta wear long coats, button-down shirts, isotoner gloves, khaki pants...... khaki-fucking-pants... at a college football game.... Come ON!!! Also, if you look closely at the area with the Gatorade containers, you'll see a kid wearing a purple windbreaker. That's Coach Fitz's kid. He dressed up like his dad for Halloween and stood by the Gatorade buckets during the game. He had the windbreaker, headseat, sunglasses, play chart dangling from his hip... the works. Well done. Also, Coach Fitz is probably my favorite NCAA coach in America. When he talks, you can't help but want to jump out of your seat and play some football and go to battle for the man ... and I'm just a nothing. Once he really starts getting his players in there and establishes a track record of more than 3ish years, they could be a perennial 8-10 win team. Since I mentioned it, my favorite NCAA football head coaches, in no particular order at the moment: Fitz, Lane Kiffin, Pete Carroll, Danny Hope, Steve Sarkisian.... Not at the top of the list: This guy. Anyway, sorry about writing for such a long time in italics. I hate reading long passages in italics, so I can only imagine others do too. You'd think I'd just stop. I guess I could now. I mean, I've said what I needed to say, and I've already apologized for the italics so there's no need to continue writing with them. So, enough.)

(Obligatory shot of game action from the seats)

(Little-known fact: the building behind the stands is the first place the wife and I lived together. Lived there for one year after moving to the Chicago area. Cost far more than it should have, but the environment was pretty sweet)

The game itself was about what we expected and I didn't bother to take notes. NU kept it reasonably close, but Penn State was far too much to overcome late. Once Mike Kafka got knocked out of the game and was replaced by Dan "I'm listed at 6'1" only because I came in wearing cowboy boots on measuring day" Persa, the offense for NU couldn't do a lick. Penn State was who we thought they were, and I cannot believe they did not roll through the season. Pretty disappointing, actually. All the weapons were there, but they didn't show up in the games that mattered.

One quick thing about Ryan Field: The vantage points are great and there's not a bad seat in the house, but they need to do some serious renovations and updating for that place. At halftime the lines for the bathrooms (Men's!!!) were each about 100+ guys deep. This is ridiculous. There's no excuse for a stadium that seats 40-50K to have like 8 total men's bathrooms, each holding no more than 8-10 urinals. It's really unacceptable. Updating restrooms is one of the easiest things you can do to a stadium. Spend the money. Fix it up. Make the place more accessible. There, I've said my peace. And no, this has nothing to do with the fact that I had to hold my pee so long at halftime waiting in line that I basically killed any chance of having a child in the next 10 years.

Not much else to really say about the game, but this is the lasting image I have from the game:

(NU's kicker/punter Stefan Demos, just chilling, talking to anyone who will hold a conversation. Here, it's with a security officer. Other times we spotted him chatting up their football S.I.D., Fitz's kid, the sideline reporter, a leprechaun, 2 porn stars, a hot dog vendor, and a horse. *Note, not all of those are the truth*)

Last Week = Best Game Ever? This Week = Worst Game Ever?

2009-10-26T21:08:00.000-05:00

Fresh off the heels of last week's upset of a lifetime in seeing Purdue knock off osu, I convinced a couple buddies of mine to make the trek to West Lafayette again to see the Boilers take on Illinois. I promised there would be plenty of booze involved, so that helped. Plus the Badgers were on a bye, so they weren't worried about missing anything of immediate rooting interest. Although not an ideal and marquee matchup, this was my only chance to see the Illini this season, so after this week all I would have left are Northwestern, Penn State, Indiana, and Michigan. As it turns out, there is/was really no reason to see the Illini this season. Terrible team, terrible coach. They are certainly a far cry from their Rose Bowl season (undeserved), and despite what the main football page at the official Big Ten website says, J Leman has not played there in nearly 2 seasons.

So Trav and I left Chicago just before 7am, poised to meet Dr Pete in Lafayette at 10am (local time). The wife made Trav and I a carmel latte and coffee for the road (wanna guess which one I had?). Once we got within an hour of Lafayette, Trav's coffee travel mug made for a great beer mug. We met Dr right at 10 and used the bathroom in our hotel's lobby quickly (lattes.... they get you every time) and then made our way down to towards the campus and Ross-Ade Stadium. We were set up and ready to tailgate by 10:30. The pre-gaming consisted of Miller products, fantasy football talk (change your damn lineups, people), and pumpkin cookies (thanks wife!). The rain had stopped just before we got there, but it was windy as all hell and only 40ish degrees to start with, so it wasn't pleasant. That's where the beer comes in handy. After an hour+ of tailgating, we were warm enough and happy enough to head towards the stadium to watch 2 teams with a combined 3 wins on the season battle it out.

On the walk there, Trav wanted to try and find a clothing stand to grab a stocking cap for his bald head (he's a shaver). We find a stand that offers headbands and I try to encourage him to buy it, but he reminds me that a headband will do very little for a guy with a cleanly-shorn scalp. It took him about 3 attempts at explaining this before I caught on. I guess those of us that just go grey early don't think about things like that.

Our big mission was talking to scalpers to get into the game. The phrase we used about 10 times in 10 minutes of negotiating on the walk there with scalpers was "...for THIS game?" As in:
"How much for 3?"
"Section ____, $35 apiece."
"For THIS game?" Then we'd giggle and keep walking. Eventually we got within 100 feet of the stadium, the game was kicking off. A guy offered us 3 for 30 apiece. I said no and started to walk away. He then asked "how much are you looking to spend?" I told him we'd pay 20 and he said fine. Face value 45, paid 20, we win.

But, sadly, we didn't even need tickets. When we got to the gate, I walked right in without getting checked. I literally turned around once I was inside and said to the guy, "Oh, here's my ticket." The 80-year old ticket-taker was not on his game. But, wish I had known that going in. I could have not only gotten in for free, but I could have also, like at Iowa State, snuck in the Dwight Schrute Spud gun.

Needless to say, the crowd for this game... not quiiiiiiite as strong as the big osu game last week.

(This was the bulk of the student section... Whatever, it's Illinois.)

To make the game interesting, the 3 of us had a couple "luck of the draw" bets on the game for post-game drinks. Since the line was Purdue by 11, we had 3 different scenarios in bet 1: Purdue by 11 or more, Purdue by 1-10 pts, or Illinois to win outright. Due to the draw, I ended up with Illinois to win outright. Turds. We also each took guesses on the over/under after the first quarter. I did not win that one, either. Bad news for the wallet. I ended up buying the guys Boilermakers (whiskey in beer) at the hotel bar later that night, and they charged me like $13 apiece. Hotel prices. Loooooove it.

Speaking of bets, my free money bet of the day was UNLV over New Mexico (minus their assistant-coach-punching head coach). Added a little green to the acct with that one. I also made a quasi-drunken impulse bet on Iowa to win right before kickoff. Just $2.50 to make it interesting (huge stakes, I realize, but my definition of "make it interesting" is "a very measely amount of money that matters nothing to me whether I win or lose, so 2.50 works. When you start to push $5 or 10 on a game that you are just betting with no real rooting interest or with a real good feeling on one team or another, that's when you get into trouble. Regardless, I thought there was no way Iowa would lose. Luckily, I was right... kinda).

Oh, and what's a sporting event these days without a Greenman(!) spawn?

Orangeman!

I forgot to mention our seats. We were assigned section 130, row something or other. But when we got in, we noticed nobody was sitting in the field level seats. So we sat down there in row 6ish. After about 4 minutes, we decided to screw it, we were going to sit front row. Nobody ever chased us out, so we had this view the whole game:

(We actually sat in row 1, so imagine us right on the railing.... Great success!)

Both teams traded touchdowns early on with some big plays highlighting the first quarter. But, as was the general theme of the game, lots of the on-field action was forgettable. So, luckily there was plenty of non-football stuff to keep us entertained. Like this:

(That IS an inflatable penis on the sideline for Illinois. The student section politely donated it)

We also found possibly the original inspiration for the SNL "A-Holes" skits.

(You wanna go to a football game, babe? You wanna see a football game? Wanna see a game, babe? You like football babe?"

("I wanna go to the beach." We're at a football game, babe. You want something to eat, babe? Something to drink? "I want sushi." No sushi, babe. Want a pretzel babe? Pretzel? Want a pretzel, babe? Babe, want a pretzel?.... "Who are all these people?")

(Apparently in real life the guy and his dad run a car dealership and were accepting some sort of donor's award during a break..... "I like baseball." This is a football game, babe. You like football? Wanna go to a football game babe? You like Purdue? "Pur-what?")

As has become a tradition with Dr Pete and traveling, we run into the mascot and have field-level seats. This was no different. The fact that Purdue's mascot is also named Pete made it better.

Verbatim quote from Dr Pete: "Petey! Petey, let me touch your thing!!!"... (referring to the sledgehammer)... Purdue Pete left almost immediately after that.

Now, Ron Zook is a terrible, terrible coach. But he had at least one fan in attendance.

Incase you can't tell, the man is decked out head to toe in Florida gear.

Again, the game was largely uneventful. But Illinois was getting it handed to them for most of the game. Infact, at halftime when they were running off the field they had to come right by us on the corner. We were perpendicular to what appeared to be the families of Illini players. As they were running to the locker room, Zook actually got into a yelling match with a few of them. They were not happy (they shouldn't be). I didn't get a photo of that incident, but sure enough, after the game they were going at it again, and I snapped this one:

Trust me, he's not just casually glancing into the stands right here.

At halftime our big entertainment was watching the police security guys open up a grocery bag and proceed to take out about 494558 different food items... and finish every last damn thing. Sandwiches, chips, sodas, condiments, etc. They pounded it down in like 7 minutes. All the while paying zero attention to the field. Had we snuck in with the Dwight Schrute Spud Gun, we could have jumped the railing and taken out band members during the halftime show tribute to Michael Jackson. Speaking of, when they announced that it was a tribute to Michael Jackson, we sorta rolled our eyes, but then they did Thriller and put on a pretty damn good show. They were doing the actual dance in unison, doing some zombie walking, etc. Very entertaining. I even spotted Band Guy (see last week's post) doing his thing out there. After 2 weeks in a row, I'll admit it, I love the Purdue Band. Sorry... the Purdue All-American Marching Band. Sadly, I didn't get many photos of this due to not checking battery life before getting to the game. I did get photos of said security officers, though.

(Hey, Sam, you got the dijon handy? ... Sure, can I have some of the watermelon?)

The second half was, again, very uneventful. The biggest thing we noticed was the lack of Aurrelious Benn. It got to the point where he just said "fuck it" and stopped running routes. And you know what? I don't blame him? When you're the best player on your team (by a looooong mile) and they line you up wide left to run a 5-yard hitch route on a play where the QB rolls right (and they run this 39 times in a row), well, you'd be pissed off too. He ended the game with 3 catches for 15 yards. 2 of them for 10 yards coming on the final drive with a minute and change left in the game and down 2 scores. More Zook genius too: with 4-5ish minutes left, down 10, Illinois has the ball. Benn plays exactly ZERO plays on that series. Zero. Your best player. Off the field. Healthy.

Let me end the game portion of the write-up by quoting this from the Chicago Tribune:

Through seven games last season, wide receiver Arrelious Benn had 44 catches for 693 yards and three touchdowns. At the same point this season, the junior has less than half the production with 25 catches for just 287 yards. He hasn't scored a touchdown in 11 games.

His lower numbers, Zook said, don't bother Zook or Benn.

"I don't care who gets the touches," Zook said. "I want to win."

So, Zook wants to win, and doesn't care who gets touches. Generally, to win, your best player gets touches. At least more than 3. And in crunch time. But Zook just wants to win, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, since he knows what he's doing (10-32 career record @ Illinois in seasons not taking place in 2007).

PS- How forgettable was the game? Early in the evening we were playing a card game called Circle of Death and for the "Categories" I had to come up with, I said, "Players We Saw In The Game Today" ..... we made it through 4 guys. We watched an entire major D-1 football game, from field level, against relatively regional teams for us... and we listed 4 guys. Rock on.

After the game we took Trav for his first experience at Chick-Fil-A. It was adequate for all of us. That is until Trav and I left the hotel an hour later to get more beer and he had me stop @ McDonalds to get 3 more sandwiches. Boy's gotta eat.

The night for the most part was a blur. Between the tailgate and 4ish hours of drinking before heading out to the West Lafayette bars we put down a total of 48 beers. When we were in college, this wouldn't be noteworthy. Today? Something like that takes us 72 hours of recovery time. And THEN we went out. I don't even know what else I consumed. Apparently I used my debit card for a $4.50 drink at a bar I don't remember being at around 2 or 3am....

You need nights like that sometimes. Your buds, random city, random football game... Everyday life may suck between Monday and Friday on occasion, but weekends like that make it a bit more tolerable. Even if Ron Zook and Juice Williams are involved.... shouldn't say that, though.... I don't want Ron Zook yelling at or intimidating me. The man has guns ...

(... but no in-game coaching ability)

Babies, Puppies, And An osu Loss

2009-10-18T21:46:00.004-05:00

These are things that make me happy.

The morning started early on Saturday October 17. The wife and I woke up at 6am, hit the road at 7 and grabbed some Starbucks on our way out of town. I'm unabashedly in love with Starbucks. I'm sorry. I'm a corporate hack. But their Venti-NonFat-Caramel Lattes are just, well, they're the bee's knees. Although, this morning I think the barista made mine with regular whole milk. Which is fine. Because if it's skim, it's healthy, and if it's whole, it's tastier. Can't lose.

The trip from Chicago to Purdue is just a shade over 2 hours when traffic is minimal (and at 7am on a Saturday, it is minimal). I had just received the new albums from People Under The Stairs, Mike Doughty, and Bebel Gilberto from the wife in the last week, so they provided a nice little soundtrack for the trip. Specific song? Enjoy.

(Chicago, Kennedy Expressway, 7:30 am Saturday... one of the few times this stretch of road can be considered "tolerable")

The reason for the trip on this day? Purdue vs ohio state. A chance to knock 2 more Big Ten teams off of my "seen in 2009" list. I had never been to Purdue, so that was an added bonus to the trip. I had stopped in Lafayette, IN a few times on trips to Indianapolis for food/gas pit-stops, but had never ventured west across the Wabash River to see the campus. The wife had been there a few times, so she earned the right to drive.

I did not have high hopes for the game, to be honest. On paper it appeared to be a massacre in the making. Purdue had all of one win coming in, ohio state had beaten everyone on their schedule not named USC. However, closer inspection and one should have recognized some warning signs there. osu had won the most undeserving game of the last 10 years against Wisconsin the week before. Purdue had played multiple tough games this season so far (and hung tough with just about every loss in 2008, as well). At some point osu's underwhelming performances and Purdue's gritty efforts would each have to receive some sort of karmic smack. I made my official prediction of osu winning 27-19, but really had no confidence in it. As far as other games for betting on the day, it was a bit light. No lines across the country jumped out at me besides Central Michigan giving 6.5 to Western Michigan, which paid off nicely. But otherwise, I stayed away. Low-key weekend on the books for this guy.

We arrived on campus 75 minutes prior to kickoff. Suprisingly, Purdue is easy to navigate traffic-wise that close to kick-off. We got to our lot and started the trek towards the stadium. The first job for me on the way was to grab a ticket. This actually didn't take much effort. I told myself I'd pay 40 before kickoff and the first guy I encountered wanted 40apiece for 2, 50 if I just wanted one. I told him I'd pay 40 for one and started to walk away before he relented and made the deal. The face value was 70. Who wins? I win. Even though I had no idea where the seat was, I got my wish. As it will turn out, my $40 was well-spent.

On the walk towards the stadium, the tailgating scene was fun to see. The way Purdue's parking is set-up has all sorts of lots and parking areas weaving and veering through nooks and crannies of the campus, so no matter where you turn, people are reveling. I happened to see a grill in the shape of the giant Purdue train, which was cool, but I didn't get a photo of it. Why? Because my attention was almost immediately turned towards this:

Let me explain. Purdue has this tradition with the youngsters called "Breakfast Club," which is where the students dress up in a different costume each Saturday morning before tailgating, go to the bars at the crack of dawn, get sauced, and THEN go tailgate. I applaud this and get filled with a giddy jealousy when I think about the idea. On our walk, we saw this jeep pull over with a mattress dragging out the back of it. A cop pulled up behind it, got out and yelled at the guy in the back of the Jeep, "Get rid of that mattress!" Well, since it was apparently his costume, as the cop went to talk to the driver, the kid got out and put it back on so it wouldn't drag on the ground. Fair, I think. We didn't stick around to see how it played out, but I'm guessing the police officer did not appreciate the gesture.

Before I made the trip into the stadium, I did the customary lap around. Here I stumbled across the band's pregame performance near the main entrance and I got my first up-close view of "The World's Largest Drum."

(It is large, I'll give it that ... but I don't know if it's THAT large... I mean, world's largest? Really?)

I get into the stadium and check out the concession stand to get my standard big pretzel. Sadly, they decide that the pretzels should cost $5, which is absurd. I refuse to pay that. I love my big pretzels, but they don't look like they come with real gold or the deed to a house, so I'm not paying $5 for a $3 pretzel. It's the principle. I do enjoy a nice 22 oz soda, though. Gotta stay hydrated. It's a long game.

I get in and walk down to my seat. This is my view:

(Yeah, I'll live with this spot)

The seat is located 10 rows behind the band. The view is great, but I worry about any long-term hearing loss. By the way, the band is referred to officially as "The Purdue All-American Marching Band," which I have no idea how they earned that. Do their members simply hail from all over America? Did they win some competition long ago to earn the name? I don't think they do any sort of national competitions each year. I mean, this isn't high school. You're the Purdue University Marching Band. That's your name. It works. No need to jazz it up. That's like me telling people I am a doctor because I work for a hospital. No, I'm a piss-ant lackey. That is all. I'm not saying the band is full of piss-ant lackeys, and I did eventually really enjoy their performances during the game, but come on. All-American?

Based solely on voice, Purdue may have the nerdiest PA announcer of any I've come across. Let's see if I can figure out a suitable comparison... Hmmm..... Maybe Mr Dewey from Saved By the Bell, crossed with.... well, no. Mr Dewey seems perfectly reasonable.

The band does their pre-game on-field performance and as I seem them make the big P at mid-field, I realize that band formations are tough if you are forming a letter that cannot be centered, such as M, W, T, I, etc. P just looks lopsided. F would too. I don't know what else they would form, but formations just lack the "pop" when it's not a centered, symmetrical letter. Since osu was in town, they could have just made the shape of a middle finger and that would have worked out fine.

(Somewhere in there, Terrelle Pryor is praying for a third-grade education)

During the national anthem, they had a big Army refueling-type plane fly overhead. I have no way to prove this, but I'm almost positive that I am not the only one in the stadium right now thinking of the Top Gun video game for NES, where you had to try and line up your fighter plane with the big refueling plane otherwise you would run out of fuel in the next level. And getting it to line up was always such a pain in the ass and I'm not sure I ever accomplished it more than once or twice. It's like finding that one level in the TMNT game for NES that I am convinced DID NOT EXIST. I always got stuck at like level 4 or 5 or whatever the hell it was, driving around the party van for hours with absolutely no clue where the next level was. Terrible game.

I texted my buddy Dr Peter before the game since he lives deep in osu territory and asked him what's the over/under on number of "o-h....i-o" chants I hear. I think we settled on 35ish. Between the walk over and the pre-game, I think I'm at 10 right now. At least their fans can spell. Well, 4 letters worth. Anything further than that and their brains would explode. I think most of these fans here for osu have brains that work at 2 wavelengths: "osu, osu, osu, osu...." and "fuck you, I rule. Fuck you, I rule. Fuck you, I rule." Any other thought process requires them to take an Advil/Tylenol/Jim Beam mixer followed by a 2-hour nap due to idea-overload.

So, as the game's starting, I hear this voice naming songs and talking about media timeouts and breaks and all sorts of weird things. It was like the scene in the Truman Show where he's driving and the radio accidentally breaks into the director's production feed. Very surreal. And the voice/speaker is kinda of muddled and choppy and almost robotically-concocted. It sounds like Brad Pitt's voice in this. For a few seconds in time, I thought I was losing my mind and the world was collapsing around me. I had no idea where I was, what my name was, how I got to this location, etc. Complete mental pandemonium. But then I noticed Band Guy;

(Heretofore, this man shall be referred to as Band Guy)

Band Guy was using a headset microphone thing to tell the band what songs to play during breaks, timeouts, between plays, etc. He was also the director/conductor. Quite the impressive workload. I gained immediate respect for Band Guy. I worried that this might get old as we move on in the game and act as a distraction to the game action, but I am happy to say, I was wrong. Band Guy made my day. Highly entertaining. You'll hear more later.

Ross-Ade stadium is decent enough, and the scoreboard gets the pertinent information up there, but this place is in desperate need of an out-of-town (OOT) scoreboard. How can we live in the year 2009 without every stadium in America putting up an OOT section on the scoreboard. This is imperative. Especially if your team is in a tight race late in the year and you need instant access to scores from your rivals. I'm sorry, but not all of us carry Blackberries and iPhones. We rely on the OOT scoreboard for information. And don't get me started on the coronarys suffered by gamblers when they walk into a stadium without an OOT. Again, 2009. come on, Purdue. If you're charging $70 face on tickets to see your shitty team, the least you could do is provide a place for us to see scores from other non-shitty teams.

The game begins with an early fumble by osu, which is awesome. Purdue then runs a little trickery, which eventually sets up the first score of the game, a FG by the Boilers to give them a 3-0 lead before most of the buckeye contingent can find their seats (because they can't read tickets. Because they can't read.... or write... or count.... or converse above a 3rd-grade level).

osu comes right back with a quick 4-play drive capped off with a Pryor TD run to the left side to jump up 7-3. This is noteworthy because it's the last semblance of success the buckeyes will have for about 2 hours.

Purdue's fans have a cheer they do in unison (aside from "Boiler Up") when the team gets a first down that basically goes "1-2-3-4 First Down!" (The students add a word at the end of it that rhymes with "witch." Or "mitch." Or "twitch.".... Or "snitch.".... They say Bitch. 1-2-3-4 First Down, Bitch). Anywhoo, after a PU fumble, the osu inbred collective decide that is an opportune time to do the 1-2-3-4 First Down, Bitch (note, they are not students, and really shouldn't be saying that) and point in the opposite direction. Clever tweak, scarlet folks. I'm quite certain that if the Boiler fans had not done the cheer first, osu's mob couldn't have done it on their own. It requires counting beyond 2.

"If you need to use the restroom, do it now." ~Band Guy~ See, it's a good thing I found the source of this previously disembodied voice, otherwise I'd be making a beeline for the bathroom at that moment and then awaiting my next command from the master.

osu has to punt following a block-in-the-back penalty on them during a big play that didn't actually occur according to 40 osu fans sitting near me. Good thing they're here to make the correct calls because the refs are really fucking this up. The refs version 2.0 in the stands offer up their critiques on every anti-buckeye call during the game, which is nice. I need an unbiased voice in my ear constantly. Especially one that uses Fuck as the ultimate noun/verb qualifier.

One thing I noticed early on that ended up really not holding true through the course of the game was that Joey Elliott seemed to have a slow trigger today, especially on plays with extended reads. I wrote that in the notebook after he threw a pass that nearly decapitated his WR.

Band Guy is fairly charming with little witty comments and the like in-between his song selections, but he needs to bust on people more. He's the only one with a mic. He has the power. He must utilize it. Needless to say, if I were Band Guy, nobody would be safe. "Trumpets, all your mothers are whores. They had sex with the Tuba section....... Drumline, your virginity called, it's getting bored."

Speaking of drumline:

(If you look closely, the drum leader has a hot dog in his mouth as he's playing. Impressive? Yes. Healthy? Well, I'm no doctor, but....)

Purdue fumbles but has the call overturned on forward progress, which is a call a 9-year-old could make... but not buckeye fans! The expletives are flying right now.

On a side note, through the bulk of the first quarter I'm convinced that anyone in the entire stadium could knock down Purdue RB Ralph Bolden today. The guy has zero escapability and falls down when a hand so much as grazes his knee. Sad, really. This guy was the national leader in rushing through the first few weeks of the season. Makes you wonder WTF that was all about. Could be a bad quarter, though. Still, early on, I'm not overly impressed.

At the end of the first quarter, it's 7-3, osu. And as a bonus, we get a new Band Guy. The switch is exciting as we'll be getting a new voice and leader, but I worry about BG2, because the shoes he has to fill are enormous.

At the start of the 2nd, osu's return man drops a punt that you could see coming from a mile away. The dude looked like he was returning punts today on a dare. I really mean that. The guy doesn't even remotely look the part. He's built like a tight end. Does every DB and small WR wet their pants when they look to the sky or something?

After the recovery for PU on the osu dropped punt, the Boilers settle for a FG to make it 7-6. This has all the feel of that game we seemingly see every week where osu gets completely outplayed and somehow wins anyways. It's shit like that that makes us, the general public, hate those turds.

I just realized the famous osu "fireman" fan guy (there's no photos of him on google, but he's shown on every game on tv... wears a fireman's helmet, layers of buckeye necklaces, etc) is sitting like 20 feet from me. If my pee stream could reach that far, it'd be tempting.

Big turn of events in the middle of the 2nd quarter: osu runs for a td, only it gets called back on a holding penalty (wrong call, says the toddler-brains). On the ensuing play, Pryor fumbles..... Hello, hubris.

Drew Brees makes an appearance on the videoboard talking about donating money to something. This guy is beyond loved in West Lafayette. He could sincerely pull a Mike Vick and still live a happy and rewarding life in West Laf for all of eternity. The man can do no wrong in the eyes of the gold and black.

Purdue makes a (pardon my word choice) retarded call on the osu 5-yard line by running a halfback pass that gets picked. PU has had an abysmal display in the red zone today. It's small things like that which lead to osu wins in undeserving games, and thus puts me closer to jumping off a bridge someday.

Right before the half PU kicks a 55 yd FG right into my endzone, which was cool to see. It might actually be the longest field goal I've ever witnessed live. I have no idea and no way to keep track, but still. Let's say moving forward, Carson Wiggs of Purdue has kicked the longest field goal I've ever witnessed live. Deal? Deal.

On a related note, I'd love to be the FG net guy for a game. I think it'd be fun to hold races and competitions against the guy on the other side of the net as to who can pull their side of faster, etc. Keep records, put money on it, all that fun stuff. I have a very good feeling that I'd do quite well at this. In my previous life, we would have to raise nets at a stadium to protect a glass wall and I always had a really good rhythm when raising my side. I think it would be a smooth transition to a FG net. So, ya know, if anyone's hiring. I'm your guy. Other random sports jobs I want to try at some point in my life:

1) Penalty box guy during an NHL game... wear a suit and open the penalty box door? Yessir. It's the best of both worlds. Dressing white-collar, doing manual labor.

2) FG net guy during an NCAA game

3) Replay official during NFL game

4) Stadium PA announcer during a baseball game.... likely minor league, where I could get away with more stuff, such as reporting fake headlights on, awarding fake prizes to non-existent seat numbers, and openly mocking the mascot.

The halftime show was a tribute to Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine. I'm 100% serious, and I couldn't even think of a more obscure singer/band for a halftime tribute if I tried. After the half, the original Band Guy will return to his post get on the mic and actually ask the crowd, "Hey, crowd, did you all enjoy that halftime show??!!!??!! (crowd cheers) Thanks.... we worked real hard on it.... for like 3 hours." (I sense sarcasm.... and I LIKE IT!)

At the half, osu had 4 first downs, at least 2 of them coming on the one scoring drive mere seconds into the half. If you're keeping track at home, that's 12 total first downs for the buckeyes in the last 3 halves of football, or 2 per quarter.... National Contender, folks!!!!

I know I said earlier that I'm not convinced the big drum is really the world's largest, but I will give credit... that Effer sure does rumble.

Forgot to show this earlier. What's better than GreenMan(!!!!)?

(BlueMan! YellowMan! PinkMan! OrangeMan! GreenMan!)

At the start of the 2nd half, it's apparent that Danny Hope has lit a fire under Bolden's ass. He's running with reckless abandon (cliche!) now and Purdue is cruising down the field. In retrospect, you should have known immediately the start of the 2nd half that we were witnessing a sea change in the momentum, and it was mammoth.

Purdue finally grabs a TD as Joey Elliot hits Aaron Valentine, making it 16-7 Purdue. Haven't heard an oh-io cheer in eons. I like it.

The entire 3rd quarter and the first part of the 4th, really, can be summed up in a couple ways:

1) Pryor = Juice Williams 2.0. The kid couldn't do a thing right, and we may honestly be seeing the limits of his skills and general football IQ (more on this later.... let's just say he must play a LOT of Madden on XBox)

and 2) Purdue = King Midas. Everything they touched turned to gold. It really felt like every other play osu was throwing an incompletion, an interception, taking a sack, or fumbling.... or Purdue was completing a pass for 10-15 yards. It was a surreal scene for about 45 minutes. The crowd was as fired up for those 45 minutes as I think I've seen a college crowd in a long time. It was honestly one of the coolest things I've seen going to games. 50,000 people were just flat-out LOUD, and that doesn't include the migrant farmers from ohio.

The video board at one point played this "Boiler Up" pump-up video that was spawned from the Daft Punk hand dance video. Only on this one the hands spelled out things about Purdue. It was still set to "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger." I couldn't even attempt to try this. I would sprain every muscle in my hands and forearms, which would really ruin much pleasure for me for a significant amount of time.... not for that reason, pervs. I couldn't hold cans and bottles of beer. Awful, awful minds on some of you.

The Purdue fans took to cheering for every caught punt by either squad after #82 for the buckeyes urinated on his leg earlier in the game. For some reason, he was still in there to catch punts the rest of the game, and as the game went on, it further convinced me that he was only back there because his name was drawn out of a hat. Seriously terrible. It's the one thing all day that me and the library-masturbating fans agree on.

Shortly after that punt, Pryor throws another INT, followed by him throwing his helmet about 40 feet from the field to the sideline. osu, you have DE-Railed.

Elliott throws a pick shortly thereafter, and osu gives it back after that almost instantly. I am classifying this game as "ugly exciting." Like, there are so many mistakes and errors, but the fact that it's such a "good" team playing such a "not-good" team, it really heightens the excitement.

(Purdue just before their score to go up 23-7)

Elliott hits Valentine again and Valentine makes a remarkable run after the catch to put PU up 23-7 near the end of the 3rd. The crowd is beside itself. I couldn't be more proud of the black and gold. I'd cheer for a biker gang that sacrifices bunnies if they were beating osu.

After the TD, osu drops the kickoff, leading to a nearly zero gain on the kickoff return, followed immediately by a QB sack on Pryor. We end the third quarter shortly after and osu needs an enema. They had 4 first downs through the first half.... they still have 4.

Some of you may know about Wisconsin's 4th quarter tradition of Jump Around. But Purdue has a tradition that is also kind of neat. They have some honored guest in the press box each week wave a Purdue Flag which leads the crowd in a performance of the song "Shout" (think, Animal House). The crowd goes nuts, the band runs a lap around the field while dancing to the song (impressive they can make the entire lap in the allotted amount of time. Very impressive).

(The "Compliment Guys" lead Shout!)

(Tough to see, but people are flashing their hands up and singing "Shout")

(The Band doing their lap. Petey getting into the action)

Trailing by 16 in the 4th, Tressel and Pryor revert to apparently the only offensive plan they can think of that may remotely work: Madden offense. This consists of the QB dropping back 15 yards, rolling out all the way to one side of the field, and throwing the ball as far as they can and hope for a catch or pass interference. This works for one play and osu actually makes it deep into Purdue territory, all the way down to the goal line.

Purdue goal line stand on 3 straight Pryor muffed runs. That's all that can be said. Insane atmosphere here. I'm starting to get texts asking if I'm going to rush the field after the game with the crowd. I'm currently at 20%.

After the goal line stand, osu lines up for a FG. Keep in mind they are down 23-7 in the 4th to a team with an offense that they haven't been able to stop consistently. Just keep that in mind.... so, they line up for the FG, and they kick it, but just as the ball is snapped and the kick is good, the refs blow the whistle, rule a delay of game and back them up 5 yards. They then line up again to make the FG a little more manageable from 24 yards rather than 19 and at a hashmark. Now, here's my thing. Why don't teams make this part of a little sneakiness here? You obviously could use the TD FAR more than a FG. You're down by 2 TDs and two 2-pt conversions. If I were a coach, I would design a play where we line up for the FG, let the clock run down and kick it as the play clock expires. The other team obviously will take the penalty. So, now you've shown them that you're planning on kicking it. Their guard will be down. Why would they expect you to fake it after you've already kicked it and are 5 yards back? If you release a TE and get even a remote amount of protection, you have a really good chance of converting the fake. And if you don't, they have the ball inside their 10. A FG really helps minimally here because you're still still leaving it as a 2-score game. Just something I'd do if I were a coach. Or at least try.

Purdue gets the ball back and drives down the field for a 49-yd FG answer to push it back to a 16 pt spread at 26-10. On the drive, Elliott continued to elude osu's grazing cow defensive linemen to keep the drive alive. As insane as it is to say this, Elliott had far more escapability than Pryor today. It's really one of the most suprising things that I took away from the game.

osu makes a real quick drive down the field late to get a TD on a Pryor pass and a 2pt conversion on a Pryor sweep. They are within 8, and it just has that eerie feeling of that kind of game that osu ALWAYS seems to win. Since their mythical national title run in 2002 when they won every game by making one less mistake than their opponents (and buying the refs sexual favors against Miami in the title game), they always seem to win these garbage games to further their legend of "overrated" status.

osu has to give the ball back to Purdue with 2 and change left. Purdue needs just a first down to seal the deal.... Nerve-wracking.

(Just before Purdue gets the ball back in an attempt to kill the clock)

(Dear police... you are about to get worked over)

(The natives getting anxious)

Purdue does nothing on first down... nothing on 2nd... 1:46 to go and 3rd down. osu with no timeouts. Incomplete pass for Purdue.... but.... And we have a game-clinching face-mask penalty!!! Now it's just standard operating procedure of the kneel-down (which, by the way, why don't teams put a Safety or Linebacker back in the deep spot for that? If a guy breaks free on a fumble or fluke, do you really trust your backup RB or someone to make a solo tackle?).

(Before the final kneel-down)

Aaaaaaaannnnnddddddd...... Game over.

(YEEESSSS!!!!!)

(I LOVE THE BOILERS!!!!)

(ANYBODY WHO BEATS osu IS A FRIEND OF MINE!)

(Old people, non-students rushing)

(The Purdue Band turns their caps around backwards after a win. Band Guy gets on the mic afterwards and screams "I TOLD YOU ALL WEEK WE COULD DO IT! I TOLD YOU!! I GODDAMN TOLD YOU!" Absolutely awesome)

(The center. Danny Hope is down there somewhere getting interviewed)

(One final shot of the swarm.)

(I did manage to make it to the field)

(The ringing bell walking by on the field)

So that ended the game. Purdue wins in a massive upset. Off the top of my head, I can't think of a bigger one I've ever seen live. So much fun.... but, somehow it doesn't quite feel complete. I'm missing something....

Saaaaaad osu fans :-(

(Our shitty team lost!!! I can't take it!!! Waaaahhhhh!!!)

Oh, poor osu fans!!!! Cry!! I want to see your pain. Let me see your pain!!!!

(This wasn't from the game, but this is pornography for me)

Your tears! They taste so yummy!

So, with that, it was over. My most hated sports team and fan base had suffered defeat on a massive scale and I was able to see it live. Why do I hate them so? Many reasons. Too many to list. But everyone needs that one team that they just despise. ohio state is mine. Drew Magary of Deadspin and Bill Simmons of ESPN.com have both written in the past about how hatred is good in sports and really it's one of the few places where actual true hatred can be a good and productive thing (I'm too lazy to look up/link to the articles. Maybe someday I'll do it and come back and add the link). Some people hate the Yankees, some Dallas, some LA Lakers, Notre Dame, etc etc etc. The usual suspects. My hatred is ohio state. I get so much joy from seeing them them lose that it makes any other failures feel ok. Case in point? Wisconsin, Minnesota, and Northwestern all lost on Saturday as well. Jake Locker and the Washington Huskies lost Saturday night. The Phillies suffered a brutal loss on Friday in the NLCS.... none of this mattered on Saturday afternoon and evening. The world was perfect. I was going to wake up the next morning feeling great, feeling that justice was served, feeling that peace and love and happiness were going to reign free and triumph in this universe.

A hanging, tattered osu flag under the bleachers after the game..........

Today, we are ALL Boilermakers.

Hello Minnesota ... It's Me Again.

2009-10-06T22:44:00.002-05:00

The trip to my Alma Mater started Friday morning. After spending the night at the parents' place, we hit the road to finish the final 4+ hours of the trip. One thing that's hit me as I get older is how much more the drive sucks now. It's certainly not intolerable. I can handle it just fine. But it just feels so much longer now. When I was in college and in the time immediately following, I could make that trip without a blink, and oftentimes I flat-out loved it. I think during the course of my 40582 commutes between the Twin Cities and the greater Madison area during my life I've managed to make a pit-stop at every single exit on I-94. My favorite? Tough to say. But we did stop at a few along the way since the wife's bladder isn't as strong as mine.... ok, I also was feeling like dogshit due to some flu-like symptoms, so the stops were appreciated.

During the drive we got the news about the Olympics deciding Chicago wasn't worthy of discussing for more than 10 minutes, and voted them out as a finalist in the first round. The wife and I had mixed feelings. She was one of those who I think really deep down wanted the games. Me? Whatev. If Chicago got them, great, that's exciting. If they didn't, I would lose exactly 0 seconds of sleep and worry in my life over it.

The wife and I hit the Twin Cities around 2pm that afternoon. Our first stop? The Coffman Memorial Student Union on Campus. There were 2 reasons for this stop:
1) I wanted a new Minnesota shirt from the bookstore there since all my old shirts are either way too big now (I've lost a couple lbs), too tattered, and the bulk of them are very sport-specific that they would give out when you bought student season tickets
2) I wanted to actually see the damn thing. If you read the Wikipedia entry for Coffman, you'll notice a passage discussing renovations from 1999-2003.... which just happens to be the entire span of my student experience at the UofM. So, thanks for shutting down the place for 4 years, regents.
But, yeah, it looks good. It would have been wonderful to use at some point during four(!!!) years.

After buying a couple shirts and browsing about a bit, we got back in the car and wandered to one of my old stomping grounds, Sally's. It was here that I once gave my phone number to a waitress, who turned out to be the girlfriend of Nick Angell, a big Gopher hockey player at the time ... She never called. The big deal here in my days was Taco Tuesday. I think it was like $5 for all you can eat tacos, which is astounding. Now they've got banners up for "Kill the Keg Thursdays," which is where they open up a keg at like 10pm on Thursday night and everyone can drink free until it's gone. That's a great deal if you catch it on the right night....

At Sally's the wife and I were eating, enjoying a local Grain Belt Beer and I looked around and noticed it was us and like 50 old people. It was at this point that I turned to the wife and said, "It's official. We are now those old people who go to the bar early so we avoid the rush of young'uns." Sadly, she knew I was right. At least we both got carded, so that made us feel better about our place in the world. Right next door to Sally's is Gold Country/Goldy's Locker Room, which is another clothing store. I got this.

We then went on a little drive around the campus, showing off a couple of my old living quarters, seeing the new stadium for the first time, seeing what, if anything, has been done to Siebert Field, arguably the worst baseball stadium for a D-1 baseball school. While on the drive, we passed Dinkytown Liquors and I told the story of how my obsession with Welch's Sparkling Stawberry Soda started there. I would walk home from class, stop at the vending machine and get it. Generally it would be gone before I got home because it tasted so damn good. But since I left the UofM, I've had it maybe 3 times? It's one of the most impossible drinks to find anywhere in the world. It's a shame, because something that good needs to be consumed by men, women and children. Everywhere. All the time. It's beyond good. Anyways, we decided to get some Grain Belt for the hotel (when in Rome....), so we stopped at the liquor store and I walked over to the vending machine to reminisce. When what are my eyes shocked to see more than 6 (SIX!!!) full years later?....

(Yes, it's what you think it is)

I couldn't believe my damn eyes. I had to put money in, select it, and prove that it was still in there. Best $1.25 I've ever spent. All the feelings of my younger and more youthful, joyful days came rushing back as I held that bright pink manna of the gods in my hands. The sun came out and Celine Dion's "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" began to play down from the heavens (I won't link to it. I'll spare you, kind reader). Needless to say, after this blessing, this anti-omen, I felt like the weekend would be perfect from start to finish.

We checked in to the hotel downtown. The Hilton. We were mildly out of place. They were hosting some sort of Save the Children fundraiser or some crazy gathering and us in our jeans and t's were surrounded by black-tie event goers. I felt worse for my wife who decided shortly after we got there to head down and try to get a run in at the fitness center and had to walk through the crowd afterwards all sweaty and gross. Apparently she got plenty of looks... and not sexy ones.

After relaxing in the room for a bit, we headed out to The Local, a nice bar downtown about 200 steps from our place. We met a few of the wife's friends out and I enjoyed some great drinks Incase you were at the bar and forgot what you ordered, they have glasses labeled for every single tap beer on their roster. It's true!

(Can you guess what I was drinking?)

The night as a whole was, in a word, pleasant. Just sitting around, chatting, low-key, relaxing non-loud bar. Just a good night of drinking and getting ready for the game in a handful of hours. And just enough beer to knock me out once we got to the hotel and help give me a good night's sleep.

Looking out the window of the room at 7am on Saturday I saw raindrops, flags flying completely straight due to heavy wind gusts, and people on the street wearing 9 layers. It's October 3. Not December 3. Not February 3. Not even November 3. October 3. You know where this game would be tolerable today? The Dome. I'm a huge Dome apologist as I've mentioned. Love the Dome. It's temp-controlled, all the seats have seatbacks, you can drink during college games, etc. Just the apple of my eye. But today, and for the looooooong haul, we're going to be enjoying the game at TCF Bank Stadium.

(This used to be a parking lot. Now all parkers must leave their cars in Hudson, WI)

Before I forget, Minneapolis has these old, 1960/70ish highrise apartments situated just between downtown and the campus that are commonly referred to as the "Crack Stacks." It's a similar situation to where I envision Charlie from "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" living.

(The Crack Stacks... This is what they may look like inside)

The Father and Mother-In-Law picked us up at the Hilton at 8am and we made our way towards campus. Thanks to a legal loophole we were able to snag handicapped parking a block away from the stadium. We made our way to the McNamara Alumni Center where they host a tailgate party each week before the game. Food, drinks, and a polka band!!!!

(I don't want her, you can have her, she's too fat for me...)

If the background looks familiar, it's because it should be. The polka guys are playing in the same place this video was filmed, seriously. So, that's a neat fact I like to share with people regarding Mpls. Now, good luck getting that song out of your head for the next 24 hours (Not necessarily a bad thing).

Since it was ball-shrinking cold out, we stayed inside for the better part of the pre-game festivities, which was fine. They have jumbotrons playing Gameday on ESPN and the food hits the spot. We did wander out at 9am for the Victory Walk. This is a newish thing they're doing now where 2 hours before kickoff the team, coaches, band, cheerleaders, etc walk through the street between everyone on their way to the stadium. It's actually pretty cool, although this guy apparently wasn't sure he wanted to be in my wife's photo:

(Dude, you're a celeb, don't look so suprised)

We finished our food, and made our way to the stadium. Thankfully, we juuuuuuuuuust beat the majority of the crowd getting in.

The wife and I walked around the concourse to take in the stadium. I really enjoy the concourse. It's wide as hell, which it needs to be, since the upper deck and main level are accessible from the single concourse in the building. Tons of food choices too, which is nice. Although the Big Pretzels are only sold in 3 sections and I was too lazy to go back and get one later when the time came. The bathrooms were also great. Like 100 urinals in each one so there's rarely a line. I wanted to take a picture as proof, but you should never whip out a camera in a bathroom, unless you have a small army of friends to protect you. Some notable things:

(Jumbo Scoreboard)

(Every seat between the goal lines has a seat back)

(There is a walkway/standing room area behind most of the upper deck)

(College boys with the gold paint already flaking off)

I was disappointed with the lack of the gold-out as had been planned that week. Pretty much anyone over the age of 35 just wore maroon or black or anything that kept them warm. That's fine, old people, but throw on a gold shirt over the top. Support your school, dammit.

The temperature was a solid 43 at kickoff with a light rain. And the student section was about as full as it was going to get. They attempted a card stunt late in the first where the students held up colored placards via instructions from the PA announcer. The first one was supposed to spell out "Beat the Badgers" (I think) but it didn't look great. The 2nd one turned out nicely.

(See, that's adequate)

The summary of the game is the same as any in the WI-Minnesota rivarly. Minnesota always finds a way to lose and it's always in some unique and quirky and awful way. (Remember this?... Yeah, didn't even phase me as a Minnesota fan. It was expected)

Right off the bat, the game was exciting to start, though, as it always is. 3 first quarter scores, including John Clay's first TD of the day and another Eric Decker highlight. The game slowed down in the 2nd, with both teams exchanging field goals and Minnesota headed into the half with a 13-10 lead. This, again, is nothing noteworthy. Minnesota traditionally has early control in these games only to piss it away late.

(Obligatory game photo. As the Ma-In-Law mentioned, it looks like Indian Corn)

Ok, before we advance, I have to warn you... This game every year really drains me. I always manage to feel miserable afterwards and this year was no different. You may read some shady language, you may hear some desperate cries for help, and you may see photos of a suicide attempt or 2. So, you've been warned.

Actually, I don't want to recount any more of the game than I have to. This game, this series, it all just pisses the shit out of me (property of Buzz Bissinger). Seriously, Minnesota never fucking blocks (5 sacks vs 0 this game, including Weber being murdered on 5 straight pass attempts to end the game), always makes moronic mistakes (9 penalties... NINE!!!), can only either pass or run in any given game, not both (2.0 rushing yards per carry in this one). It's the same thing every year. 6 straight years they've lost this fucking game and something like 10 out of 12. If you want to grow as a program, if you want to gain prestige, if you don't want to continue to be a goddamn C-squad in the Big Ten, you need to win one of these god-forsaken games. And don't get me started on the bullshit move of WI running through the Gopher squad/band while MN was doing their post-game "alma mater" song thing. Classless and bullshit. My full mood on the entire game can be heard here (NSLanguageFW).

Listen, I like Wisconsin. I will be back cheering balls to the walls for them again this week. But I cannot handle this beatdown that my Alma Mater takes year after year. It's beyond frustrating. Far beyond. Every year after this game I am in a terrible mood for hours, even though I am intelligent and mature enough as a sports fan to know to just move on. But this game sticks with me every year....

So all that said, I'm announcing here that I'm taking next year off from this game. I'm going to stay as far away from the Minnesota-WI game as I can. I'll still pay attention, maybe watch it casually on TV, but for the most part, I need a break. So, yeah. Next year, I'm out.

There's probably another 5000 words worth of stories and observations from the weekend, but just thinking about the game again has ruined my mood for writing. I need to wash my hands of this game and get away from it asap. Fuck this shit.

Next scheduled game: ohio state @ Purdue October 17. Maybe a suprise posting or 2 before that, though. I need a nap.

Quick Hitter (PUN!!!!) Wednesday - Cubs/Pirates

2009-09-30T19:22:00.001-05:00

Let me start off by saying this: Wrigley Field sucks, the Cubs suck, and all those standard gripings about the Northside hold true ... but ... Businessman's Specials are great.

Today's game was a rainout from a Sunday game earlier this season. I had originally gone to the park with my wife, my parents and my youngest brother. It was my parents' and brother's first trip to Wrigley so they were considerably disappointed to take the 2.5 hour drive to Chicago, get to the stadium, sit around for another 2.5 hours, and then leave. At least we all got to see a couple players jog the outfield for 4 minutes before the rains came.

But that was then, this is now. We turned in 3 of the tickets from that day and I took the other 2 and enjoyed some late September day baseball with my old friend from high school, M. Lee.

Lee's family moved away juuuuuuuuuuust before our Jr year of high school to a town about 60 miles south of our hometown. Now, today that would be no big deal. In the age of the internet, emails, facebook, kids that drive all over the country, etc, that wouldn't be an issue. But back then, Christ, he may as well have moved to Winnipeg. But after many years we reconnected by both living in the Chicago vicinity and we have enjoyed going to a couple games a year.

I took the El down to the Addison stop, leaving my place at noon. During the ride down I was sitting next to a Latina girl who was listening to Jennifer Lopez on her iPod. I am not familiar enough with J-Lo's music to know which song it was, but she was listening to it loud enough that I definitely didn't need to question whether it was J-Lo. Maybe it was this song. No idea. Not really familiar with her work from before I met my wife.

I got a text from Lee letting me know he was at Harry Caray's and wanted to know if I wanted a beer before going into the game, and if I did he would have one waiting for me. I told him in some sort of paraphrase: "It's Cubs-Pirates, last week of the season.... I'm ok missing the start of the game for beer."

We enjoyed a good handshake, had a nice little catch-up convo and enjoyed some 312 beer. We agreed that we felt bad for the beer cart girl inside Harry Caray's, as Lee said he had been there for 20 minutes and not one person had purchased a beer from her. Adding to the brutality was the fact that this was game 1 of the doubleheader so we assumed she had to work a double-shift... sorry chicky.

Lee and I put down guesses on the total number of people we figured would be at the game today. We both hovered around 20,000... turns out we were a bit high (more later).

After finishing our beers and seeing Andrew McCutcheon reach base to start the game on one of the TVs in the bar, we made our way over to the park, and thank goodness we did. The Pirates ended up scoring 4 runs in the first, which is all that ended up being scored in the entirety of the game. Somehow we managed to see all 4 runs. Think about that for a second. We're in a bar, we watch the first full AB, leave the bar, walk to the stadium, get into the stadium, walk halfway around to find our seats, and still manage to see all 4 runs scored in the first. This is not a testament to us sprinting to the game. This is a testament to how few people were actually there. It was a ghost town. I really felt as if I could have driven down to the game and just parked on the street and nobody would have cared.

During the first inning we talked about watching 2 teams out of the race this late in the season and how they could make us coming to the game redeeming in some sort of way. Maybe the Pirates score 28 runs. Maybe we see part of the stadium collapse. Maybe some animals get loose on the field. Maybe we see just a good, old-fashioned brawl. I liked our chances at the last option when Lastings Milledge took out Ryan Theriot on a double-play attempt and then got into a shouting match with the Cubs infield. Sadly, no fighting. If Milledge wasn't going to throw down, nobody was. Lastings Milledge is definitely destined for some sort of red-ass type meltdown before his career is over. I just hope to be there.

Ok, I can't hold off any longer... these are photos from the middle of the game...

These are just a couple angles. The announced crowd was 36,000ish. I've never heard the crowd unanimously laugh out loud at an attendance announcement before today. But they did. Our 20,000 guess was high. The place was not half-full. The entire upper deck was "exceptionally sparse" at best. One thing that got us giggling was the fact that despite having basically free reign to sit anywhere, you naturally still get yokels like these:

(I paid my money! And I'm going to enjoy these seats!)

Back to the game.

Because it's the Cubs-Pirates, and we're 5 games from the end of the season, the topic of conversation obviously shifts inevitably to fantasy football. I think it took us until the 2nd out of the bottom of the first to get to the topic. If you discuss fantasy sports with someone who knows their shit and knows guys in your leagues, it's a joy. If you discuss fantasy sports with someone who has never played in a league with you or knows nobody in any leagues with you, it's effing brutal. But Lee knows all the fellas from back home so he was very receptive to my ranting and raving about guys bitching over rule changes, guys not paying, guys drafting nothing but Packers, etc. Long story short, we agree that 2-QB leagues are not the devil, Kickers and Defenses are put on fantasy rosters to give us heart disease, and having 2 WR over 3 is a waste of a roster. So, Lee gets in the hometown league if we ever expand or someone leaves.

Sadly, the wind was blowing in today so we saw zero dingers, but Garrett Jones hit 2 balls today that would have spilled someone's drink in Murphy's Bleachers each time. One was caught and one was dropped by Fuk-U-Do-Me.

We spent much of the latter half of the game talking about where classmates are now and reminiscing about our younger and more vulnerable days. Days spent at our friend's pool. Convincing him to throw pool parties. Girls hiding in the closet when Lee was changing into his trunks and laughing at his weiner. Guys plotting to try and figure out a way to sneak peeks into the room where the girls changed (how did we never think of setting up a camera? Or having one guy hide in there while the other guys made it seem like everyone was occupied? These are regrets men have when reminiscing about their adolescent days). We also talked about pranks we'd pull of throwing toilet paper on houses (apparently this wasn't a big deal to many of the friends Lee made after he moved. This saddened him. Throwing toilet paper on homes was a right of passage in Monroe.... as was upperclassmen guys dating underclass girls. Somehow my wife doesn't understand this, but even Lee brought this up on his own, unprovoked during our conversation. Those were just some of the things that happened in our town. I think it was written into the by-laws of the city charter). Some other pranks we discussed and felt bad about I will not mention or discuss here. Some things are best left unsaid. Let's just say that neither Lee nor I are Jewish, but we both used each other to atone some of our sins circa 1993-1997. Does that mean we now don't find them funny? No, most of it was fucking awesome. But atonement is nice.

I did find out that Lee had never even been close to catching a ball at a game, and we were in prime foul ball catching territory. There were a couple that would have come close, but they ended up in the upper-deck... until the 9th. With 2 outs in the 9th, there was a screamer coming right at us. I told Lee, "Get on that... get on that..." and he froze. The ball landed literally 15 feet to our left, with not a soul between Lee and the spot where it landed. The row was empty. First time jitters I guess. Better luck next time, champ.

One great thing about the game and the half-empty stadium today was that it reminded me of a simpler time back when I could go to Brewer games in Milwaukee, wear Phillies gear when Pat Burrell and the Philadelphians were in town and basically have an entire section to myself to relax and enjoy the game with few to no distractions. It was like that today. I wore a Pirates hat (not necessarily a fan, but I think the cap is totally badass) and I heard absolutely zero comments from anyone. Partly because there were so few people there, partly because it was pointless to say anything since both teams suck, and partly because the Pirates and Charlie Morton (yes, THIS Charlie Morton) were in complete control (complete game, 4 hits, 8 K's I believe).

After the game, we said our goodbyes. We'd see each other again at the latest for the Wisconsin-Northwestern football game in November. Lee mentioned his dad would be there, which is great because I haven't seen him in ages.

On the ride home on the El, on the transfer to the purple line where there were literally 8 people on the entire train, an elderly man and his wife were talking on the other end of the train and I heard him say "That young man there is sitting in the restricted seats." He was referring to me, sitting in the seats next to one of the doors reserved for elderly passengers. Bear in mind that there were 90 open seats on the train, they had sat down before me, and I was getting off in 3 stops. I turned to start potentially making some borderline abrasive defense of myself when I saw that he had a big scar/discoloration on his temple. Definitely some sort of work had been done on his head. Was it brain cancer? Was it Alzheimers? Was it something else? I don't know. But I decided to hold my thoughts to myself. Seemed like a good way to end the day and a good lesson to live by:

Don't argue with crazy-headed brain-cancer-Alzheimer patients.

Heading out tomorrow for a trip up to Minneapolis to see the Badgers play my Alma Mater Minnesota Golden Gophers at the new TCF Bank Stadium. My first time in the new stadium (I may be a tough sell... I am a HUGE Metrodome apologist). Expect a full report afterwards.

Hello Wisconsin

2009-09-28T20:15:00.003-05:00

It'd been a while.

The last time I remember being in Madison was for a Pat McCurdy concert many weeks ago, and the last time I'd seen a football game there was, well, last fall sometime (far too lazy to look up which game it was). But, yeah, it'd been a while.

So after a quick pit stop to see my Phillies lose a terrible game to the Brewers on Friday night, I rolled into Trav's place just before midnight, enjoyed a beer and hit the hay, ready to face the best of what Madison could give us bright and early Saturday morning.

We had planned on waking up by 7 and hitting the road by 7:30, and we did, but I had basically been up off and on all night already with Trav's yelping puppy chocolate lab who would not stop whining until he was let out at 2:30 and 5:00 am. Generally I have a decent tolerance for dogs, but this annoyed the tar out of me, likely because Hunter is a lab. I cannot stand labs. Honestly, I think they're the worst breed of dog in the world. If Michael Vick had fought with labs rather than pitbulls, I may own his jersey right now. And the thing is, I cannot really pinpoint why I have such disdain for the breed, but I do, and it's not going to be changing anytime soon. So, yeah, annoying whining lab all night + early game = grumpy Ryan for the first hour of the day.

As I mentioned in the last entry, we decided to tailgate for this game rather than do the standard bar crawl, and I think it was received pretty well by everyone. We set up shop by 8am and I had 3 beers in me before 9. Really set a nice tone for the day. Beer of choice this morning? MGD 64. I love the stuff. Here's the thing: I'm older now, so my tolerance is already far weaker than it was when I was in my college and immediate post-college days, so it doesn't take many drinks to get me buzzing, and since it won't take many drinks, why not get light ones that will keep the calories off? Big win. I mean, if I was still at the point where it took a solid 12 beers in 2 hours to even come close to a buzz, drinking that much 64 would be pointless because that number would obviously jump to like 16 needed to get drunk. But since it takes me like 20 oz of any vaguely alcoholic liquid to start feeling nice, why not make it the healthy stuff? So, yeah, I am a huge proponent of MGD 64.

An early highlight of the tailgate and the day in general was the return of our friend Al Mafa Dante* (*Note: Not his real name). He had moved out west to Portland, OR within the last couple years so we hadn't had a chance to see and hang out with him in ages. But he moved back to Madison a day or 2 before the tailgate so we let him know where to find us, and lo and behold, there he is at 9am. It was great to catch up, learn about the places his life had taken him (the guy could do anything he wants in life. He rocked like a 4.0 in college and then decided to drop out and move away and travel, then went back and finished up equally as kick-ass as he started). Good to see Dante.

One discussion we had early on in the tailgate was about a female Michigan State fan and whether she was very pregnant or just had a remarkably round belly. The early consensus was preggers. The stomach was just far too round. We thought it impossible for any human to have a rounded stomach like that without and living, growing fetus inside. But we decided to keep our eyes on her to see if she tried any alcohol. Within minutes, we saw her drinking a Miller Lite. So either she:
A) Had the most abnormally rounded stomach in the Eastern US
B) Was pregnant, but living in 1963
or C) Hiding an inflated beach ball in her shirt to bat around during the game.
I desperately wish I had a photo of her, but sadly I couldn't manuever into a good enough position to get a good stealth photo. Gonna have to trust me on this one. For reference, it remotely resembled this:

As far as anything crazy at the tailgate, not much. Pretty mellow and low-key and just a good morning for conversation. Around 10:20, we started to pack up and head towards the stadium... Yes, the real stadium.

Ok, we didn't make it in one straight shot. We pit-stopped @ the Big Ten Pub, like usual, to pound a quickie. In our defense, though, when we did end up leaving the Big Ten, we made it a point to walk directly to Camp Randall and not past the Stadium Bar, so as to not get tempted. Thank Goodness.

The one kind of fun thing about bars during pre-game is you really get to see all sorts of different marketing techniques at work. At Buck's across from our tailgate, the local hard-rock radio station hosts a party there during Badger pre-games, so it's a lot of loud music, swearing DJs, and women wearing little clothing. At the Big Ten?... You get this:

Yes, Curd Cow. Giving away cheese curds to all who wanted them. Well, not all. This is Wisconsin. 80% of the people there already had brought their own.

To anyone that has not been to Camp Randall Stadium in the last, oh, 5 years, you may not know about their statue out in front of the stadium. Let's offer a pop quiz. Is the following picture:

A) A tribute to corn?

B) A tribute to the sex toy industry?

or C) A horrific piece of Nightmare Fuel for anyone who has ever suffered from hemorrhoids?

The answer is A. But you would get full credit for answering B or C. I'm a lenient grader.

Once in the stadium, Trav and Bowds headed to the seats while Head and I took a quick potty break and grabbed some food. Head opted for everyone's favorite stadium food, Nachos. I wish I could get into Nachos more. I just don't enjoy the cheese. I'll have a chip, but the cheese just is too much. My food, obviously is the Big Pretzel. Here was mine (and honestly, it wasn't the local Kiwanis Club's best effort. Had I been a bit more drunk, I may have thrown it back at the 10-year-old working the counter and said, "Hey, heat this sumbitch up!".... ok, no, I wouldn't do that. I'm far more passive. It would have been polite.... ok, I wouldn't have done the polite thing either. I was just going to eat it and keep my mouth shut):

By the time we actually sat down I think we had missed the first 2 minutes, which, big deal, nothing happens that early anyways* (*Note = Not always true .... Go Colts!).

The game itself was very entertaining. Tons of offense, big plays, the crowd was intense... well, at least after the first quarter.

(5 minutes left in the first quarter... Hey, don't get mad at the Student Section. It's tradition)

(See, it fills in eventually. Settle down, old people)

I wish I had taken more notes on the game itself, but I was with good company so there was a lot of chatting in-between plays, which is when I would usually be taking notes if I were by myself. No worries. If you're that worried about game details.... But if you're worried about fan details?

(I have no idea what kind of fake designer women's sunglasses these are, but I can assure that is a man, and I can assure that he is old. Uncomfortable for everyone).

One other thing I also noticed about our immediate vicinity? Red heads. Good lord, gingers everywhere. I mean, I realize MSU's colors are green and white, but they aren't exactly Irish. But seriously, when I say a lot of redheads, I mean it. Like, enough to notice. Just the fact that I'm mentioning it should show you how many were there. When's the last time you've been in a place and had more than 5 redheads within a stone's throw of you? Ok, now multiply the 5 redheads by like 12. I didn't have my pitchfork with me for protection, but I kept a good lookout for any sudden movements.

So, Wisconsin dominated the game and we decided to leave with about 4ish minutes left. Bad news bears. Apparently MSU made a half-scary comeback and managed to get within 8 before the clock ended the game. Eeeeks. Still, I don't feel bad about leaving. You're up 21 with less than 5 to play. That lead is safe.

Some quick observations about the game itself I guess:

1) Scott Tolzien continues to impress. I wish Curt P (not Pochert) had gotten a little more run in the game to try and expand the team's offensive repertoire, but I'll take a solid throwing quarterback and not be greedy. It's kind of a first for WI to have a pretty studly passing QB, so no complaints.

2) Any "expert" who said MSU was a contender for the conference title in the pre-season knows nothing. They had to replace a stud QB and an even studlier RB. That alone is grounds for a major regression. I mean, I did figure they'd be competetive this season, but certainly not in contention. But yeah, they're a sketchy team.

3) Greg Jones is fun to watch at Linebacker for MSU. I hope he ends up on the Colts someday. I like him.

4) John Clay can be a top-5 running back when he gets his mind set on it. Really studly. But of course, any Wisconsin fan already knew that and has been waiting for him to do this consistently.

5) I don't know if Garret Graham is a legit TE prospect or if he just simply happens to always seem to be in the right place at the right time. Either way, he's a fun watch weekly for Badger fans.

Post-game we hit the standard round of bars. Our idiot friend Miller couldn't find us in the Big Ten Pub parking lot beer gardens for well over an hour. On the plus side, I did happen to see this guy:

(Tiny hat, or gargantuan melon?)

The after-party was fairly short-lived, as we had to head back to Trav's to let the dog out and eat a quickie pizza order from Pizza Hut. The plan was to regroup at the house for an hour before going back out. Well, the food knocked out Bowds and Trav (the alcohol, no problem. But pizza? Killer, apparently). I was not happy with this, but at least we got to hang out and watch the night games (Iowa, man, that's coming together nicely there... and in spite of Drew Tate's unathletic cousin as their QB!).

So that was an overly unnecessarily detailed breakdown of my trip to Madison on Saturday.

Next up? A bonus game! Pittsburg Pirates @ the Cubs, Wednesday day game! I'll be back with hopefully some mundane observations on that experience. Otherwise, we've got Wisconsin making their first trip to my alma mater's new stadium in Minneapolis. Yup, it's Wisconsin! Minnesota! TCF Bank Stadium! ("The Bank" is open on Saturdays!.... my wife owns that trademarked phrase, actually. I like it. It's clever. Marketing genius, she is)... I am very excited to get up there and see the new stadium that I COMPLETELY DISAPPROVED. But I'll keep an open mind until I experience it.

What's in store this weekend

2009-09-24T19:21:00.002-05:00

So after taking a week off to sit in my living room with 4 tvs in front of me (awesome, by the way. Next year I won't travel as much and instead will enjoy the 13-hour, 4-tv, case of beer college football binge), I am back on the road. This week the journey takes me to the homeland: Madison, WI, where I will be a witness to the 1-2 Michigan State Spartans trying to derail the 3-0 Wisconsin Badger train.

Traditionally when I go to Badger games, we have our standard crew of guys and we do our standard pre-game stuff, which everyone does. It always starts off a good mile away from Camp Randall Stadium at a lesser-known bar called Buck's, which happens to be right behind the Kohl Center. When I say lesser-known, don't think of it as this hole-in-the-wall joint. Every bar in Madison is known, and every bar is busy. But it's not one of the mainstream bars that you would ever see covered in Sports Illustrated or ESPN on a list of "Great College Town Bars."

The crew will generally assemble around 8am for an 11am game. The drink of choice at Buck's is Miller High Life. If I remember correctly, they're a couple bucks (PUN!!!!). Occasionally you'll get the yokel still recovering from the night before so they start with with some hair of the dog Bloody Marys and such, but for the most part, it's a beer place. The general crew can range from 4-5 people to upwards of 20, and I never really know more than half (a lot of "friends of friends" type stuff going on), but I see the same people year after year. It's a good feeling.

The great thing about Buck's is the outdoor beer garden, but not for the beer. They also have a food stand where you can get the best $5 Italian beef sandwich this side of Venice (or Chicago... Chicago makes some pretty mean Italian food). It's a must-eat every gameday, and really sets the stomach for the alcohol intake.

Generally an hour before kickoff the crew begins to scatter and my particular clique starts the walk towards Camp Randall. No idea how long this takes. I'm usually pretty happy by this point in the day (again, 10am). Could be a 10 minute walk, might be 40. I really have no idea. But the scene of walking a mile towards a stadium and seeing nothing but folks wearing red is a warming feeling.

We actually have 2 stops that we usually make before we actually get into the game. One is the Big Ten Pub (not affiliated with the actual Big Ten) for a quick beer, which is actually far more of a nuisance than it's worth. To this day I really don't know why we go there every week. You have to drink outdoors because it's beyond packed inside, and the wait line at the outdoor bars is absurd and it can take you a good 5-10 minutes some days to get a bar (5-10 minutes to wait is way over par for someone needing a beer 30 minutes before kickoff). But, ya know, tradition....

After a quickie at the Big Ten, we then always head to the Stadium. Not the stadium, but The Stadium. Its a bar, ironically, right across from Camp Randall Stadium. Clever owners. The Stadium ... well, the Stadium, she's a fickle lass... Sometimes you go there, have a quick beer, and head into the stadium and you're only 15 minutes late. But occasionally, The Stadium will grab hold of you and not let you leave. You want to. You paid your money for tickets. But the pull of The Stadium is too much.... 15 minutes becomes 30. 30 becomes 45. 45 becomes "Halftime." Halftime becomes the full game (and for some friends, "Bedtime.")

But yes, the game.

This is my first trip to UW for a game this season and I am quite excited. I'm excited to eat a big pretzel (little known fact, I eat a big, soft pretzel at pretty much every sporting event I go to). I'm excited to see Jump Around. I'm excited to see the student section juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust finally fill up with 3 minutes to go in the first half. Just the atmosphere. It's good to be back.

And probably my FAVORITE thing about UW games and 11am games in general? Ok, so, the game's done... you leave Camp Randall and the crew meets back up at the Stadium Bar (some have never left, obviously), and guess what?... You get to keep drinking, and watch more football!!!!! It's a glorious thing.

So, all that said, this year may actually be a bit different. Due to the economy (terrible, terrible economy... sad), a handful of us are going to tailgate before the game, rather than do the Bucks-Big Ten-Stadium route. Hopefully it will save us about $80 out of our wallets before 11am on Saturday even hits. Of course, where are we tailgating? The parking lot across from Bucks, a mile from the stadium ... so if we choose to, we can still hit the big 3 bars and ring with tradition.

I'm hoping to remain sober enough to compile plenty of good notes and tidbits in my notebook so I don't spend all day Sunday and Monday trying to transcribe stuff like, "Hey honey, what do you think I meant when I wrote 'Hhehe, duble truble beeeers!! Look out branches!!!! Birds!!'"

So, football-wise, what am I looking for? Well, can Wisconsin's running backs hang on to the ball this week? Is Curt Phillips going to get some more plays in the UW offense after looking like a complete stud so far? Has Michigan State decided on a QB yet or are they better off just throwing 3 running backs in the backfield and just hoping for the best? Will Greg Jones collect 20 tackles?

And of course no weekend of football would be complete without some spreads. Who do I like? Well, in this game the line opened with Michigan State +3. Real tough. I just don't know what we're gonna get from MSU. They can't be this bad can they? And they're obviously going to play their asses off because going 1-3 to start the year and dropping their conference opener is just a death knell, right? But UW has the chance to go 4-0, and I think everyone on that team remembers what happened the last time they had the chance to go to 4-0.... you don't have to go back far. It was just last season when they were 3-0 and got molested in the 4th quarter against Michigan, thus beginning a terrible downward spiral that ruined their high-hopes 2008. I think I'm actually going to go with Wisconsin covering in this one, but it should be pretty close. There is a chance for a real sloppy, wet field with thunderstorms in the area Friday night and early Saturday so traditionally that favors a run game, which I think WI has the advantage with. I'll say UW takes it 31-23.

Other games?

Kansas giving 13.5 to Southern Miss. It's Southern Miss' first road game this season. They only beat Central Florida by 7 and had to "rally" to beat Virginia (who might be one of the 5 worst D-1 teams in the nation). Kansas just keeps getting manageable spreads against far inferior opponents. I don't care what their football players do in their free time. All I know is they put up some points and destroy wimpies on Saturday. Kansas takes this 41-19.

Also, a rejunvenated Florida State team is giving up 14.5 at home to South Florida. Please. This is free money. USF lost the best QB in school history last week and Florida State is coming off an enormous road win. They are re-focused. I don't care that Bobby Bowden can't name 10 of his own players and hasn't made a playcall in 3 years. His team is better and will roll. 44-16.

I also want to wish my wife the best of luck as she is running in her second ever 5K in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure on Saturday. I will absolutely miss having her there with all of us, but I could not be more proud. It's a great cause and she's going to run the best race of her life.

Enjoy the games this weekend.

Is This Heaven?.... NO. (Iowa Hawkeyes vs Iowa State Cyclones, 9/12/09)

2009-09-14T20:02:00.007-05:00

This was my first trip in this journey that really has no end in sight. I have had this crazy idea to see all 11 teams in the Big Ten (I'm not going with the hack "11 teams in the Big TEN" joke. Get some original material, people) live and in-person this season. My reasoning was that by seeing each team in person, I could gain a better sense of what the team is, their strengths and weaknesses, the sights and sounds one encounters when visiting different locations, and basically just to give me something to do. I love college football (most aspects of it), and this seemed like a great way to get out and see more of it than the select couple teams I see all the time.

First stop on this train: The Iowa Hawkeyes.

Throughout the summer, I had remarkably high hopes for this Iowa team. They had a wikid second half of 2008, capped off by an actual bowl win. Crazy. When I started looking at team schedules to piece together my trip, it was at this point that I realized that 2009 maaaaaaaay not be all it's hyped up to be for this Hawkeye team. Despite the talent returning and the high hopes, their schedule saw them head to 4 of the most difficult spots in the conference this season: Wisconsin, ohio state (you'll learn I refuse to capitalize their name), Penn State, and Michigan State. Brutal. Plus they had an early-season road date with rival Iowa State which is never easy (foreshadowing?... um, no). This game proved to be the best fit for my schedule to see games, so on Friday it was off to Ames, IA. Oh, and song of the road trip?.... I'm totally straight.

The wife and I headed out on a 7-hour adventure Friday afternoon, detouring along the way to drop off the dog with my parents, who kindly offered to dogsit this weekend (easily the worst part of having a dog. Few can handle dog-sitting, even for a cat-like, lazy hound such as ours). A food pit stop was made for Sonic in Davenport, IA. Sonic to us mid-westerners (in the northern region especially) is one of the more irritating businesses on the face of the planet. We see your ads on television all the effing time. Those clever improv snippets (except the ones with the kids. Kids aren't funny at improv. They really aren't funny in general) just tease us anytime we have our eyes glued to the TV set as if to say "look how funny it is to just in a car and eating debatably the most unhealthy fast-food edibles in the country and discussing mundane things!" We like to sit in cars and eat and discuss mundane things in the upper-midwest. But where are the Sonics? For years we were subjected to these ads, with absolutely no way to access this restaurant's superpowers. You only heard snippets here and there: "My cousin's best friend was on a trip to Phoenix and apparently they are all over down there. She said it was delicious." And then everyone goes "Woooowwwwww (swoon)."

But, Sonic has been making headway into the the region, with many stores opening up in Illinois, Iowa, Wisconsin, Indiana, etc. Finally the teasing and temptation will go away and we can all rush to our nearest Sonic 50 miles away and wait for an hour in line because everyone needs to go there daily for the first year it's open. Really, truly, a right of passage for us as US citizens. (As a post-script, I had a burger, chicken tender sandwich, and 2 packages of tots because they screwed up my order of 1 small tot and 1 small fry... the meal as a whole was marginal at best)

After Sonic, the wife and I finished our drive for the evening to check into a Travelodge in Des Moines, IA which would only leave us 30ish miles for the morning. I managed to book the hotel room a day before the trip for only $42, which seemed like a steal... until we checked in. The room was about 12'x12', nice 20" tv, a double bed which was really just a glorified twin-size and a woven horse blanket on said bed that you would find hanging from a flea market on a reservation in remote South Dakota. And the room smelled like it had been painted in urine. But it did have free wi-fi, so, ya know, gotta pick your battles. Somehow we managed to get some sleep without any sort of horror-movie incident, and at 7:30am Saturday we were ready to go.

Stopping only for Panera coffee (more on this later) on the trip to Ames Saturday morning, we got to the University Avenue exit and immediately realized this would not be a quick park-and-walk situation. The parking and tailgating situation at Iowa State is actually pretty unique, I feel. I've been to many places, but ISU's tailgating scene may be the most expansive. It extends far from the stadium itself and wraps into little nooks and crannies of the corn fields and forrested areas. I'm assuming it's not always this packed, though. I'm guessing the fact that an enormous contingent of Iowa fans has something to do with the swell of people as far as the eyes can see.

(View of just one parking lot section from my walk to Jack Trice Stadium)

The first thing that jumps out at me about the crowd is the number of tents and busses. These people love to set up the party tents and they love to paint busses and put beds on top and sofas and sound systems, etc. I imagine this is what Iowa will look like when the real-life "Independence Day" happens and we're all forced to live like nomads.

I also notice that people love walking around with open cases of beer here. Both factions of fans. It's almost like every tailgate is BYOB and people just go from tailgate to tailgate with their 24-pack of Bud Light (seems to be the beer o' choice). Where I'm from, people tend to just distribute and give away their food and alcohol willingly during pre-games, so this was kind of interesting to see. But I'm from Wisconsin, we're friendly like that.

The lots closest to the stadium were all completely specialized on who was allowed in. One section was for parents of the players, then for parents of band members, or football alumni, etc. I'm sure if I looked closer I'd find parking lots for Veterinary school alum, single-parents, clergy, handicapped tractor drivers, medical supply salesmen, registered sex offenders, et al. All of this just seemed a tad unnecessary.

After dropping the wife off so she could go do her thing (work-related. I don't ask too many questions), I somehow stumbled across presumably free parking in the dorm parking lot. Just my lucky day I guess. By saving on parking, I could rationalize with myself to pay a little extra to a scalper to get in. I've set initial limits of myself for $40 on a ticket if I purchase before the game begins, and $20 once the game starts.

On my walk to the stadium I start to regret my decision to rock the black polo and black White Sox cap to the game. It's 80 degrees out, but with the lack of wind and shade it may as well be 105. I'm 2 blocks into my walk and 5 minutes into my day and I'm sure my boxers are already 3 times as dark as they were when I put them on this morning. I hate sweating, by the way. Hate hot weather. In my perfect world, it's 60 degrees every day, maybe lightly overcast, with a soft breeze. I sleep with the A/C on even when it's in the 50's overnight. I need ball-shrinking cold to be happy.

Speaking of the black polo, I realized that I find the Iowa colors on girls to be mildly sexy. I'd say it raises a girl's hot points by .75. There were tons of 3's and 4's walking around, raising their ratings to nearly 4 and 5 with just the black and yellow combo. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. Or maybe it's just because the other colors you're seeing today look like something from a plate at a Mexican restaurant.

Did you know that you can take a ride around the parking lot on a big trailer being pulled by an even bigger tractor in Ames? I really don't know what to say to that, but it's true.

(One of the "Tractor Tour" vehicles)

It gets to be 10:25 and I as I'm walking around the stadium I hear Sum 41's "Fat Lip" playing from the stadium sound system. Makes sense. It's a song from the last time they were a competitive team.

I figure it's time to start looking for some ticket scalping. Shady stuff, I like that. The first guy I see is this older man and I hear him tell another guy $125. No thanks. I see another old dude and politely inquire about his wares and he informs me he cannot go lower than $100. No thanks. So I'm 0/2 but I'm not worried because I haven't hit the professional scalpers yet. And how will I know where the professional scalpers are? Well, it's easy. We're in Iowa. The whitest of the white states. I use common sense and basic racial stereotyping and tell myself, "If you want to find tickets from a professional, let's find us some black dudes." So I did. And they were professionals. I asked the guy what I could get for $40. He said "Nothing man. Cheapest I got is lawn seating for 60." Realizing that this is what the actual ISU ticket office is price-gouging for this game (for reference, lawn seats vs Army were $15), I just wandered over to the ticket trailer (yes, trailer) and bought a lawn seat for $60. Hey, I'm here, I got free parking, might as well pay what the locals pay. When in Rome...

As I'm entering the stadium, I hear this behind me:

"This is the latest I've been in the game in years."

(You and me both, pal, you and me.... wait, "latest?" With 19 minutes to spare before kickoff? Good God, man, that's 3 more beers you can put down before kickoff in the parking lot, easy. And 4 if you don't mind missing the kickoff, since *nothing happens on the first drive of any game ever*.... * = may or may not be true)

Getting in to the stadium was a breeze. I could have brought in the Dwight Schrute Potato Gun and nobody would have noticed. The first thing I see when I enter the stadium? An ad for Iowa State men's bball season tickets that's painted on the cement walkway. Full season tickets only $99. I would rather spend $35 to get Northwestern women's bball season tix. Infinitely better deal. And you're not in Ames.

(This may be the state motto. I can't confirm that)

(The Cyclones running out of the tunnel. Even if you're not a fan of the school and even though every place does the same thing, this is still pretty cool to witness at games)

My prediction for this game is Iowa taking the CyHawk trophy 23-12. And speaking of scores, I immediately seek out the "Other Scores" scoreboard and make sure I've got a clear line of sight towards it. My locks of the day? Kansas -10 @ UTEP, Nebraska -24.5 vs Arkansas St, and Over 66.5 Oklahoma State vs Houston. I do not condone gambling or betting on sports but if you were to do so on Saturday 9/12/09 and took my 3 picks, you'd be buying a yacht right now instead of reading this.

Here's the kickoff, and of course nothing happens. Infact, in the first 5 serieseseseses (tough word to pluralize, even for a guy with an English degree) we saw 2 ints and 3 punts. Completely ugly football. See, the guy could enjoyed an extra cold one in the parking lot. At some point during those first 5 uneventful offensive displays, I do a quick scan of the crowd and it seems to be about 70-30 ISU fans, but I think the Hawkeyes contingent is louder. And drunker.

(Drunk Iowa fan hanging on to her husband for dear life)

After the first 5 possessions I really gave up all hope for a "good" game. Iowa State is generally just a bad team, and Iowa has yet to find a "real" running back since Jewel Hampton was lost for the season. Add in the fact that Brian Bulaga ("The Whale") was out for this game due to illness, and it had potential to get fugly.

Did you know that the PA announcer at Jack Trice Stadium also acts as a crowd cheerleader? Most PA announcers will do the standard call of name of player, what happened, down, distance. Not this hipster. "All right ISU fans, Iowa is pinned on the 11 yard line! Let's hear ya!" Who the hell does that? Who is announcing, Rob Schneider in Necessary Roughness? Harry Shearer in Little Giants? This is absurd. I feel like I'm at a glorified high school game anytime he speaks. But even my ho-dunk small-town high school never did anything like that.... I am speechless. Without speech.

Now, if you had asked me before the season began: "Ricky Stanzi: The next Drew Tate or the next Drew Tate's unathletic cousin," I would have said Drew Tate. And right now, I would be wrong. Let's not sugarcoat anything.

How bad was this game up to this point? With 3 minutes to go in the first half, I realized how dumb the decision to have a Panera latte was due to the beginning of the stomach-clearing process, and decided "This game sucks, screw it, I'm going to the bathroom before the 2nd quarter rush begins."

Now, I'm not a huge proponent of telling bathroom stories to the world (*lie*), but this one is necessary. A couple reasons:
1) The stall I ended up with could not have smelled more like a freshly-shit barn full of cows even if I had actually been standing in a freshly-shit barn full of cows. It's uncanny. I wish you could bottle a smell and transfer it like you do with photos and videos, etc. Just a mind-blowing farm stench. The guy who used the stall before me HAD to have just come to the game fresh from morning chores, or had the stomach and bowel movements of a cow. Really a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
2) On the backside of my stall door, there was this sign:

(Really? This is necessary bathroom reading? Are guys sitting on the loo, thinking, "Man, I'd love to give this dookie nugget to a player... Oh, wait, I cannot give it to him, that would be illegal. Thank you bathroom stall sign. you've saved me much hassle with the NCAA.")

One last bathroom tidbit before I move on: I was recently asked if there is something in life that I am just plain "good" at, for no real reason, and I have another answer to add: Finding the fast lane or an open urinal in men's bathrooms. No idea why.

Apparently I missed some ISU movement. They have managed to get into field goal range and make it from 46 yards shortly after I return to my spot. We're on the board here in Ames. 3-0, Cyclones. Call your friends.

The pleasantness for ISU lasts only a few seconds, though, as they attempt a tricky lil' onside kick. Iowa is not at all fooled and recovers easily. Insult to injury? ISU was offsides, tack on 5 yards for Iowa. Hawkeyes only need to go half a field for a TD to take the inevitable lead and go on for the win.

Here's a standard series from Ricky Stanzi that just took place: Play-action, rollout right, TE on a drag route is wide open 10 yards down the field. Like, completely wide open... to the point of tackling himself out of boredom because there's no challenge in being THAT wide open. Stanzi decides that's too easy and lofts the ball 40 yards down the sideline to a guy who is healthily covered and the ball sails 10 yards out of bounds and 15 yards deep. On the next play, they run it again and this time Stanzi makes the right decision. It's as if he needs to be reminded after each play what he did wrong and then the coach yells "On the ball, run it again!" Only, Stanzi is an experienced QB. He's got a full season+ of experience. This should not be necessary.

On the plus side, if I'm a coach for Iowa right now, I've realized that ISU cannot defend any sort of play-action pass. And apparently the staff learns as quickly as I do, as they have the ball on the goal line, see ISU stack 11 in the box, run a fake dive and send the TE on a quick out, and it's as easy a 6 as you'll find. 7-3 Iowa as we are finishing the first.

Other scores: Florida up 7-0 on Troy.... wow, tight one.....

Completely uneducated guess @ the attendance? Let's say 74,677 (I learn later it's in the mid 50,000s... Eh, can't win 'em all). One thing I do like about "The Trice" (I've given the stadium this nickname. It will not catch on, and I accept that) is the 4 corners of the end zone are all grassy knoll areas. Allows people to wander, get some good spots, stretch out a bit. It's a cool little quirk to the stadium.

(The entire corner is all people sitting/standing on a grassy hill. It's the same in every corner. The place was packed. I've seen photos of the corners for other gamesgames and it might be a third of the way full for any other game. Iowa brings the big guns fan-wise)

Just witnessed the most athletic play of the game so far, and that may possibly hold up for the rest of the game: Brandon Wegher takes a terrible throw from Stanzi over the middle, catches it one-handed behind him, spins out of a tackle, and then scrambles for a first down. If I had a clip to link to, I would. Really remarkable and athletic. Wegher has piqued my interest.

Ferentz and Co. may have ISU figured out after confusing them with a play-action rollout right pass for the 94th time today (and if it's a crossing pattern, more power to them). Let me see if I can predict their next play: play-action rollout right pass...... Bing bing bing! Sadly, though, Stanzi shows his true colors on the next play by throwing a terrible pick. My theory? It was a straight 5-step drop and he doesn't know how to throw a pass out of anything other than a play-action rollout.

Annoying fan trend that needs to stop: Assuming if a DB so much as breathes in the direction of a WR that it's got to be pass interference.

And now a special message from Dr Steve Brule.

ISU has a 4th and 2 from midfield. There is no way they're running a play here.... Nope, all the barking for show. Punt coming up. I have to think this team will be better when Leinart and Bush come off the bench:

(The Iowa State Trojans)

The jumbotron just played the mandatory "helmet/cap" shuffle game you find at every single stadium/arena. Usually this is the easiest thing in the world. Somehow I got this incorrect, and the helmets moved as slow as any I've ever seen on the game. I'm blaming the heat, which is causing me to lose 5lbs of weight from my body, but depositing it as sweat in my shorts. Remarkably uncomfortable here. Is this Heaven? No, it's f'ing Iowa... on a ridiculously hot day.

Somehow Iowa just got away with a blatant roughing the punter call that even after seing on replay twice I still cannot find a way to justify the stripes blowing it. Huge break for the white jerseys, and the ISU contingent is as loud as they've been since the tailgating.

On the ensuing drive, Joe Montana Stanzi tries to escape a rushing lineman by running at a 45 degree angle backwards directly towards the end zone. Juuuuuuuuuuust as he's about to get sacked for a near-safety, he decides to throw the ball directly at a Cyclone. You know, just for fun. It's picked and the crowd loses their mind. But in an encapsulation (may not be a word, may not have even spelled this fake word correctly) of all that would happen in this game, ISU is called for a late-hit, and the INT is negated. Stanzi says "Jah Bless," makes a note to buy the ref a bouquet and lives to see another turnover-less down.

I hate to turn this into the bash Ricky Stanzi post, but the current Big Ten starting QB power rankings look like this:
1) Anyone with a pulse
2) Ricky Stanzi
Prime example: Shortly after being saved by the stripes on that roughing call, Iowa runs a play (play-action, obviously) and a receiver drags across the field to the right, which is the backside on this particular play. He is uncovered. Nobody within 10 yards of him and 50 yards of pure pasture in front of him if Stanzi can just hit him. Stanzi overthrows him by a solid 15 yards.... Did I mention that the receiver was running an 8-yard route? Iowa is forced to punt and a non-return is pushed back another 15 yards on 2 (TWO!!!) block-in-the-back penalties on the Cylones. If you can't feel the tide turning by this point, you have never seen football played beyond the middle-school level.

Tyler Sash of Iowa collects an interception... theme alert!

Stanzi miraculously does not flub this possession up, throwing a great pass to a WR on a fade route in the endzone. It's at the opposite end of the stadium so I don't have a great view of it but it looked like a nice pass initially. Gonna have to see the big replay on this one to be sure.... and.... nope, I lied. That was 10% pass, 90% WR effort going up to get it. And Stanzi earns a 2nd TD pass today. 14-3, Iowa. Game over.

Another Iowa pick. Standard. Also standard?

(Old dude rocking overalls. 63% chance I found my bathroom farm-stench culprit)

Incase he's reading this, I want the ISU public address guy who plays music to realize that "Click, Click, Boom" loses any remote sort of impact it has when you play it after 3 straight plays.

And we move to halftime with a 14-3 score. Thoughts so far? Well, ISU is awful. Iowa is winning almost in spite of Stanzi. The press box side of the stadium is much easier to move around the concourse. The concessions advertise Cy's Famous Cheesesteak (How famous can it be? I've never heard of it and I'm a GD genius) and something called the "Walking Taco." There's a remarkably racist joke in there, but I'm not going to touch it.... at least not in blog post #1. But feel free to make one on your own and realize I've probably got almost the exact same thing written in my game notes.

Halftime entertainment includes the Hawkeye dance team performing to an REM medley, which I trust the PA announcer on, because I was in line for a soda and never heard so much as a peep of music from the field. I'm sure it was a mind-bending display of hot dance steps to "Everybody Hurts." The ISU band then takes the field to perform a medley of pop hits. Reasonably uneventful. They actually do this march thing between songs though that looks like a cyclone, which is "mildly" neat. That's the 50-year-old-woman-who-is-entertained-by-everything in me coming out there.

(Your Cyclone Marching Band)

I didn't get a photo of it, but I decided that if you buy a yearly "Iowa-ISU" rivalry game shirt @ the game, you're basically just telling the world, "I'm a pawn in the game of life." There are at least 958 things I can think of immediately off the top of my head that I'd rather spend my $25 on. Examples? A 20 minute chair massage from the Asians at the mall kiosk. A case of any beer (or 3 cases of Natty). A cheap DVD player. A subscription to Better Homes and Gardens. A large down-payment on Northwestern Women's Basketball season tickets. A Gheorghe Muresan Fathead.... you get the idea.

Remember when the pundits thought this guy was a legit Heisman candidate? Tee hee hee.

The second half is when the wheels completely came off the Cyclone train, so my mind started wander and just hallucinate and beg God for the game to end. 15% of the crowd never returned after halftime and 75% were gone before the first snap of the 4th quarter. I can basically save everyone some time and sum up the entire 2nd half with 4 points:

1) Play-Action, bootleg right, crossing pattern

2) This guy. Seriously, just a walrus penis of a display on defense in this game. I should have written more about him but nothing I would have said could do him justice. 3 picks, 10 tackles to lead the team. Sideline to sideline. Just amazing.

3) And possibly my new Big Ten man-crush. The video does not include the ridiculous reception from the first half, which is a crime. But, by viewing this video, I know at least one guy in my fantasy football league will draft him next year... and it's an NFL league. (He's easily swayed by youtube highlight films, which is like saying "I am entertained easily and will buy into anything I see on TV.... Go Glenn Beck!"

4) Austen Arnaud getting benched, deservedly so. When I found out later in the game that the team only had committed 6 turnovers, I was certain it was a lie. It sincerely felt like 11 by the time I left the stadium.

Midway through the 3rd quarter, I witnessed a drunken argument to my left between 2 recent graduates of each school. The argument basically boiled down to who has a better degree/career/makes more money with their school's degree. Can I vote neither? Or throw a 3rd school into the mix, say, Farm College? After 20 minutes and countless people telling them to "shut the fuck up" (or a dozen variations of the phrase), the guys manage to make peace and then come dangerously close to making out throughout the 4th quarter. I had my camera ready.

Overheard behind me-

Girl: "I'm so excited your wedding is off."

Guy: "Yeah, I know!"

Late in the game the Iowa fans began a "Hawkeye State!" chant. I actually like the idea of a real in-state rivalry. I feel like there is certainly more venom between 2 schools when they share a state, but not in a real terrible "hateful" way. I don't know if I would have personally been involved in an in-state rivalry myself when I was in college, but it's certainly unique to see.

(Douche, or protecting his neck from further sun damage?... I'm gonna go with a solid "both.")

In the final minutes, ISU shanked a punt for about 7 yards and not a peep was heard from the crowd because by that point the schadenfreude was expected. Also, Iowa brings in their backup QB to get some run and I put the over/under on his pass attempts at 1.5 and actually take the over. 2 plays later, my bet hit (and he actually looks pretty solid in the process). Told you I was on fire today.

At the end of the game I find out ISU rushed for 190 yards but I couldn't remember more than 10 of them.

Stanzi also put up one of the most fraudulent 4-TD passing days I've ever seen, passing for juuuuuuuuust over 50%, under 200 yards, and missing out on roughly 4 picks.

As the final gun sounds, the Hawkeyes bask in their 35-3 win, holding ISU without a TD for the 14th straight quarter in their rivalry (it's true! You can look it up and everything!) and the Iowa band plays "In Heaven There Is No Beer" which brings the largest Iowa-related smile to my face ever. Congrats Hawkeyes.

And with that, my day was done. All that was left was a long-ass drive home and trying to find Michigan-ND and USC-osu on the radio during the trek. Michigan-ND was fairly easy to come across. USC-osu in arguably the biggest game of the year on paper? Not so much as a faint crackle in the night. If anything, that pushed me towards investing in Sirius/XM radio. We live in 2009 and have a huge college football game playing in primetime but no radio station in the upper-midwest is carrying it? WTF? We were picking up SEC games for piss sake.

So that being said, I should get on that satellite radio price-hunting mission.

Next up, see you in Madison on 9/26 for the inconsistent Wisconsin Badgers vs the overrated-in-the-preseason Michigan State Spartans. That adventure maaaaaay see more alcohol involved.